Notes on 14 Convos by 14 (Future Research For Talking With My 4-Year-Old)

I recently read Fourteen Talks by the Age of 14: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School by Michelle Icard. While much of this doesn’t apply to my pre school kiddos, I always love a look at what’s to come.

I’ve compiled some notes below and FYI have taken Icard’s words from her books. These are all her ideas and in almost all cases her exact words. Read her book for more detail. For your free copy of the first chapter (loaded with so much good information) go to www.parenting-toolbox.com

Or if listening is your thing, here’s a bunch of podcasts with her as a guest.

A BRIEF Model for Conversations

B= Begin Peacefully

Here are some ways to begin peacefully and open up conversation with your kid:

• Start with an unemotional observation “So, it looks like report cards came out- I saw your grades weren’t as we expected.”
• Start by asking if your kid can explain things to you: “Your grades are different from what I expected. Are they what you expected? Is there anything you need to tell me?”
• Make a scheduling request so your kid doesn’t feel caught off guard: “Report cards came out today and I think we should debrief. Is before or after dinner better for you?”
• “Start peacefully and then be quiet and wait for your child to fill the space”

R= Relate to Your Kid

Here are some ways to relate to your kid so that he will listen to the rest of the convo:

• “It’s tough when you finally have to be honest, but I find it always feels better to stop hiding things from people who want to help us.”
• “This is hard. I’m sure you feel a bunch of emotions right now. Don’t worry. Together we can figure out where to go from here.”
• “I remember times when my grades dipped and if felt awful to get behind. It will take some hard work to pull your grades back up, but with focus and support you can do it.”

I= Interview to Collect Data

Here is where you get a better understanding of your kid’s version of the truth. He’s more likely to be honest with you if you’re setting yourself up to be an ally or at least an empathetic authority.

This is not a time to catch your kid in a lie or to build up questioning to prove your own point right.

This is a neutral fact-finding mission.

E= Echo What You’re Hearing

The echo step of the conversation is part validation, helping to pry open your kid’s min to hearing your suggestions (or requirements) in the next stage, and part comprehension check, making sure you’ve got the facts straight.

Try these:

• “It sounds like…” or “I’m hearing…”: “It sounds like you had an idea your grades were slipping, but felt like you could handle it on your own.”
• Summarize key facts: “Okay, so you though your grades were still on track and this comes as a surprise to you, too.”
• Use their words in a question: “Am I right that you feel like this is mostly the teacher’s fault?”

F= Feedback

The Feedback step is where you get to finally offer suggestions, guidance, or make new rules if yo need a firmer resolution.

Feedback should relate directly to the problem you’ve uncovered through interviewing and echoing. Do not pile on other problems you’ve been having with your child or escalate the argument.

Feedback might sound like:

• Summarize key downfall and state how to avoid it next time.
• If you can, start by asking if your kid is ready for feedback and then follow up with guidance: “Are you open to hearing what I think? Pause. “Okay, we need to … Tell me what you think needs to happen first and then I’ll give you my thoughts.”
• You may feel the consequence needs to be fast and firm

Nine Ways to Improve All Conversations with Your Tween or Young Teen:

1. Become an assistant manager: “How can I support you?”/ “What do you need to be successful with this?”/ “I’m here to listen while you think this through.”/ “Would you like some feedback on this?”/ “Can I help you talk through your options?”
2. Put on a “Botox brow”: Because tweens and teens can’t accurately read facial expressions, they’re forced to make assumptions about what others are feeling. Most often, they assume anger when they see a wrinkled brow.
3. Master the art of playing dumb: When your tween knows everything, play dumb and ask question rather than lawyering up and mounting evidence to prove they’re wrong. Get curious.
4. Appear disinterested: Middle schoolers are simply drawn to you when you are least available. For this reason, I suggest appearing less interested when you want to talk more.
5. Avoid the ambush: To get the most out of even casual conversations, try asking your child if you can catch up with them at a later, specified time. Even better, give them a choice of times.
6. Take your time: Unlike little kids, middle schoolers don’t need an immediate response from you to be able to learn from what’s happened. In fact, because they are so impulsive, teaching them how to slow down their reaction is beneficial. You might say something like, “Hmmm, I’m not even sure how to respond to that. I’ll get back to you in a few hours when I’ve had time to think.”
7. Multitask: Generally speaking, an eye-to-eye conversation will get you some head nods and one-word answers at best, so put something in their hands or get moving when you feel like talking. Think Andy Griffith teaching life lessons at the fishing hole.
8. Don’t talk at all: Some kids respond better to writing than listening. Can you trade spiral notebooks or use other technology to your advantage to maintain funny, informative text chats?
9. Designate a proxy: You don’t have to be the one to have all these conversations with your tween. Let your child know that if they ever want to talk, you’re available, as well as Aunt/Uncle ____. This is a great way for your kid to develop that relationship, build trust, and have an added safety net.

12 Conversation Crashers That Apply to ALL Topics

1. Don’t jump in too quickly.
2. Don’t make assumptions about how your kid feels, has felt, or will feel.
3. Don’t be vague.
4. Don’t talk in absolutes. Avoid words like everyone, only, entirely, exactly, always, never.
5. Don’t be indirect about what you need.
6. Don’t make threats.
7. Don’t be passive-aggressive. Avoid: “Lighten up” / “Fine” / “Don’t overreact” / “Whatever you want” / “You must have missed by point”
8. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries.
9. Don’t be tricked into proving yourself.
10. Don’t make yourself the center of the story.
11. Don’t use hyperbole.
12. Don’t drag it out.

Without further ado…

The Fourteen Conversations:

Convo 1: Talking About Your Parent-Child Relationship

• In early adolescence, your relationship with your child should mature and will benefit from you making space for conversations that are simple and carefree, not always teachable moments. A good pathway toward mutual respect is prioritizing pleasant conversations
• Your tween will be more responsive to your attempts to connect if you explain ways you can both expect your relationship to evolve.
• As your child grows up, their preferences for handling emotions, conflicts, and problem solving will change periodically. Discuss preferences with your child about how to handle these going forward.
• It’s great to share, but don’t overshare. Share your personal values, feelings about your own experiences (but not theirs), hard facts about health topics, interesting memories, and some of the parts of your daily life they never get to see. Avoid sharing if you’re doing it to be impressive, scary, or manipulative. You’ll know you’re oversharing if you tell your kid personally stories about your own adolescence that you wouldn’t tell a boss or new acquaintance.
• Don’t expect instant gratification in this new relationship with your child. Your child will open up incrementally, over a long period of time. Stay the course. It will be worth the time and patience you invest.

Convo 2: Talking About Independence

• Giving kids more independence in their tween years keeps them safer than clamping down ever could. Tweens need practice to learn what’s safe and how to cope with new people, places, and situations.
• Your child will almost certainly think they’re ready for more than they can handle. That’s okay. Figuring out how to cope with their failures is an important life skill to start learning now.
• Adolescents seek independence in two ways: by isolating themselves from their family, and/or by exploring their community without supervision.
• Kids this age need to learn how to navigate public spaces and interact with strangers safely and with confidence.
• Parents who respect their young adolescent’s need for privacy have better long-term relationships with their kids. When kids feel their parents were overly strict or needy of their companionship though adolescence, they can’t wait to experience a normal amount of freedom. When those kids leave home, they disconnect from family for fear of being pulled back into codependency.
• You won’t find a broader range in maturity and social-emotional development than among kids between ages 10-14. As a result, some kids are ready for independence much sooner, or much later, than their peers. During these year, parenting tend to become more judgmental of how other people parent. Resist the urge to compare your rules to others’. There will always be stricter and more permissive families. Do what’s best for your family, and specifically for your child, and don’t waste any emotional energy on what other people choose for their.
• Tweens need limits. They should’t feel arbitrary to your child, because that feeling can lead to unsafe rebellion. When it’s time to say no, give you child reasons why and, more important, concrete ways your kid can show you they are ready for more responsibility and freedom.

Convo 3: Talking About Changing Friendships

• Becoming an independent adult involves a shift from being pleasing to your parents to being successful among your peers. This creates new pressure to be accepted by friends and classmates, and makes it harder for kids to cope with the changes that friendships naturally go through during adolescence. Only 1% of friendships formed in 7th grade last until 12th grade. Remind tweens that learning how to talk with new people and being open to new experiences will benefit them more down the road than finding a soul mate at age 12.
• Pop culture romanticizes teen friendships, increasing the pressure kids feel to find a best friend. Parent should normalize an honest portrayal of adolescent friendship. It’s not ideal, but it is perfectly normal, to feel like a misfit, or long for better friendships, or mourn lost friendships.
• When kids don’t want to maintain old friendships, teach them how to treat people with dignity, even if they aren’t going to stay close.
• Help kids see that they may not have one friend who is all things to them. Having different friends who fill different needs can be just as satisfying.
• Kids get defensive when you comment on their friends. Use other people’s experiences, in real life or in books/on TV, to talk about how good friends treat each other.

Convo 4: Talking About Creativity

• Creativity is a crucial aspect of successful life and not just for artsy types. Business leaders cite creativity as the biggest factor in success.
• Encouraging creativity in- get this- creative ways, will help build your teen’s resilience during the challenges of adolescence.
• Creativity changes in two important ways during early adolescence. 1st, tweens often turn their creativity inward, working on new ways to present themselves to the worlds. 2nd, creative play is often replaced with entrepreneurship. Encourage both.
• Technology isn’t just a mind-numbing void. It can be a creative outlet for kids to express themselves.
• One of the best ways to encourage creative thinking at home is to engage your tween in brainstorming as often as possible. They need to learn their best ideas are often hiding behind their worst.
• Look for ways to encourage creativity by extrapolating from what your child already enjoys. Yes, even if that’s video games.

Convo 5: Talking About Taking Care of Yourself

• Gentle reminders in the form of question, such as “Are you feeling worn out?” or “Is there anything you need from me to help reset?” can serve as pause buttons in a busy day. Help your tween take time to check in with their feelings, but don’t pressure them to share with you.
• Demonstrate to your family the importance of self-care by taking time to recharge your own batteries.
• Fret less about your kid not wearing deodorant but leave a lot of it around the house and in the car. Eventually, almost all kids figure this one out.
• Encourage your tween to develop strong coping skills by making a “Try This First” list and helping you make one for yourself, too.
• Between ages 12 and 16 boys gain 50-60 lbs on average.
• When it comes to food, the healthiest thing your child can do is learn how to self-regulate and eat intuitively.
• Young adolescents need at least 9 hours of sleep at night. You can’t make a person sleep when you want them to, so the best you can is create the most conducive environment for sleep and educate them about why sleep matters.
• When talking to your kids about substances like alcohol or vape, don’t preach, or spread urban legends. Instead, share clear facts and your expectations.
• Self-harm is not correlated directly with suicide, but it does require therapy.
• How you talk about suicide and self-harm matters a great deal. I can’t “crash course” this, s revisit this section as needed.
• Talk about suicide and self-harm in your home. Studies show no statistical increase in suicidal ideation from asking about suicidal thoughts. In fact, talking openly about suicide with kids actually improves their thoughts.

Convo 6: Talking About Fairness

• Make sure you and your child share an understanding of the term “fair.” Many kids think that fair treatment if equal treatment, while adults think fair treatment is when each kid gets what they personally need to be successful. You cannot evaluate fairness out of context.
• When a kids complains something isn’t fair, they usually mean they aren’t getting something they want or need. This might be valid and parents should investigate, but it often has little to do with what is actually fair.
• If you treat your kids equally, you may be treating them unfairly, because you’re not parenting to their differences. Many siblings are not alike and need different things from their parents.
• Kids will balk less at you treating them differently if you explain why and remain open to their feedback.
• To increase the odds your kids will perceive you as fair, be a clear communicator, especially with regards to punishment and rewards. When kids feel ambushed, they do not see you as fair, and when things feel unfair, kids feel right in fighting back.
• Older teens are more likely than younger teens to keep an open mind about fairness, considering other people’s intent and motivation in addition to their own perspective.
• It’s not easy for young teens to stick up for other people being treated unfairly. Be patient and recognize that taking small steps in the right direction is progress.

Convo 7: Talking About Technology

• Worry less about keeping up with trends and more about establishing a living, breathing philosophy around how your family will relate to technology.
• Don’t forget the joy and excitement technology has brought to your life. Remember the first technology that blew your mind? How did it make you feel? This is probably how your kids feel. Try to enjoy some of the same fun they’re having.
• Kids don’t love technology for its own sake, but rather for what is connects them to: people, conversations, and things they find fascinating.
• Have a Tech Family Meeting as a way to establish common ground, guidelines, and personal statements you can use to guide online behavior.
• Tools that are helpful are inevitably also harmful. Stay balanced when talking about technology. It’s neither all good nor all bad.
• Be kind to people who make mistakes online, just as you would someone who got into a car accident. We’re all human. We’re all still learning.
• Technology can be a happy, healthy part of a happy, healthy life. The key is balance.
• Not all screen time is equal. Encourage creative, connected use of technology.
• Technology is a hot-button topic for tweens, especially when they fear you’ll take it away at the drop of a hat. Ease gently into conversations and stay open to the pros and cons. When in doubt, ask your kid to teach you about what they know and love.

Convo 8: Talking About Criticism

• People are constantly telling adolescents what to do and how to do it. It’s important to recognize that everyone has different sensitivity to feedback, and to adjust your delivery to your child’s temperament.
• We all have to find a balance between not caring what others think of us, and being cooperative community members.
• Kids benefit from being able to differentiate from constructive criticism (meant to help you improve) and destructive criticism (meant to make you feel bad).
• Remove your emotions from any situation when you learn about negative feedback your child has received. This will allow them to focus on how they feel and how they will cope, not how you feel or plan to cope.
• When giving a critique to a tween, avoid offering your opinion on their performance. Think of yourself as n instruction manual, not an editorial page. Instead of giving your opinion on how they’re doing, just give them clear instructions on how to do a task.
• Research shows that traditional feedback (pointing out flaws) is not effective. People learn better when feedback highlights their strengths. We see more brain development when a person feels confident and competent.
• To help tweens cope with tough feedback, ask questions like “Which of your strengths can help you?” or “What has helped you before when you’ve faced a tough situation like this?”

Convo 9: Talking About Hard Work

You and your child both will benefit from exploring the root of their motivation. by talking about the different reasons for working hard, your tween can develop, at least intellectually, an appreciation for internal, positive motivation:

1. Internal positive: This child works hard out of a desire to learn something new and feel a sense of pride
2. Internal negative: This child studies diligently to avoid not knowing the answers and being embarrassed in front of their peers.
3. External positive: This child is motivated by the end result of a good grade or a pleasing comment from the teacher.
4. External negative: This child fears being punished by parents for poor performance and possibly losing privileges.

• Adults romanticize hard work (especially their own). It’s fun to reminisce and take pride in your efforts, but comparison (and complaining) don’t motivate tweens to work harder. On the other hand, kids take pride in their hard work when others do, too.
• Hard work is subjective and personal. Keep this in mind. For example, what comes easily to one child might be a huge effort for their sibling. Recognize the differences.
• You can help your tween build their own work-ethic philosophy by asking them the same questions you pondered in this chapter regarding hard work, including: To what degree do you prioritize mental or physical hard work over the other? How do you know when your efforts are effective or just keeping you busy without results? How do you balance hard work with enjoying relationships? If you work hard and don’t get the results you hoped for, is there still value in the experience?
• Explain to your tween the 4 types of motivation (see above) so they can come to a better understanding of what motivates them now, and how they’d like to be inspired in the future.
• Beware of burnout. If your child tells you they need a break from a beloved sport or activity, believe them. We can’t expect kids to trade the satisfaction of being happy, active, fulfilled adults for the narrow chance at early success.
• If your child is never satisfied with their own hard work and accomplishments, they may have an underachieving reward center in their brain. It may be possible to retrain this through therapy.
• Talk with your kids about how you cope when your hard work doesn’t translate into the desired result.

Convo 10: Talking About Money

• Talk less about saving money (which teens already understand and practice) and more about the emotional aspects of spending money an accumulating debt.
• Tweens use name brands as a way to telegraph their acceptability to peers during a period of their lives when they fear social isolation and often experience heightened loneliness and self-consciousness.
• Be translucent not transparent, about your family financial decisions. Keep personal financial information private, while still educating your kid about the general costs of mortgages, vacations, cars, health insurance, and other things they will need to understand as young adults.
• Set an example of being grateful for the things that you already have, not sad about the things you don’t.
• Retrain impulsiveness by asking your child their opinion on reasonable wait periods before spending, with suggested longer times for bigger amounts.
• Kids benefit from high-level understanding of how marketing and advertising work.
• Tracking expenses, even as early as middle school, can show how multiple trips to the food court can add up.
• As your tween learns more about financial responsibility, makes sure they understand the nuances of other people’s situations and their right to make choices for themselves without judgment.

Convo 11: Talking About Sexuality

• Teens report parent sex talks could be improved if they were more specific, provided guidance, and were collaborative.
• Teaching safety during sex talks correlates to less risk taking.
• The average age a person first searches for porn is 14. Get ahead of this by talking about pornography early. Don’t focus your message on pornography being immoral or gross, or you run the risk of shame mingling with developing sexuality. Instead, talk about how porn doesn’t represent real sex and the implications of that on a healthy sex life later in life.
• When your child wants to start dating (or whatever they call it) establish guidelines for what’s acceptable in terms of physical touching, coping with new emotions, and staying attentive to school, family, friends, and interests.
• Stay educated on new terms related to sexuality and identity.
• It’s normal and okay for tweens to label their sexuality. Labels may or may not last, unlike the feelings they get when you accept and support them.
• Talk about consent early and often, starting with nonsexual scenarios. Establishing rules about asking permission before touching someone’s things and articulating your own preferences for space and touch preferences are two ways to begin teaching consent at home.

Convo 12: Talking About Reputations

One of the best lessons you can teach your child when they inevitably make a mistake is how to deliver a good apology. Kids need better examples of apologizing with a growth mindset.

A good apology does not:

• blame other people for misinterpreting your actions
• blame others for feeling hurt or offended
• blame circumstances for clouding your judgement
• waste words convincing people you’re a good person who just made a mistake

A good apology does:

• explain what you did wrong
• acknowledge who you’ve hurt and how
• say what you will do differently
• accept consequences

• Adults send mixed messages about when and whether kids should care what others think of them. We also confuse kid when we say good reputations take a long time to develop and a moment to derail.
• Building a reputation can be a hard concept for tweens, who have a present-centric way of thinking about time.
• Gossip has a huge effect on reputation, and how adults respond to gossip is important. Ask kids questions to make sure they consider the whole picture and the full character of a person, instead of focusing on one mistake.
• Kids lie for lots of reasons and not all lies are created equal. Lying to protect a friend or space someone’s feelings, for example, is different from lying to hurt someone.
• As adolescents experience increased freedom and privacy, they lie less.
• Protect your child’s reputation by guarding their private mistakes. Don’t share details without their permission.
• Learn the components of both good and bad apologies. Practice making good apologies in front of your tween (see above).
• Taking, sending, and receiving nudes is now part of the modern adolescent experience. Not for all teens, but for enough that it merits its own conversation with regard to reputation. Be wary of sounding too heavy-handed and always lead with empathy. Yes, nudes can be reputation breakers, but less so if we understand that at the heart of these scandals are tender young humans who are trying to navigate new feelings in a new environment. Nudes: A Reputation Maker or Breaker: reinforce that feeling curious about seeing nude pictures is totally normal at this age. You’re not saying it’s wrong to be interested, just that too many things can and will go wrong. Be clear that if friends or schoolmates pressure your child to ask someone for a nude picture or ask for your child to send a nude picture, that’s wrong.

Convo 13: Talking About Impulsivity

• Impulsive behavior gets a bad rap, but impulsivity isn’t unhealthy or naughty. Without impulsive people, we’d have fewer heroes and innovators.
• You don’t need to squelch your teen’s impulsivity, but you should explain it to them and help them figure out which situations benefit from fast action, and which benefit from careful analysis.
• Impulsivity isn’t simply acting without thinking. More accurately, it’s “a form of decision making that is overly sensitive to immediate urges without adequate considerations of consequences.” Pause on that. Impulsivity isn’t a lack of decision making. It’s a form of decision making.
• Impulsivity during adolescence is a result of one of two things: the inability to delay gratification (which gets increasingly better over tie), or the drive to try new things (which peaks at around age 19 for boys).
• Tweens and teens should be given the opportunity to experience new situations independently. The surge of dopamine that comes from “sensation seeking” actually helps the teen brain develop and become capable of handling more complicated experiences.
• There is no need to harbor disproportionate fear for your impulsive tween’s safety or future success. Almost all people do impulsive (crazy/dumb) things growing up, and almost all end up totally fine.
• When reacting to your child’s impulsive actions, it’s okay if you evoke feelings of guilt, but be careful you’re not triggering shame. Focus on what they could do differently next time and remind them their actions represent what they did, not who they are.
• Use a triage approach for dealing with the aftermath of teen impulses: 1)immediate threats to health, 2) serious, but less immediate, dangers, and 3) possible complications. Handle anything that falls under the first category swiftly, but take your time figuring out the rest.
• You can’t change your child’s personality, but if they overthink things to the point of missing out on opportunities, you can encourage a little flexibility and even impulsivity by showing them how it’s done, and rewarding spontaneity.

Convo 14: Talking About Helping Others

• We all want to raise prosocial kids (kids who do thins for the benefit of others, not just themselves). Young adolescents are naturally self-centered (that’s okay!), but it means sometime they lack the capacity to think outside themselves. This gets better as they grow up.
• Work on developing empathy to get kids thinking outside themselves. Focus on the three ways we build prosocial behavior: helping, sharing, and comforting.
• Be careful not to “other” people who need help. Avoid using people’s misfortune to make your child feel grateful.
• Empathy ties closely with grit. Grit, the ability to trust yourself to get through challenges, is learned by tuning into your inner voice. That voice is nurtured through parental empathy.
• Being an upstander, someone who sticks up for someone else, is not as easy or straightforward as it sounds. Start with baby steps. If your child isn’t comfortable confronting a bully, they can privately say something kind to the target. With practice, they’ll be able to do and say more.
• Holidays with young adolescents always brings up feelings of loneliness for parents and a loss of “magic” for tweens. Try negotiating on important traditions with your tween, and be open to new ways they can create magic for others.

2020, THE Year To Read At Home…

Well, I took a blog break in March of 2020 as kid care shut down and schools closed due to the emergence of COVID-19. Most moms/dads took over as full-time care givers and homeschoolers while continuing their own full-time jobs. We all thought it would be temporary. Just a few weeks or, maybe, months. HAHAHA.

To say that 2020 was THE year for reading at home is certainly an over simplification of the catastrophic year, but sometimes keeping it simple (especially in the midst of a global pandemic) is the best way to go.

So, we stayed home in 2020 and read. A lot. Here’s what I read in 2020:

1. How Not To Die by Michael Greger, MD
2. Searching For Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans
3. Me Elton John by Elton John
4. Forces of Nature by Jane Harper
5. How Happiness Happen by Max Lucado
6. Faithful Families For Advent & Christmas by Traci Smith
7. Evicted: Poverty and Profit in The American City by Matthew Desmond
8. The Biggest Bluff: How I Learned to Pay Attention, Master Myself and Win by Maria Konnikova
9. There There by Tommy Orange
10. Peaceful Parent, Happy Sibling: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life by Dr. Laura Markham
11. Adventures in Opting Out: A Field Guide to Leading an Intentional Life by Cait Flanders
12. Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker, PhD
13. The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish
14. David And Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and The Art of Battling Giants by Malcolm Gladwell
15. Normal People by Sally Rooney
16. All Adults Here by Emma Straub
17. Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson
18. How To Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men by Michael C. Reichert
19. I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban by Malala Yousafzai
20. The Joy of Missing Out by Tanya Dalton
21. The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah
22. Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid
23. The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer
24. Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath & Dan Heath
25. To Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others by Daniel Pink
26. Curious: The Desire to Know and Why Your Future Depends on It by Ian Leslie
27. The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi
28. The Ride of a Lifetime: Lessons Learned From 15 Years as CEO of the Walt Disney Company by Robert Iger
29. Bezonomics: How Amazon is Changing Our Lives and What the World’s Best Companies Are Learning From It by Brian Dumaine
30. Zero Waster Home: The Ultimate Guide to Simplifying Your Life by Reducing Your Waste by Bea Johnson
31. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham
32. Humankind: A Hopeful History by Rutger Bregman
33. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by Jenny Lawson
34. The Effective Executive: The Definitive Guide to Getting the Right Things Done by Peter E. Drucker
35. The Art of Self-Directed Learning: 23 Tips for Giving Yourself and Unconventional Education by Blake Boles
36. Pattern Language by Christopher Alexander, Sara Ishikawa, Murray Silverstein with Max Jacobson, Ingrid Fiksdahl-King, Shlomo Angel
37. We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter by Celeste Headlee
38. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, PhD
39. The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 905, Live Anywhere, and Join The New Rich by Timothy Ferriss
40. Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky
41. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein
42. Next Year in Havana by Chanel Cleeton
43. Call of The Wild + Free: Reclaiming Wonder in Your Child’s Education by Ainsley Arment
44. The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
45. Rage Against The Minivan: Learning to Parent Without Perfection by Kristen Howerton
46. How To Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
47. White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin Diangelo
48. I’m Still Here: Black Dignity In a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown
49. The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B DuBois
50. Happiness by Thich Nhay Hanh
51. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman
52. White Rage by Carol Anderson
53. So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo
54. Untamed by Glennon Doyle
55. Stillness Is The Key by Ryan Holiday
56. The Art of War by Sun-Tzu
57. I Miss You When I Blink by Mary Laura Philpott
58. The Hate You Give by Angie Thomas
59. The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, and Courage by Brene Brown
60. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
61. Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb
62. The Lean Startup: How Today’s Entrepreneurs Use Continuous Innovation to Create Radically Successful Businesses by Eric Ries
63. Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Stories & Secret Advice for Living Your Best Life by Ali Wong
64. Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty
65. That Will Never Work: The Birth of Netflix and the Amazing Life of an Idea by Marc Randolph
66. Surrounded by Idiots: The Four Types of Human Behavior and How to Effectively Communicate with Each in Business (and Life) by Thomas Erickson
67. Tough Love: My Story of the Things Worth Fighting for by Susan Rice
68. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari
69. Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
70. Almost Everything: Notes on Hope by Anne Lamott
71. Value Selling: Driving Up Sales One Conversation at a Time. A Powerful, Proven Methodology to Accelerate Sales Performance in Any Situation by Julie Thomas
72. Expect To Win: 10 Proven Strategies for Thriving in the Workplace by Carla A. Harris
73. The Challenger Sale: Taking Control of Customer Conversation by Brent Adamson and Matthew Dixon
74. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson
75. Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About The People We Don’t Know by Malcolm Gladwell
76. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
77. Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
78. Kindness and Wonder: Why Mister Rogers Matters Now More Than Ever by Gavin Edwards
79. 24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day A Week by Tiffany Shlain
80. It’s a Long Story: My Life by Willie Nelson
81. Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth About Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar– Your Brain’s Silent Killer by David Perlmutter, MD
82. Work Optional: Retire Early the Non-Penny-Pinching Way by Tanja Hester
83. When: The Scientific Secretes of Perfect Timing by Daniel Pink
84. The Power of Less: The Fine Art of Limiting Yourself to the Essential… In Business and In Life by Leo Babauta
85. Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making And Breaking Habits by Gretchen Rubin
86. Financial Freedom: A Proven Path to All the Money You Will Ever Need by Grant Sabatier
87. Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields
88. The 5AM Club: Own Your Morning, Elevate Your Life by Robin Sharma
89. The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-First Century by Thomas L. Friedman
90. American Like Me: Reflections On Life Between Cultures by America Ferrera
91. 100 Side Hustles: Unexpected Ideas For Making Extra Money Without Quitting Your Day Job by Christ Guillebeau
92. How To B Everything: A Guide For Those Who (Still) Don’t Know What They Want To Be When They Grow Up by Emilie Wapnick
93. Zero to One: Notes on Startups or How to Build the Future by Peter Thiel
94. The Found Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too) by Gretchen Rubin
95. The Greatest Salesman in the World by OG Mandino

Wow! Look at that! I was 5 books shy of 100 <– an arbitrary goal I’d like to hit one year, but I don’t keep count of how many books I’m reading at the time so come December I’m always eager to see how far I am from the mark.

Let me know if you see any themes emerge from the titles of my selections or if you have any recommendations for reading based off this list.

As the world “opens up,” I’m still reading…

If Time is Money, Then Living 24/6 May Be Priceless.

I recently read 24/6 The Power of Unplugging One Day A Week by Tiffany Shlain and in response, I simply have to try the one-day-a-week unplug that she touts so highly. I’m 100% ready to say NO to screens, no to cell phones, no to digital technology, no to social media, no to google maps, no to texts, no to emails etc. for one full day each week… AND… YES to records, yes to CDs, yes to real paper books, yes to getting outdoors, yes to cooking at home, yes to bike riding, yes to overlooked hobbies, yes to spending time being 100% present and engaged with the people I love who are right in front of me.

In the opening of the book, Shlain traces the roots of the concept of a day of rest starting with the 4th of the 10 commandments (“remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy”) and then moves through history to the Industrial Revolution and the labor unions’ struggles to create rest through their fight for the 40-hour week. For me, this desire to have a day focused on elevating rest and savoring time off (be it off from work, technology, phones, screens, etc.) stems from my understanding of what it means to be successful in life: To me, success is getting to decide how I spend my time. I think that Shlain would agree with this idea as she quotes the Unitarian minister Ana Levy-Lyons who writes,

“…this is where Heschel  and Karl Marx overlap: ‘time is the ultimate form of human wealth on this earth. Without time, all other forms of wealth are meaningless. It is this insight about time– patently obvious but frequently forgotten– that makes keeping a Sabbath day both spiritually profound and politically radical. To reclaim time is to be rich.” (Ana Levy-Lyons, “Sabbath Practice as Political Resistance: Building the Religious Counterculture,” Tikkun 27, no. 5 (2012): 16-67.

Shlain calls this 24/6 practice her and her family’s “tech Shabbat” as they kick off their 24 hours of unplugging tying into their Jewish custom of Friday night Shabbat dinner. Her family has been doing this for more than 10 years and her teenage daughters have come to love and look forward to Friday nights and the following tech-free Saturday. The tech-ban doesn’t extend to all technology, as one might expect in an Orthodox Jewish community. Instead, her family is focused on a digital, plugged-in, on-line, connected to work and social networks, screen ban. With these 24 hours off from technology and screens, she finds:

More presence, more appreciating, more compassion, more laughing, more dancing, more making… more eye contact, more hugs, more daydreaming, more silence, more eating together at the table, more reading, more journaling, more taking a beat, more thinking in slow motion, more rituals, more nature, more getting lost, more rest and digest, more tend and befriend, more empathy, more joy, more authentic connecting, more looking up, more love.”

Doesn’t that just sound like bliss?

Let’s do it!

In preparing for my own personal version of living 24/6, Shlain encourages me to think about the following:

“What brings you joy? Think about all the (screen-free) activities you enjoy doing that you just don’t do enough.”

Here are some of my thoughts:

It brings me joy to spend time…

• with my kids
• with my husband
• learning
• going to lectures, museums, libraries
• at church with my family
• riding bikes around town
• hiking at local State Parks
• playing frisbee golf at local courses
• reading
• going to the farmers market
• having a picnic
• playing piano
• listening to records & my collection of CDs
• writing letters
• exploring parts of our town (surrounding towns, CLT) that we don’t frequent or know especially well
• napping
• volunteering
• walking the dog
• starting a book club
• taking exercise classes
• playing board games
• doing puzzles
• keeping gratitude journal
• writing
• outside in nature
• watching my kids play at the park
• eating good food
• drinking bubbly water and/or having a drink with my husband and/or friends
• laughing with my friends
• traveling to places I love and/or new places I’ve never been

“Consider your own tradition or history. What foods or practices from your childhood, family, faith, or culture would make the day more meaningful for you?”

Here are some of my thoughts:

• We do a Friday night pizza and movie night which is a tradition I’d like to keep. So probably Friday night won’t be our starting point our tech-turn-off 24 hours.
• We prioritize dinner together not only with our family of four but also with my mom and grandma one night a week and my husband’s mom and dad one night a week.
• We don’t have a hard and fast rule of no phones at dinner, but that’s an easy one to implement.

“Consider your intentions. What qualities do you want to develop? Empathy, patience, creativity, curiosity, self-control, humor, optimism, gratitude? What habits do you want to break? How do you want to feel when the day is over?”

Here are my thoughts:

• I want to spend more time together with my family, not next to my family with our minds (often mindlessly) engaged in other things.
• I want to laugh more… I don’t laugh a lot looking at my phone.
• I want to be more patient and kind with my children in times of stress.
• I want to enjoy the beautiful NC weather in all seasons.
• I want to connect through writing (letters, postcards, thank-you notes) and less through text and posts.
• I want to have increased self-control and not look at my phone just because I have a moment of boredom and that is a knee-jerk reaction bad habit.

“Identify your barriers. What are your (or your partner’s or kids’) habits around screens that you most struggle with? What’s going to be the hardest part about giving up screens for a full day? What, if anything, do you fear will happen (or not happen)? Are you ready for this?”

Here are some of mine:

• Checking the phone first thing in the morning.
• Checking the phone as a default any time you are waiting or not doing something else.
• Watching TV routinely as a default in the evening.
• Too much purposeless time on social media.
• Bringing a laptop or smartphone into bed.
• Morning TV watching for kids so I can get ALL THE MORNING THINGS done.
• I LOVE all the library apps on my phone and find reading digitally has become much easier than reading paper books.
• Looking at my phone the last thing at night (usually reading).

“Check in on your current screen use and time online. How many screens do you have in your house? How often do you think you’re on at least one screen every day? Every week? Consider actually tracking your screen time, either with an app, on a spreadsheet, or through non-digital means. What aspects of your screen use worry you? When is the first time you check your phone in the morning? What is the longest amount of time you can remember being away from at least one screen? When was the last time you went a whole day without screens?”

Here’s what my data reveals:

• I use Instagram too much.
• I read a lot on my phone.
• We want to use our bedroom TV less or at least purposefully and strategically and not just out of habit and routine. I don’t want TVs in my kids’ room EVER. My mom was that mom, and I am too, apparently.

“Focus on the bigger picture. How is unplugging regularly good for society? How can you be part of this process? How has your concept of ‘rest’ changed throughout your life? Is it something that you want more or less than you used to? Think about how you want to be remembered, and start living that life.”

“How to prepare. A little thinking ahead will help you get more out of the day.” Do you need to print out a schedule for the day so you don’t have to access your Google calendar? Do you need to set an email away message for work? Have key phone numbers posted by your landline so you don’t have to access your iPhone contacts list? Do you need to have a landline installed?

Here are my thoughts:

• Maybe we need a landline. My husband and I have talked about this before but from the perspective of delaying the pressure of giving our kids cell phones but allowing them a way to be in touch with friends— after teaching high school for 12 years I completely acknowledge how antiquated this sounds. Despite my previous interest, I am hesitant to go the direction of installing a landline before making this Tech Shabbat a personal and family habit first. Feels like we need the horse and the cart in the right order.
• I want to make a list of important phone numbers for the fridge anyway for the boys and our babysitters. Now I have added motivation.
• I have a weekly paper calendar that I use to try to list my top 3-5 goals for the day. I can utilize this to keep a rough sketch for whatever we choose for our unplugged day.
• I’m unlikely to give up using Google Calendar as the main hub for how I keep track of our schedule and my reminders– it’s just too handy and doesn’t suck that much technology time (tracking my screen usage confirms this)
• I might delete the Instagram app. That does suck too much technology time (and tracking my screen usage confirms this, too. Ugggh. So basic.)

“Plan your first Tech Shabbat. Look at your calendar and determine what weekend day (or weekday) you’re going to start. Mark down several weeks in a row. The power and beauty of this practice come with its regularity. in time you will look forward to it each week. Look at the list of things you want to do more of. Plan to fill your screen-free day with activities from that list. You can even print the list, post it on your fridge, and reference it throughout the day. Or fill the day with doing nothing, if that’s what you need and want. Invite anyone you want to join you for a meal, an activity, or the whole day. Print out phone numbers (key friends, family, and emergency numbers) or other important information you may typically look up on your phone. Pring any maps you may need to travel to a new place. Get a landline. you can get one for as little as $20/month. Tell people in your life (family, friends, coworkers, boss) you’re planning to do this. Don’t come from a place of apology, but a place of strength and excitement. If they express concern or curiosity, invite them to a Tech Shabbat dinner so they can experience it with you.”

Here’s my thoughts:

• Saturday morning- Sunday morning?
• Saturday morning no cartoons, yes breakfast and library/farmers market/parks/greenways/museums/etc
• Saturday afternoons reading/boardgames/yardwork/playdates/etc.
• Saturday evening includes a special dinner with candles and guests optional

“Reflect on your first Tech Shabbat and make adjustments. What was your experience like? How did it feel? Did you notice any physical, emotional, or mental changes? What were they? What worked for you? What was the hardest part? What was the best part? What, if anything, surprised you? What would you change next time? Is there anyone else you want to bring along next time? How will you use screens differently this week?

To keep these 24/1 unplugged benefits going through the other 24/6 tech-filled days, Shlain encourages us to think about

• “Screen useEstablish guidelines for when/where screens can be used.
  • Put a small notebook in your bag with a pen you love. This way you don’t have to pull out your phone if you want to jot something down.
  • Use the feature on your phone to set limits on your screen/social media use
  • Set a text auto-response from your phone when you’re offline to let people. know you’re unavailable. for example: “I have my phone off to rebalance my mind. I will write to you when I’m back refreshed.”
  • Set aside time each day to let your mind wander: while taking a shower, doing dishes, walking, exercising. try not to fill those time with talking on the phone or listening to podcasts.
  • Wait until 8th to get kids a smartphone. If your kid needs one before then, consider a simpler model with no or limited internet.
  • Check out smartphone contracts by Janell Burley Hofmann or Dr. Delaney Ruston.
  • Revisit contract every 6 months or as new developments, needs, interests arise
• Rest, Silence, and StillnessGet an old-fashioned alarm block for your room so you don’t use your phone to wake up.
  • Don’t look at screens for at least 30 minutes after you wake up. Try journaling instead.
  • Establish periods of quiet rest throughout the say– leave your phone behind and go for a walk, write in a journal instead of scrolling your phone. Create space for your mind to wander. two hours a day of silence is recommended.
  • Make a list of your favorite places in nature that are close that you want to visit more often. Go.
  • Go somewhere without Wi-Fi for the day or longer.
  • Don’t let screens be the last thing you do before you sleep. The blue light can interfere with sleep onset. Read a book or magazine instead.
• Exits and EntrancesStart paying attention to what you’re doing when you arrive or leave a space.
  • Finish calls before you enter a room.
  • Try the thirty-second hug.
  • Try the ten-second doorknob countdown
  • Before texting someone (during the workday in particular), remember it takes twenty-three minutes to return focus after each interruption. Could this be addressed later?
  • With kids, practice “the entrance” of how to answer the landline: “Hello, XY residence.”
• Empathy and Eye ContactMake eye contact and say hello, good morning, etc. to five new people every day.
  • Get to know the names of people you interact with regularly but whose name you may not know– at work, at your favorite cafe, at the gym, at the library, at school drop-off or pick-up.
  • Forgive someone.
  • Give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Write a list of people you would like to get to know better and why. Invite them to your next Tech Shabbat meal.
• Social Media UseTurn off all social media and app notifications on your phone so it’s not constantly asking for your attention. You choose when to check-in.
  • Adopt a social media strategy. Ask yourself, Why am I on social media right now? Is it for work or for school? For news? It is to connect with family and friends? Who am I following and why? Remember, your feeds are shaping your thoughts and mind.
  • Take a beat before posting. Is what you’re about to post authentic? Is this something you want to broadcast to everyone who follows you? Is this information best-communicated face-to-face with close friends and family, or on a call, or in an email or text?
  • Take a social media sabbatical. Taking an occasional week off can be great for your schedule as well as your soul. Take stock of how you feel afterward.
• GratitudeKeep stack of thank-you notes and stamps in your bag so you can write and send one any time you think about it.
  • Write a letter of appreciation and send it to a friend, teacher, or mentor.
  • Keep a gratitude notepad with you so you can reach for that instead of your phone when you are waiting somewhere.
  • Start The Five-Minute Journal or an appreciation journal.
  • If you have a hard time going to sleep at night, think of three things you are grateful for when you close your eyes.”

 

Time to set a date and give it a try.

Time to disconnect in order to reconnect. I want to do this for ME and for MY FAMILY in equal measure.

The time is NOW to set up habits and patterns as a family.

Time to prioritize how I spend my time and how we spend time together.

After all, “to reclaim time is to be rich.” (Ana Levy-Lyons)

So, let’s DO THIS!

 

 

 

 

Other resources to explore in this journey:

• 24SixLife.com
• AwayForTheDay.org
• Center for Humane Technology
• Center on Media and Child Health
• CommonSenseMedia.org
• DigitalWellnessCollective.com
• Family Online Safety Institute
• NationalDayOfUnplugging.com
• ScreenSense.org
• WaitUntil8th.org

 

Why do I practice mindfulness? Because I’m an orange.

I had been toying with the idea of meditating for a couple years now. I suppose the reason it took me so long to stop thinking about it and start doing it was due to the fact that I didn’t concretely see what the benefit would be. It seemed silly to me to spend 10 minutes a day sitting still with my eyes closed in order to…? What? Despite having read various books and studies that tout its benefits, it was hard for me to understand mindful meditation because it was only theoretical for me.

For me, mindful meditation is something that you have to do in order to understand.

For me, you can’t understand it and then do it.

Through mindful meditation, I have also come to learn that what Hunter Clarke-Fields says is true. I am an orange. If I am not mindful of my inner voice, my self-talk, and my thoughts, then I can never control what comes out of me when I’m squeezed under pressure. If I truly want to choose silliness, kindness, and peace in moments of parenting insanity, then I must take time out of each day to purposefully fill my orange or at least rid my mind of my self-doubt and self-criticism about parenting. Keeping those thoughts around only ensures that my juice will be sour. I’m not a super sweet person by nature but I certainly love the idea of having the gut-reaction of “be kind” in response to a toddler tantrum instead of my usual frustration and sometimes anger– those aren’t good for my kids and it only serves to increase my self-criticism and my inner narrative that I can’t keep control of things in my own house… and it absolutely does not make me feel good after things calm down.

I found Hunter Clarke-Fields’ book Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids and picked it up hoping it could help me meld my New Year intention to be a meditator with my 4+year journey into learning to be a better parent. It was was a great read to help bring mindfulness to my often erratic and reactive parenting.

She also has a Mindful Mama Podcast that, if I were into podcasts, I’d check out, too.

Practicing mindful meditation is an exercise like any other. It is as essential as doing my training runs before running a race or as key as maintaining a consistent yoga practice for my strength and flexibility. I must also work out, exercise, train my mindfulness muscles in order to be a healthier person with healthier relationships.

This same mindfulness muscle is needed to remain mindful in the heat of the parenting chaos. If I haven’t strengthened those mindful meditation muscles I quite literally cannot tap into the knowledge I have worked hard to acquire on best parenting practices. When my younger kid smacks his older brother in the face my blood boils and if I haven’t done my meditation work out that day– or the day before– I am physically incapable of controlling my temper, taking a pause, and choosing kindness and peacefulness in my reaction.

When I’m struggling with my own rage, frustration, and helplessness, I am useless and powerless to help my kids process their own. Clarke-Fields offers this RAIN method for a mindful path through difficult feelings:

Recognize — She suggests using the “I am feeling ____” instead of “I am _____.” This helps you feel the feeling, which means it will pass through you, instead of being the feeling, which makes it seem like more a part of your identity.

Allow or accept– it’s ok to feel this way. You don’t need to act on it. Sometimes allowing the feeling and choosing not to act on it will help it pass through you.

Investigate– What does this feel like? What thoughts come up? Are they true? Where did this come from? I often feel the hopelessness that our house will ALWAYS be filled with boys biting, hitting, or yelling at each other. If I take a moment to investigate this feeling, I can rationally realize that it is NOT true. So much of our day together is not sibling rivalry chaos. Much of it is fun and silly and full of love for each other or quite simply there’s also lots of individual play where they aren’t even noticing each other.

Nurture– With compassion. Ask, “How would someone you love or admire be treating you as you go through this?” This is so key for me. Again, it takes me out of my head, which probably at that moment is filled with high emotions. I can quickly gain perspective for myself. And for my kids, when they are highly reactive and stuck in a tough moment this tactic helps me to not take it personally. I can think how would their teacher at school help them work through this moment and I can assume that role for them– in addition to the mom role where we get to have all the sweet hugs after the chaos.

Unfortunately but honestly, anger is a feeling I often encounter in this parenting journey. Basic psychology will tell you that anger is usually masking fear. So, in order to both deal with my anger/fear and to teach my kids not to react with anger when they are fearful of something, I need to first notice my anger and not judge it (because that’s when I really start to spiral down into shame), but then dig a bit deeper to determine what fear this anger is masking. Clarke-Fields suggests practicing  TIPI (Technique d’Identification des Peurs Inconscientes)  or in English “Technique to Identify Subconscious Fears.” Follow these simple steps:

1. Close your eyes
2. Pay attention to 2 or 3 physical sensations in your body. Mentally label or note the sensations to keep your mind fully present.
3. Let those sensations evolve, continuing to note them. Breathe.
4. Observe with curiosity and without interfering or trying to understand or control. Simply notice the sensation until your body restores a state of calmness.

I also recognize that, for me, anger is a quick, gut-reaction that occurs when I am triggered. Clarke-Fields asks parents to consciously inventory and then be mindful of their triggers. If we are aware of the triggers we can minimize their power over our reactions.

What are my triggers?

• Not being listened to. Being ignored.
• When my kids hurt each other physically.
• When I’m trying to do something and I just “can’t get anything done!”
• When I feel like I can’t stop something from happening and it all feels out of control. <– THIS! As an enneagram 8, this feeling of being out of control is a HUGE trigger for me.

When I am triggered my initial reaction is often anger and yelling. I think this will help me restore order. Clarke-Fields also asks parents to inventory and be mindful of what you would like to change about your parenting behavior. 100% I want to yell less. I don’t want to be that mom who yells at her kids every day and I don’t want that to be what they remember most about my discipline during their childhood.

“Anger is energy that needs to move through our body, so we can mindfully notice the feeling arise and let the energy of anger move through us.”

We need to “take care of our anger” = we release the energy of anger & calm down our nervous system.

So, this next exercise is pretty handy. It’s literally called the “Create Your Yell-Less Plan.” I’m not kidding. That is the name of the plan and it’s as if Clarke-Fields was inside my brain (or just inside my home on a regular basis) when she decided to title it that. This gives me hope. Clearly, other parents struggle with yelling as a reaction to their triggers, too. I’m not alone in this.

Here is her suggested plan:

• Talk Yourself Down. Tell yourself you’re safe: “This is NOT an emergency. I CAN handle this.”
• Adopt A Mantra to maintain perspective and repeat it to yourself when you’re fed up and feel like you’re going to explode:
  • “He’s only two. He’s only two.”
  • “I don’t have to win.”
  • “Choose love. Choose kindness. Choose peace.”
• Create A Mantra for yourself and remind yourself that you can MAKE THE CHOICE to REMAIN CALM
  • “Still water”
  • “I choose peace”
  • “Relax. Release. Smile.”
  • “Just be kind.”
  • “This will pass. Breathe.”
  • “When kids start yelling, I get calmer.”
• Take A Break. Find a “safe spot” for your kids and walk away for a few minutes.
• 5-8 Breathing. Breathe in for 5-count. Breathe out for 8-count. Repeat.
• Sigh it out. Repeat 5-6 times. This promotes relaxation.
• Mindful Walking. Slowly, deliberately.  Breathe and let go of anger and frustration. Step one foot down and breathe in, place the other foot down and breathe out. Repeat.
• Think Like A Teacher. Don’t take misbehavior personally. Instead ask: “What does my child need to learn and how can I teach him that?”
• Whisper Instead. It’s almost impossible to sound angry and it might bring some humor.
• Use A Funny Voice. Be a robot or Eeyore. Inject humor into the moment. It’s hard to be angry when laughing.
• Tense and Release Your Muscles. Work the anger out through your body, not your voice.
• Strike a Pose. Drop into forward fold or another calming, centering yoga pose.
• Wait. Wait 10 minutes or 24 hours before addressing the issue. It’s fine to come back and talk to your child later about appropriate language and behavior– when you are using appropriate language and behavior.
• Ask For Help. Ask for another adult to give you a break and talk to the child. Have the child explain to the adult that happened.

I am often short on patience and a good way for me to tap into more reserves of patience is to tap into empathy.

Empathy is our parenting superpower. It’s the skill that will help our children achieve the holy grail of their own emotional regulation. When we can sense what our children are feeling and experiencing– and be present with them– we are building connection and attunement.” p. 63

Connecting and communicating with my kids are of the utmost importance to me. I want them to be good communicators with me and use what they’ve learned at home to be good communicators with others out in the world. Therefore, I have to be mindful of how I communicate with them.

If this is my goal, then I have to minimize my use of “communication barriers” which may seem to work in the moment of parenting chaos, but, in reality, only serve to shut down building sincere, open communication habits with my kids. These “communication barriers” are:

• ordering
• threatening
• advising/offering solutions
• blaming
• name-calling/judging
• dismissing

Instead, I will strive to share my feelings of frustration, hurt, and anger with my kids by using “I-Messages” to help them remember that we are part of a family, a team, and our actions and words have an impact on the other people in our family. Kids need to learn that they play an important role in the family and need to pay attention to meeting the needs of other people in the family not just to get their own needs met. I want to shape their behavior by building their empathy and concern for the other people on our team. I don’t want their cooperation because they are rotely complying, because they are fearful, or because they are feeling defeated and powerless themselves.

What’s an “I-Message”? Glad you asked! An I-Message is a statement that helps kids see how they can help you get your needs met. Moms and dads have needs in addition to kids. Ignoring our needs can be what leads to familial conflict. It also helps them consider how their actions affect others. Here’s how it works:

1. Describe the behavior: “Your hair isn’t brushed.” OR “Your hair is a mess.”
2. Describe a specific, tangible effect: costs time, money, energy, prevents you from doing something you want or need to do, upsets your body or senses
3. Share your feelings

Here are some I-Message examples:

• Instead of “Don’t kick me!” –> “Ouch! That really hurts me. I don’t want to be kicked!”
• Instead of “Put your toys away” –> “With your toys all over, I feel annoyed and it’s hard to enjoy our time together.” OR “I feel disappointed when I see a big mess.”
• Instead of “Stop yelling” –> “When you yell, I can’t hear anything and feel grumpy and frustrated.”
• Instead of “You are such a good boy helping mommy”–> I feel good when I see you helping to ______.”

I like order in the house. I like things to feel under control. (Again, hello, Enneagram 8). So, I often hear myself barking orders at my kids. Sometimes it’s successful but even when it is, it often leaves me feeling awful for having ordered my kids around. Next time I start barking, I need to be mindful of my barking, notice it and try a new tactic. Clarke-Fields suggests instead of barking orders to “be silly to set limits”:

• Get into character. Special agent mom, alien who needs kids to explain rules, robot voice, cowboy voice, etc.
• Become contrary. “Please don’t get in the tub. You’re using soap? Nooooo! Ewwww!” This shifts the power struggle.
• Use silly language or silly songs. “The shoes, the shoes, it’s time to put on the shoes!” or “oh my darling, oh my darling, oh it’s really time to go” (to the tune of My Darling Clementine)
• Tell a crazy story. “Did I ever tell you about the little blue cat who didn’t stay beside his mommy in the parking lot?”
• Become incompetent. “Oh no! I forgot how to leave this park. Help!” or “Time to brush your teeth! Wait, where are your teeth? Are they here? (brushing elbow)”

My husband is so much better at this silliness than I am. I’m so endlessly grateful for a partner that can shift the energy and be that mindful voice for me when I’m not noticing the power struggle rut I’m stuck in with the boys.

I am not always a good parent. I am reactive and I get it wrong a lot of the time. However, I hope my kids will see my humility, my unending love for them, and my deep desire to do and be better. I am consistently admitting to them when I’ve made a mistake, asking them for forgiveness and for the chance to start over and try again. For me, this mindful parenting journey is not about perfection but rather about striving.

As the Buddha said:

“Improve your character through mindful striving. Or let your character worsen through negligence and obliviousness.”

I choose mindful striving every time.

Can I Be a Member of the 5AM Club?

Never in my entire life, not even when I was a competitive figure skater and woke up early to practice on the ice BEFORE going to school, have I been a morning person. Just ask my mom how was the experience of making sure I was up and dressed for practice. Ask her how much conversation or joy there was in those early morning, before the light of day car rides to the ice rink. None. None is the answer.

In high school, my sister and I shared clothes, sports teams, and a wall but did not share evening or morning routines. She was an early morning riser. After a long day of school and sports practices, she often went to bed early in order to rise early and tackle her HW in the AM. I, however, would shower after sports practice and study until late into the night preferring to stay up to 2AM or later not wanting my head to hit the pillow until all the homework had been completed and the material I was studying firmly implanted into my brain. I was a night owl and I preferred it that way. Again, probably because of these perpetual late-night study sessions, mornings were NOT my thing. My sister drove us to school 100% of the time. I was in no morning condition to drive. Not ever. When she would make me go to school early so that she could meet with her calculus teacher before classes began for the day, I would simply catch some more zzz’s in the hallways while the school was empty and quiet. Mornings were for sleeping. Mornings were not for accomplishing anything.

In college, I am ashamed to admit it, but I sincerely paused before registering for an 8AM class. I had to have some strong convictions about that syllabus, a deep admiration for that professor, or the course was required for my graduation before I chose to enroll in an 8AM class.

After college, I took a job as an Americorps working for Habitat for Humanity as an on-site construction volunteer. Most days I had to be on the construction site by 7 or 8 AM and we lived about 35 minutes from the area where we worked. Needless to say, it was one year full of early mornings. Luckily, my roommate and coworker was just as much of a morning person as I was. That is to say, she was not either. We hardly spoke in the morning until we and the day had both warmed up. We quickly became great friends. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding 4 years later. Was that because we both hated early mornings? It definitely did not hurt.

After my year in Americorps wrapped, I took a job teaching high school Spanish. I don’t know if you’re aware, but when you teach school your day starts even earlier than when you attended school. Additionally, I lived about 40 minutes from my school and I was required by contract to be at school by 7:45AM. Years later when I had kids and was still working at the same school, I had to drop them off at their daycare by 7:00AM or I would be late getting myself to work. This means I would have to leave my house BEFORE 7AM!

Fast-forward to being a mom, and my firstborn, until about 6 months ago– and he’s 3.5, consistently woke up in the 5AM hour. I don’t even like to see the 6AM hour on my clock when I arise. My second born is a worse sleeper.

As you can easily see, I have never been able to escape early rising. I have a long pattern of fighting off the early mornings and always losing. So, I figured I’d take some advice from Maya Angelou to heart:

It’s time to consider changing my attitude towards mornings… and that’s likely to entail changing my habits, as well. Enter my New Year Intention for 2020 to “Be a Grateful Early Riser.” First, I change my perspective on rising early to gratitude. Then, I change my habits for early rising. Enter Robin Sharma’s book The 5AM Club: Own Your Morning, Elevate Your Life. 

This book contends that all great “history-makers” were early risers with shared focuses, habits, and truths.

The 4 Focuses of History-Makers

1. Capitalization IQ- “what makes a legendary performer so good isn’t the amount of natural talent they are born into but the extent of that potential they actualize– and capitalize.”
2. Freedom from Distraction- “An addiction to distraction is the death of your production… Your escalation requires your isolation… The solitude, silence, and stillness of daybreak also triggers the production of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. Automatically and naturally, you enter ‘The Flow State’… In some ways, the new technologies and social media are not only eroding the Everests of our glorious productive potential, they are also training us to be less human. We have fewer real conversations, fewer true connections, and fewer meaningful interactions… And as we give our attention to numerous influences we leave bits of our focus on each activity we pursue.”
3. Personal Mastery Practice- Maintaining the 4 Interior Empires: Mindset (psychology), Heartset (emotionality), Soulset (spirituality), Healthset (physicality).
4. Day Stacking- “As you live each day, so you craft your life… we are all so focused on pursuing our futures that we generally ignore the exceedingly important value of a single day. And yet what we are doing today is creating our future.”

“Small, daily, seemingly insignificant improvements, when done consistently over time, yield staggering results”

“Enhancing anything in your day, ranging from your morning routine to a thought pattern to a business skills to a personal relationship, by only 1% delivers a 30%– yes, 30%– eleveation only a month after starting. Stay with the program and, in just one year, the pursuit you’ve been focusing on has elevated 365%, at least. The main point I’m making here is concentrate monomaniacally on creating great days– and they’ll stack into a gorgeous life.”

The 5 Truths Behind Excellent Habits:

1. Truth #1: World-class willpower isn’t an inborn strength, but a skill developed through relentless practice. Getting up at dawn is perfect self-control training.
2. Truth #2: Personal discipline is a muscle. The more you stretch it, the stronger it grows. Therefore, the samurais of self-regulation actively create conditions of hardship to build their natural power.
3. Truth #3: Like other muscles, willpower weakens when tired. Recovery is, therefore, absolutely necessary for the expression of mastery. And to manage decision fatigue
4. Truth #4: Installing any great habit successfully follows a distinct four-part pattern for the automation routine. Follow it explicitly for lasting results.
5. Truth #5: Increasing self-control in one area of your life elevates self-control in all areas of your life. This is why joining the 5AM Club is the game-changing habit that will lift everything else that you do.

The 3 Values of Heroic Habit-Makers

1. Value #1: Victory demands consistency and persistency.
2. Value #2: Following through on what is started determines the size of the personal respect that will be generated.
3. Value #3: The way you practice in private is precisely the way you’ll perform once you’re in public.

The 1 General Theory of Self-Discipline Spartans: To regularly do that which is hard but important when it feels most uncomfortable is how warriors are born. 

“For most people ready to get up before daybreak, each day of this first phase is a hardship. They feel like giving up. They complain that rising early just isn’t for them. That they are not built for this routine and that it’s just not worth the pain.

My advice is simple: Continue at all costs. Persistency sits at the threshold of mastery.

Please also remember this rule: when faced with a choice, always chose the one that pushes you the most, increases yoru growth and promotes the unfoldment of your gifts, talents, and personal prowess. So, when you feel like quitting, perserve.

#1. To make a habit last, never install it alone.

#2. The teacher learns the most.

#3. When you most feel like quitting is the time you must continue advancing.”

So, then, how DO YOU install a habit?

And if/when I install the habit of waking up at 5AM every day, what should I do with the first hour while I’m in “The Flow State” away from distraction in order to stack together the best days into the best life? The answer is simple, “The 20/20/20 Formula”, of course!

“Journaling” has always felt kind of nebulous to me. As a kid I kept journals but I mostly just detailed what was going on in my life and my heart. The 5AM Club suggests this framework for developing a rewarding journaling habit:

Obviously, I’ll never succeed at flexing these 5AM muscles if I don’t also get enough rest. I know myself and I know that one of the reasons I despise mornings is because I love to sleep and that I require 7-8+ hours in order to feel rested and ready to tackle the day.  So, here is the 5AM suggestion for an optimal evening routine to balance out the 5AM wake up for the 20/20/20 routine:

Given all of these frameworks, motivating ideas, and specific suggestions, the essential question is this:

Can a 35 year morning hater reform her ways?

The jury is still out!

Currently, waking up at 5AM is something my kids still make me do and let me tell you there is no solitude, silence, or stillness in those 5AM wake-ups. I am learning to fill those 5AM wake-ups with joy and gratitude– despite my decades of rejecting the 5AM hour.

However, once they are consistently sleeping until 6AM (or later, fingers crossed), I think an Upholder like me has a fighting chance to become a member in good standing in the 5AM Club.

Stay tuned!

 

I think I must be an Einstein or a Phoenix

I must be an Einstein or a Phoenix. And I’m definitely a “Multipotentialite” trying to do everything in a career-track world. And therefore, basically, doing nothing… or so it may seem.

These terms (an Einstein, a Phoenix, a Multipotentialite) come from Emilie Wapnick’s book How to Be Everything: A Guide For Those Who (Still) Don’t Know What They Want to Be When They Grow Up.

Here’s her Ted Talk to give you some context without reading this book.

Here’s also another blog with a nice summary linking to other books and resources.

Also, Wapnick often sites Barbara Sher’s book Refuse to Choose which might be worth checking out according to some reviews of the two books.

In Wapnick’s book she outlines what a Multipotentialite is:

A person who has many different interests and creative pursuits in life. Multipotentialites have no “one true calling” the way specialists do. Being a multipotentialite is our destiny. We have many paths and we pursue all of them, either sequentially or simultaneously (or both).”

And then she dives into and describes in detail the four types of Multipotentialites:

1. A Group Hugger
2. A Slasher
3. An Einstein
4. A Phoenix

I identified mostly closely with the Phoenix. And the Einstein also sounded like me in my 12-year teaching career– except I discovered that teaching, for me, wasn’t a “good enough” job because it kept spilling into all my evenings, weekends, and even into some summers.

For any Multipotentialite, Wapnick first asks us to build a list of our varied interests (which also includes any skills or areas of achievement). When creating this list it felt like I was writing down anything I had ever been curious about, anything I had ever tinkered with, and anything that I had ever had a modicum of success with.

My master list of interests:

• Reading
• The Spanish language and its cultures
• Yoga
• Running
• Dog walking
• Doggie daycare
• Travel agent
• Babysitting
• Cultural exchanges
• Tour guide
• Frugality
• Journaling
• Medical missions
• Blogging
• Summer camp counselor
• Religion
• Curriculum design
• Documentary films
• Travel– local and international
• Minimalism
• Photography
• Hiking
• Sauntering/Walking
• Comedy
• Teaching
• Museums
• Community events
• Playing field hockey
• Farmers markets
• Skiing
• Kayaking
• Playing softball
• The Four Tendencies (Upholder)
• Coffee
• Camping
• Houseplants
• Leadership
• Attending lectures/speaker series
• Barre
• Kids (mine mostly, but others ain’t bad either)
• Elementary education
• CrossFit
• Thrift shopping
• Taking classes/Formalized learning
• Writing
• Wine/Cocktails
• Coaching & watching & playing soccer
• Meditation
• Food/Restaurants
• Social networking
• Hiring & Team-building
• Linguistics
• Spanish interpretation and translation
• Paralegal
• Poetry
• Mentorship
• Theatre (attending more than performing, although I have done a tiny bit of that)
• Escape room player & owner
• Therapeutic massage
• State/National Park Ranger
• Habitat for Humanity & Affordable housing
• Nursing
• Board games
• Trees
• Space & Being an astronaut
• Story telling
• Interior design
• Gospel choir
• Mythology
• Crossword puzzles
• Architecture
• Gardening
• Strengthsfinder (Responsibility, Achiever, Includer, Learner, Self-Assured)
• Country music
• Redoing furniture
• True Colors (Orange, Green)
• Project management
• Piano
• BBQ (TX > NC)
• Home renovation
• The Enneagram (8W7)

Now, I’ll have to cross out my “dead” interests, the ones I have no interest in pursuing again anytime soon, and star the ones I find especially exciting right now.

After taking an exhaustive inventory of ALL THE THINGS I’m interested in, I take a look at the two types of Multipotentiality that resonated most with me.

The Einstein Approach

Considering my skills, interests, and goals what might my life look like if I used the Einstein approach and really found a job that was “good enough”?– meaning I was able to excel at my job AND prioritize my free time to pursue and relish in all my other varied interests.

Again, for me, teaching was not that.

So what might be that? Make a list of possible “good enough jobs”. Careers that are considered practical often make good “good enough” jobs.

For each potential job I’ll ask the following questions:

• Would this job provide me enough income to meet my financial goals?
• How many hours of my week would his job occupy?
• Would his job be creatively, emotionally, or physically draining?
• Would his job provide me with opportunities to learn at work?
• Does this job sound like fun?
• Do I foresee myself liking my employer, my colleagues, and environment in which I would be working?
• Is this job different enough from the other projects I would like to pursue? Does it use different skills and modes of thought?
• What would my day and week look like if I were to have this job and engage with my other passions on the side?
• Is this schedule compatible with my “perfect day”

Make a list of possible “good enough” businesses. Then take a look at my master list and ask myself these questions:

What skills do I have that people might pay me for? (Remember, financial stability is a key cornerstone of the Einstein Approach)

How lucrative are these skills? How well does/can this skill pay?

To what extent is this skill in demand?

How rare is this skill?

Is there a specific niche I can fill or an audience to address?

My Action Steps:

• Contact someone in a profession you’re considering and ask them about the day-to-day realities of their job
• Practice or improve one of your potentially lucrative skills
• Revise your resume so that it reflects your skills and experience for a “good enough” job that you’re serious about goin for.

The Phoenix Approach

This approach is characterized by working with intense curiosity in a single industry for several months or even years and then shifting gears and starting a new career in a new industry. Thus, the symbol of the Phoenix who burns itself down and then rises anew from its own ashes certainly applies here. The Phoenix explores her passions sequentially rather than simultaneously (as the Slasher or the Group Hugger does). Phoenix’s love to go deep but still need challenge and variety.

These Phoenix transitions are not as random as they may seem from the outside. There are common themes, threads, and “whys?” that run throughout. At points prior to transitions, a Phoenix needs to stay in touch with her levels of boredom and loathing of her current career path so that she can gracefully commence her transition to a new one without burning any bridges in the process.

I’m nodding my head “yes!” as I read and write all of this. Socially, or maybe vocationally is more accurate, I always felt like a square peg in the round high school teaching hole. Everyone was always talking about a “calling” to teach and I was just in it Aug-June, M-F, 7:45-3:45 (or later if I was coaching or had meetings). But… I was also there for the deep dive into second-language pedagogy, best practices for the student-learner, stimulating and comprehensible authentic cultural materials, coordinated and aligned curriculum design, and a shared framework and practices among our the educators of our US WL Department. I knew not of any of these things until I started a deep dive into WL instruction and pursued my Masters degree in this field after a handful of years in the classroom. All the while, though, I felt different than my colleagues because every year at contract time I wondered, “was it time to burn it all down and start anew?”

Fast forward to now and…

Now it is time to reinvent myself.

Some tips for a smooth transition:

Reach out to your existing network. There’s nothing as strong as a positive recommendation to a future employer from someone they trust. Do you know anyone who works in that industry or have friends who are natural connectors?

Expand your network. Go to events related to your new field of interest and try to meet new people.

Volunteer. It can give you practical experience and meet people working in the industry who know about job openings and can serve as your recommendation down the road.

Do free work. This is particularly helpful with freelance work. Find someone you want to work for or who is working in industry you want to break into and offer to do some of their work for free. Be specific on how you will help and how you can add value to their business or brand.

Take a class. Get some training on a skill you will need for working in your new industry.

Highlight your transferable skills. You might be breaking into a new industry but you’ve got years of valuable experience cultivating useful skills.

Truth be told, I think I’m a Phoenix who wants to be an Einstein. We’ll see where the next fire takes me.

365 Days Of Free Reading

January 1, 2019, I set the new year’s intention to “be a reader.” I’ve always enjoyed reading, but I realized that my reading was usually directed and selected by others. For the first time in my adult life, I committed 365 days to “being a reader” without a syllabus, professor, or boss.

Thank you to the Charlotte Mecklenburg Library and their apps for making this year of rewarding, frugal reading possible.

I’ll continue being a reader in 2020 and beyond. For now, I’d like to categorize what I read during this 2019 intention and share some of what I’ve learned. Until writing out this list below I had not kept count of how many books I’d read during 2019. Now I know that number is: 90.

Here’s a list, in chronological order, of what I read and salient quotes from some titles sharing what I thought were the core messages or reminding myself what I liked about it when reading:

1. The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
2. The Vanishing American Adult: Our Coming of Age Crisis and How to Rebuild a Culture of Self-Reliance by Ben Sasse
3. The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty
4. The Most Important Years: Pre-Kindergarten and the Future of Our Children by Suzanne Bouffard
5. Slow: Simple Living for a Frantic World by Brooke McAlary
6. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi: “So what tense am I living now?”
7. The Library Book by Susan Orlean
8. Sitting Still Like a Frog: Simple Mindfulness Practices to Help Your Children Deal with Anxiety, Improve Concentration, and Handle Difficult Emotions by Eline Snel
9. Happier at Home: Kiss More, Jump More, Abandon a Project, Read Samuel Johnson, and My Other Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life by Gretchen Rubin: “I am living my real life, this is it. Now is now, and if I wanted to be happier, waited to have fun, waited to do the things that I know I ought to do, I might never get the chance.”
10. The Road to Character by David Brooks
11. The Smartest Kids in the World and How They Got That Way by Amanda Ripley
12. Do Over: Rescue Monday, Reinvent Your Work, and Never Get Stuck by Jon Acuff
13. Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done by Jon Acuff
14. Educated by Tara Westover
15. This I Believe: The Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men and Women
16. How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life With Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King
17. How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character by Paul Tough: “But in fact, this science suggests a very different reality. It says that the character strengths that matter so much to young people’s success are not innate; they don’t appear in us magically, as a result of good luck or good genes. And they are not simply a choice. They are rooted in brain chemistry, and they are molded, in measurable and predictable ways, by the environment in which children grow up. That means that the rest of us– society as a whole– can do an enormous amount to influence their development in children.”
18. The Power of Habit: Why We Do In Life and In Business by Charles Duhigg: “Habits are powerful, but delicate. They can emerge outside our consciousness or can be deliberately designed. They often occur without our permission but can be reshaped by fiddling with their parts. They shape our lives far more than we realize– they are so strong, in fact, that they cause our brains to cling to them at the exclusion of all else, including common sense.”
19. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz: ” But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”
20. Failing Up: How To Take Risks, Aim Higher, and Never Stop Learning by Leslie Odom: “Who are you dreaming for today?”
21. Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap and Others Don’t by Jim Collins: “What is your Hedgehog Concept”
22. Surprise Me by Sophie Kinsella: “Love is finding one person infinitely fascinating. And so… not an achievement, my dear. Rather, a privilege.”
23. Eat That Frog: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time by Brian Tracy: “Rule: It’s the quality of time at work that counts and the quantity of time at home that matters.”
24. Hole In My Life by Jack Gantos
25. About Alice by Calvin Trillin
26. The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon: “Remember, you only have one ride through life so give it all you got and enjoy the ride” & “Thoughts are magnetic: What we think about we attract.”
27. Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
28. Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will To Lead by Sheryl Sandberg: “So please ask yourself: What would you do if you weren’t afraid? And then go do it.”
29. Dark Horse: Achieving Success Through the Pursuit of Fulfillment by Todd Rose and Ogi Ogas: “What are your Micro-Motives?”
30. Niel Patrick Harris: Choose Your Own Autobiography by Niel Patrick Harris
31. The Moment of Lift: How Empowering Women Changes the World by Melinda Gates: “When women can decide whether and when to have children, it saves lives, promotes health, expands education, and creates prosperity– no matter what country in the world you’re talking about.” & “…contraceptives are the greatest life-saving, poverty-ending, women-empowering innovation ever created.” & “In fact, no country in the last fifty years has emerged from poverty without expanding access to contraceptives.”
32. The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff: “While Eeyore frets… and Piglet hesitates… and Rabbit calculates.. and Owl pontificates… Pooh just is.” & “When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun.” & “The main problem with this great obsession for saving time is very simple: you can’t save time. You can only spend it. But you can spend it wisely or foolishly.”
33. Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott: “… most of the time, all you have is the moment, and the imperfect love of the people around you.” & “The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.” & “It’s funny: I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience. But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty bent old tools– friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty– and said ‘do the best you can with these, they will have to do.’ And mostly, against all the odds, they do.”
34. The Map of Knowledge: A Thousand-Year History of How Classical Ideas Were Lost and Found by Violet Moller
35. The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis
36. How To Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results by Esther Wojcicki: “TRICK- Trust, Respect, Independence, Collaboration, Kindness” & “Learning comes when students [kids] are willing to take risks. Otherwise, it is called memorizing.” & “As parents, we can’t brush off kindness as some nice-sounding but unnecessary skill. It’s at the heart of what parenting really is: bringing children into the world and hoping they’ll make it a better place.”
37. Imagine It Forward: Courage, Creativity, and the Power of Change by Beth Comstock: “To be innovative you have to learn to be comfortable with some level of ‘maybe’.” & “You don’t just live a life; you blunder your way toward creating one you love.” & “Don’t tell me you’re not empowered. There is power that is yours. Use it. Grab your own permission. No one is going to give it to you.”
38. The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey: “Testing limits is a way of testing independence, and that’s a good thing, even if it makes us want to stick a fork in our heads. It’s exhausting, yes, but it’s a necessary part of creating independent kids. One way to make this testing easier is to establish clear expectations and employ consequences when those expectations are not met.” & “… the research of Deci and others is clear: any strategy that undermines autonomy is probably not going to work if long-term learning is the goal.”
39. The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz: “Take care of the people, the products, and the profits– in that order.” & “Spend zero time on what you could have done, and devote all of your time on what you might do.” & “Watered-down feedback can be worse than no feedback at all because it’s deceptive and confusing to the recipient.”
40. My Utmost For His Highest by Mac Lucado
41. Becoming by Michelle Obama: “Time, as far as my father was concerned, was a gift you gave to other people.” & “Now I think it’s one of the most useless questions an adult can ask a child– What do you want to be when you grow up? As if growing up is finite. As if at some point you become something and that’s the end.” & “Kids wake up each day believing in the goodness of things, in the magic of what might be. They’re uncynical, believers at their core. We owe it to them to stay strong and keep working to create a more fair and humane world.”
42. A Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In The Sun, and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes: “If I don’t poke my head out of my shell and show people who I am, all anyone will ever think I am is my shell.” & “Being a mother is not a job. Stop throwing things at me. I am sorry but it is not. I find it offensive to call being a mother a job. Being a mother isn’t a job. It’s who someone is. It’s who I am. You can quit a job. I can’t quit being a mother. I’m a mother forever. Mothers are never off the clock, mothers are never on vacation. Being a mother defines us, reinvents us, destroys and rebuilds us. Being a mother brings us face-to-face with ourselves as children, with our mothers as human beings, with our darkest fears of who we really are. Being a mother requires us to get it together or risk messing up another person forever. Being a mother yanks our hearts out of our bodies and attaches them to our tiny humans and send them out into the world, forever hostages.” & “Dreams are lovely. But they are just dreams. Fleeting, ephemeral. Pretty. But dreams do not come true just because you dream them. It’s hard work that makes things happen. It’s hard work that creates change.”
43. The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter by Margareta Magnusson: “It’s amazing, and also a little strange, how many things we accumulate in a lifetime.” & “The one thing we know for sure is that we will die one day. But before that, you can try to do almost anything.” & “Did the Vikings know the real secret of death cleaning? Sometimes I think it must’ve been much easier to live and die at the time of our ancestors, the Vikings. When they buried their relatives they also buried many objects together with the body. This was to be sure that the dead would not miss anything in their new environment. It was also an assurance for the family members who remained that they would not become obsessed with spirits of the dead from constantly being reminded of them by their possessions being all over the tent or mud hut. Very clever. Can you imagine the same scenario today? With that skräp, Swedish for junk, that people have now, they would have to be buried in Olympic-sized swimming pools so that their stuff could do with them.”
44. Outer Order, Inner Calm: Declutter & Organize to Make More Room For Happiness by Gretchen Ruben: “Having less often leads us to use our things more and with more enjoyment because we’re not fighting our way through a welter of unwanted stuff.” & “Outer order isn’t a matter of having less or having more; it’s a matter of wanting what we have.” & “It’s more useful to think about ‘accessibility’ rather than ‘storage’.” & “The best guide to the future is the past. If you haven’t used that thing since you acquired it, it’s unlikely you’ll start now.” & “Mise en place.”
45. A Full Life: Reflections at Ninety by Jimmy Carter
46. In Pieces by Sally Field: “To be excellent at anything, it must cost you something.” & “What I do know is this: How you care for your child from the time they are born until they’re eighteen is important, but who you are as a person and a parent for as long as you live also counts, and counts one hell of a lot.”
47. Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts by Brené Brown: “If you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities.” & “We have to be able to take feedback– regardless of how it’s delivered– and apply it productively. We have to do this for a simple reason: Mastery requires feedback. I don’t care what we’re trying to master– and whether we’re trying to develop greatness or proficiency– it always requires feedback.”  & “Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.”
48. Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis: “You have the ability to change your life. You’ve always had the power, Dorothy. You just have to stop waiting for someone else to do it for you. There is no easy way out of this; there is no life hack. Just you and your God-given strength and how much you desire change.” & “Your life is supposed to be a journey from one unique place to another; it’s not supposed to be a merry-go-round that brings you back to the same spot over and over again.” & “Nothing is wasted. Every single moment is preparing you for the next. Buth Whether or not you choose to see this time as something wonderful– the time when God is stretching you and growing you or maybe forging you in fires hotter than you think you can withstand– all of it is growing you for the person you’re becoming, for a future you can’t even imagine.”
49. Less: A Visual Guide to Minimalism by Rachel Aust: “Minimalism is unsubscribing from the idea that how much you own equates to your level of happiness.”
50. Wolfpack: How to Come Together Unleash Our Power and Change the Game by Abby Wambach: “Women haven’t yet accessed the power of failure. When it comes, we panic, deny it or reject it outright. Worst-case scenario, we view failure as proof we were always unworthy imposters. Men have been allowed to fail and keep playing forever. Why do we let failure take us out of the game? Imperfect men have been empowered and permitted to run the world since the beginning of time. It’s time for imperfect women tot grant themselves permission to join them.” & “Leader is not a title the world gives you– it’s an offering that you give to the world.” & “NEW RULES: 1) Create your own path 2) Be grateful for what you have AND demand what you deserve 3) Lead now– from wherever you are 4) Failure means you’re finally IN the game 5) Be FOR each other 6) Believe in yourself. Demand the ball 7) Lead with humility. Cultivate leaders 8) You’re not alone. You’ve got your Pack.”
51. This Is The Story Of A Happy Marriage by Ann Parchett: “There are always those perfect times with the people we love, those moments of joy and equality that sustain us later on. These moments are the foundation upon which we build the house that will shelter us into our final years, so that when love calls out, ‘How far would you go for me?’ you can look it in the eye and say truthfully, ‘Farther than you would ever have thought was possible.'”
52. There Are No Grown-Ups: A Mid-Life Coming of Age Story by Pamela Druckerman: “Though I’m winging it, I’ve realized that everyone else is, too. Parenting starts out as a concrete project. You’re full of ideas about how to share your children. But you end up with this jellyfish of a family that you can’t control exactly. All you can do is warm the waters and nudge it in the right direction.” & “Femme Libre… In a common French narrative, a woman’s 20’s and ’30s are the period when she does what’s expected, but by her 40’s she becomes increasingly free by doing what truly suits her.” & “There’s something very grown up about the free woman. She has gravitas and a sense of purpose. She can make things matter and yet she doesn’t take herself too seriously. She’s at ease in her own body and she knows how to experience pleasure. It’s not a bad thing to aim for– even if you’re not French.”
53. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain: “How did we go from ‘character’ to ‘personality’ without realizing that we had sacrificed something meaningful along the way?” & “The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk. Use your natural powers– of persistence, concentration, and insight– to do work you love and work that matters. Solve problems, make art, think deeply.” & “I had always imagined Rosa Parks as a stately woman with a bold temperament, someone who could easily stand up to a busload of glowering passengers. But when she died in 2005 at the age of ninety-two, the flood of obituaries recalled her as soft-spoken, sweet, and small in stature. They said she was ‘timid and shy’ but had ‘the courage of a lion.’ They were full of phrases like ‘radical humility’ and ‘quiet fortitude’.” & “There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.”
54. You Are Not Special: And Other Encouragements by David McCullough, Jr.: “And read… read all the time… read as a matter of principle, as a matter of self-respect. Read as a nourishing staple of life.” & “Bookes, for example, the accrued capital of the human experience, all the wealth of the human mind, books help you think bigger and better, therefore you are bigger and better. You should read, then, all the tie, wherever your interests take you. It’s too important not to.” & “Like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, a gratifying byproduct. It’s what happens when you’re thinking about more important things.”
55. The Road Back To You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron: “Eights have more energy than any other number on the Enneagram. They are fiery, zestful, earthy, full-throttle people who drink life down to the dregs and then slam their glass down and order a second round for everyone else at the bar.” & “That’s how it is with Eights. They’ll respect you if you hold your ground with them, and once the confrontation is over, it’s as if nothing happened.” & “You also need to keep them active. Eight is like a puppy who’s been cooped up in the house all day: keep [her] busy or [she’ll] gnaw everything in your house down to the studs.” & “They’re finite creatures trying to measure an overfull tank of infinite desires. That’s a lot to manage. When contained correctly, their fire can safely welcome and warm people. But like all fire, if not surrounded with a hearth of self-restraint it will burn your house down.”
56. Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder by Arianna Huffington: “It’s not ‘What do I want to do?’, it’s ‘What kind of life do I want to have?'” & “The people who we invite on the train are those with whom we are prepared to be vulnerable and real, with whom there is no room for masks and games. They strengthen us when we falter and remind us of the journey’s purpose when we become distracted by the scenery. And we do the same for them. Never let life’s lagos– flatterers, dissemblers– onto your train. We always get warnings from our heart and our intuition when they appear, but we are often too busy to notice. When you realize they’ve made it on board, make sure you usher them off the train, and as soon as you can, forgive them and forget them. There nothing more draining than holding grudges.” & “And whenever I’d complain or was upset about something in my own life my mother had the same advice: ‘Darling, just change the channel. You are in control of the clicker. Don’t replay the bad, scary movie.'” & “An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life at 94 ‘A fight is going on inside me,’ he said to the boy. ‘It’s a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil— he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.’ He continued, ‘ The other is good– he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you– and inside every other person, too.’ The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.”– Cherokee Legend
57. The Minimalist Home by Joshua Becker: “Minimalism isn’t about removing things you love. It’s about removing the things that distract you from the things you love.” & “Minimizing is actually optimizing– reducing the number of your possessions until you get to the best possible level for you and your family. It’s individual, freeing, and life-promoting. It’s a makeover that you can do on your own, in your current house, just by getting rid of stuff.” & “Because the best things in life aren’t things.” & “It feels better to do stuff than to have stuff.” & “Picture your dream home. I bet it’s not filled with clutter.” & ” We, as a society, waste so much time and energy and money accumulating material possessions that we don’t even realize how much good could accomplish if we freed up those resources for better things.”
58. The Beautiful No: And Other Tales of Trial, Transcendence, and Transformation by Sheri Salata: “Listen, this may be a bold statement, but if we could collapse time and recognize the beauty in a no right when it arrives, no matter how disappointed we might feel, I think we would have mastered something fundamentally important about living happily ever after.”
59. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle: “Time isn’t precious at all because it’s an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: The Now. That is precious, indeed. The more you are focused on time– past and future– the more you miss the now, the most precious thing there is. Why is it the most precious thing? Firstly, because it is the only thing. It’s all there is. The eternal present is the space in which your whole life unfolds. The one factor that remains constant. Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now. Nor will there ever be.” & “See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or if possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” & “If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.”
60. My Squirrel Days: Tales from the Star of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and The Office by Ellie Kemper: “The point to take away from all this research is: if ‘AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH’ isn’t a word imitating the most natural sound in the whole world, then I wouldn’t want to be right. Here’s the thing about ‘lol’: what in the hell does that even mean? That I’m Laughing Out Loud? Yeah, that really comes across when I’m reading it.”
61. Dear America, Note of An Undocumented Citizen by Jose Antonio Vargas: “Dear America, is this what you really want? Do you even know what is happening in your name?” & “There are an estimated 28 million migrants around the world, and many us are migrating to countries that previously colonized and imperialized us. We have a human right to move, and governments should serve that right, not limit it. The unprecedented movement of people– what some might call a ‘global migration crisis’– is, in reality, a natural progression of history. Yes, we are here because we believe in the promise of the American Dream– the search for a better life, the challenge of dreaming big. But we are also here because you were there– the cost of American imperialism and globalization, the impact of economic policies and political decisions.” & “Think of it as taxation without legalization.”
62. 101 Ways to Go Zero Waste by Kathryn Kellog: “Have you ever thought about your trash? Take a second and do it now.” & “According to the EPA, the average American sends 4.4 pounds of trash to the landfill every day. We live in a convenience-based society where we often believe that all our problems can be solved with cheap, disposable products destined for the landfills.” & “Can I, just one person, really make a difference? YES!… you don’t vote only at the ballot box. you vote every day with every purchase you make.” & “It’s not about perfection; it’s about making better choices.”
63. The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide by Jenna Fischer: “You see here’s the truth I’ve learned after 20 years in the business: No job changes everything. Nothing removes the struggle completely.”
64. In Order to Live: A North Korean Girl’s Journey to Freedom by Yeonmi Park: “When you have more words to describe the world, you increase your ability to think complex thoughts.” & “I never knew freedom could be such a cruel and difficult thing. Until now, I had always thought that being free meant being able to wear jeans and watch whatever movies I wanted without worrying about being arrested. Now I realized that I had to think all the time– and it was exhausting. There were times when I wondered whether, if it wasn’t for the constant hunger, I would be better off in North Korea, where all my thinking and all my choices were taken care of for me.” & “There was no ‘I’ in North Korea– only ‘we,'” & “Reading was teaching me what it meant to be alive to be human.”
65. #IMOMSOHARD by Kristin Hensley and Jen Smedley: “Being honest with my kids is more important than being perfect with my kids.
66. How to Raise Kind Kids: And Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain by Thomas Lickona: “What is the most important question we can ask ourselves as parents? It’s this: What kind of person do we want our child to be– now, as we’re raising them, and later, as an adult. If you are like most parents, you will say that you want your child to be a good person. Of course, you also want them to be happy. You want them to have friends. You want them to have friends. You want them to discover and develop their talents, find meaning at whatever they feel called to do. But success will be hollow if they don’t have good character.”
67. Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife by Barbara Bradley Hagerty: “Turns out we’re hardwired for connection.” & “Lonely people were not faking their symptoms. Their own bodies were reacting to loneliness at a cellular level, trying to nudge them to make friends and get back into the warm, safe center of the herd.” & “The men and women who scored highest on conscientiousness– that is, who control their impulses, who were dependable and goal-oriented– had 89 percent lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s than the least conscientious people.” & “Develop thought patterns, particularly purpose in life, now, in one’s forties, fifties, and sixties. Find a purpose beyond your career— because you will one day retire… In fact, people with little purpose were two and half times more likely to develop dementia than those with a mission.” & “Every idea in this book runs against our natural tendency to want to relax, take it easy, reward ourselves for decades of work and childrearing. Our default mode at midlife is entropy. The default is not destiny, and on this, the research is unequivocal: for every fork in the road, you are almost invariably better off making the harder choice. Harder in the moment, that is, but easier over the years, as your body and mind remain strong. By resisting entropy, but pushing through the inertia that beckons us to rest a little longer, to slow down just a notch, until your life has narrowed to a pinprick– by resisting those forces, you dramatically up the odds that your life will be rich to your final breath, deeply entwined with family and friends, engaged in intellectual pursuits, and infused with a purpose that extends beyond yourself. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s worth it.”
68. How to Be a Family: The Year I Dragged My Family Around the World to Find a New Way to Be Together by Dan Kois: “The trip didn’t change our life. The trip was our life, and it remains our life, forevermore. The trip didn’t change how we are a family; we are a family, and we were all changing the whole time. For the year, we each got to be the scaffold around which the others grew. The miracle of the trip was that we were all together to notice it. The miracle of the time after will be that we still do.” & “Suddenly I got it. The difference between American families and Kiwi families wasn’t that Kiwi families were somehow magically more attuned to nature than American ones. It was that Kiwi parents felt strongly enough about nature to endure everything that sucks about hiking and everything that sucks even worse about making kids do something they find boring. About what did I feel strongly enough to overcome my disinterest in making my kids do stuff they complained about, and not once but over and over, enough times to make it a habit?” & “In the Netherlands, I hoped to find the sweet spot between ‘I don’t want him to be average’ and New Zealand’s ‘You’re a dog.’ Surely there must be one! A country devoted to rigorously enforced equality that also prides itself on its cultural and national accomplishments seemed just the place to find it… ‘You have that feeling of belonging from knowing I am good enough. Good enough, that’s for us [a] very important thing.’ Well, there, elegantly delivered, was my midpoint between ‘I don’t want him to be average’ and ‘You’re a dog.’ Haverkamp suggested that I listen to myself, really listen to myself, and never use a tone with my children that I would not use with another adult. And open myself up, she said, to the idea that truly respecting the kid’s opinions and ideas would mean, often, making family decisions I didn’t agree with.”
69. The Genius Habit: How One Habit Can Radically Change Your Work and Your Life by Laura Garnett: “In this book, you will learn that tapping into your genius is less about changing yourself and more about cultivating the gifts you already have into highly effective ways of operating.” & “When joy, not drudgery, is associated with work, our society will be different. Living up to your true potential is the greatest gift you can give yourself but also the world. Enjoy the journey.” & “Trying to do everything perfectly is a huge energy drain, and the quest for perfection leads to a tendency to be overstretched… Excellence is an expensive skill: people evert a lot of energy trying to be an expert at everything rather than prioritizing how they can best use their genius and delegating the rest.” & “Stay true to your Zone of Genius.”
70. The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living by Meik Wiking
71. The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money by Rob Lieber: “Spoiled children tend to have four primary things in common, though they don’t all have to be present at once: They have few chores or other responsibilities, there aren’t many rules that govern their behaviors or schedules, parents and others lavish them with time and assistance, and they have a lot of material possessions.” & “‘Most 12-month-olds will sit with you and insist that you take their gross Cheerios, over and over. And insist that you eat them, and like them. It’s not just that they want to give them to you; they want to watch and make sure you enjoy it.’ She [Kiley Hamlin, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia] believes simple evolution is the explanation here: We live in groups for protection and companionship, and doing so requires cooperation and generosity.” & “Money is central, but it is also a teaching tool that uses the value of a dollar to instill in our children the values we want them to embrace… — curiosity, patience thrift, modesty, generosity, perseverance, and perspective.” & “Every conversation about money is also about values. Allowance is also about patience. Giving is also about generosity. Work is about perseverance. Negotiating their wants and needs and the difference between the two has a lot to do with thrift and prudence.”
72. The Quarter-Life Breakthrough: Invent Your Own Path, Find Meaningful Work, and Build a Life That Matters by Adam Smiley Poswolsky: “People maximize their potential when they work toward something greater than themselves and when they align their work with their purpose. Another way to think of your purpose is what you want to do for the world… Let’s accept the idea that very few people have only one purpose, one truth, or one calling. Our purpose actually changes throughout our lives.” & “Your ‘breakthrough priority’ is your bottom line, which says: above all else, even if I have to make certain sacrifices, it’s important that my next lily pad allows me to_______.” & “With a retirement mindset, we work our whole lives in order to spend a few years post-sixty-five playing gold. With a lily pad career mindset, we spend our whole lives doing something that matters– our work is so purposeful that when we turn sixty-five, we can’t even bring ourselves to stop working (and we certainly don’t have any reason to play golf).”
73. The 2-Hour Job Search: Using Technology to Get the Right Job Faster by Steve Dalton: “The advent of online job postings fundamentally changes how hiring gets done. People flocked to the concept due to its convenience and logic. However, in practice, online job postings have proven to be nothing more than a massive red herring. Submitting resumes online lets job seekers feel like they’re looking for a job, so job seekers continue to use them knowing full well how unlikely a response is. It’s like watching someone beating up a vending machine for an hour completely unwilling to accept that it just ate his or her money.” & “Step1: Prioritize. The LAMP Method. We learned how to build a list of 40 possible employers in 40 minutes. We then collected 3 pieces of data that approximated the likelihood of success for each one. Step 2: Contact. We learned that less is more. Shorter outreach emails, particularly the 5-point email process, as not only easier and faster to write but they also maximize the probability of getting a response from boosters. Step 3: Recruit. We learned a process for managing informational interviews to maximize the chances of meeting our dual goals: building rapport and gaining using information.”
74. Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne: “We are building our daily lives, and our families, on the four pillars of too much: too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too much speed. With this level of busyness, distractions, time pressure, and clutter (mental and physical), children are robbed of the time and ease they need to explore their worlds and their emerging selves.” & “Our society– with its pressure of ‘too much’– is waging an undeclared war on childhood.” & “Little ones ‘graze’ on our emotions. They feed on the tone we set, the emotional climate we create.” & “Part of an acorn’s telos, or destiny, is to become an oak. An acorn caries its telos within, from the beginning. Beyond our genetic gifts to them, beyond what they absorb from us and their environment, children seem to arrive with something of their very own, a telos, or intrinsic nature.” & “Children need experience, not entertainment, in play. The more kids can do, see, feel, and experience for themselves in play, the more connected they will feel to the world, and the less overwhelmed. We live in an information age, where kindergarten-age children know all about the tropical rainforest. Yet have they thoroughly mucked about in their own yards and neighborhoods?” & “Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day pr every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: the family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bedtime. Saturday morning pancakes.”
75. Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again by Rachel Held Evans: “The apostles remembered what many modern Christians tend to forget– that what makes the gospel offensive isn’t who it keeps out but who it lets un.” & “The church is not a group of people who believe all the same things; the church is a group of people caught up in the same story, with Jesus at the center.” & “While Christians tend to turn to Scripture to end a conversation, Jews turn to Scripture to start a conversation.” & “I’ve often said that those who say having a childlike faith means not asking questions haven’t met too many children.” & “The truth is, you can bend Scripture to say just about anything you want it to say. You can bend it until it breaks. For those who count the Bible as sacred, interpretation is not a matter of whether to pick and choose, but how to pick and choose. We’re all selective. We all wrestle with how to interpret and apply the Bible to our lives. We all go to the text looking for something, and we all have a tendency to find it. So the question we have to ask ourselves is this: are we reading with the prejudice of love, with Christ as our model, or are we reading with the prejudices of judgment and power, self-interest and greed? Are we seeking to enslave or liberate, burden or set free?” & “God is still breathing. The Bible is both inspired and inspiring. our job is to ready the sails and gather the embers, to discuss and debate, and like the bible character Jacob, to wrestle with the mystery until God gives us a blessing.”
76. The Montessori Toddler: A Parent’s Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being by Simone Davis: “Let the children be free; encourage them; let them run outside when it is raining; let them remove their shows when they find a puddle of water; and, when the grass of the meadow is wet with dew, let them run on it and trample it with their bare feet; let them rest peacefully when a tree invites them to sleep beneath its shade; let them shout and laugh when the sun wakes them in the morning as it wakes every living creature that decides its days between waking and sleeping.”–Dr. Maria Montessori, The Discovery of the Child & “We can continue Montessori at home by including the child in daily life and making sure they have time for unstructured play, opportunities to create, time outdoors, and time for rest. They will continue to practice skills through practical life, arts and crafts, movement and music, and books.” & “Remember, we want our homes to be ‘yes’ spaces that are sage for our toddlers to explore.” & “1. Follow the child– Let them lead 2. Encourage hands-on learning– Let them explore 3. Include the child in daily life– Let them be included 4. Go slow– Let them set their own pace 5. Help me to help myself– let them be independent and responsible 6. Encourage creativity– let them wonder 7. Observe– Let them show us.”
77. Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice From the Best in the World by Tim Ferriss
78. Brave, Not Perfect: Fear Less, Fail More, and Live Better by Rashmi Saujani: “Our culture has shaped generations of perfect girls… who grow up to be women afraid to take a chance. Afraid of speaking their minds, of making bold choices, or owning and celebrating their achievements, and of living the life they want to live, without constantly seeking outside approval. In other words: afraid of being brave.” & “A great example of how powerful the people-pleasing impulse can be, comes from an experiment about lemonade. Yes, lemonade. ABC News, with the help of psychologist Campbell Leaper from the University of California, gave groups of boys and girls a glass of lemonade that was objectively awful (they added salt instead of sugar) and asked how they like it. The boys immediately said, ‘Eeech… this takes disgusting.’ All the girls, however, politely drank it, even choked it down. Only when the researchers pushed and asked the girls why they hadn’t told them the lemonade was terrible did the girls admit that they hadn’t wanted to make the researchers feel bad.”
79. The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks: “Individualism says, You have to love yourself first before you can love others. But the second-mountain ethos says, You have to be loved first so you can understand love, and you have to see yourself actively loving others so that you know you are worthy of love. On the first mountain, a person makes individual choices and keeps their options open. The second mountain us a vale of promise-making. It is about making commitments, tying oneself down, and giving oneself away.” & “In this way, moral formation is not individual; it is relational. Character is not something you build sitting in a room thinking about the difference between right and wrong and about your own willpower. Character emerges from our commitments. If you want to inculcate character in someone else, teach them how to form commitments– temporary ones in childhood, permanent ones in adulthood. Commitments are the school for moral formation. When your life is defined by fervent commitments, you are on the second mountain.” & “You don’t climb the second mountain the way you climb the first mountain. You conquer your first mountain. You identify the summit, and you claw your way toward it. You are conquered by your second mountain. You surrender to some summons, and you do everything necessary to answer the call and address the problem or injustice that is in front of you. On the first mountain, you tend to be ambitious, strategic, and independent. On the second mountain, you tend to be relational, intimate, and relentless.”
80. The Latte Factor: Why You Don’t Have to Be Rich to Live Rich by David Bach: “1. Pay yourself first 2. Don’t budget. Make it automatic 3. Live rich now” & “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not like where you end up.”
81. The Art of Simple Living: 100 Daily Practices from a Japanese Zen Monk for a Lifetime of Calm and Joy by Shunmyo Masuno: “If the world is not going the way you want it to, perhaps it is better to change yourself.” & ” When things aren’t going well, we tend to think we are lacking something. But if we want to change our current situation, we should first part with something before we look to acquire something else. This is a fundamental tenet of simple living. Discard your attachments. Reduce your possessions. Living simply is also about discarding your physical and mental burdens.” & “Do not allow yourself to be disturbed by your anxieties or troubles— they key to keeping your mind invigorated is to first put the things around in order.” & “Life requires time and effort. That is to say, when we eliminate time and effort, we eliminate life’s pleasures. Every so often, experience the flip side of convenience.” & “Make your meals about the eating.” & “Humans are not capable of deep reflection while we are moving.” & “One hundred percent of us will die– that is our fate as human beings. We know this, and yet in the face of death, we still cling to life. When I greet my own end, I will strive for as little attachment as I can. I would like to depart this world thinking that my life has been a good one. I hope to embody the Zen concept that the way we live should complement our understanding of life and that we should strive to achieve the things of which we are capable.”
82. The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason: “Pay yourself first.” & “A part of all I earn is mine to keep… let it not be less than 1/10th and lay it by.” & ” Learn your lessons well. First, learn how to live on less than you can earn. Next, you learn to seek advice from those who are competent through their experiences to give it. And lastly, you learn to make gold work for you. How to acquire money, how to keep it, and how to use it.” & “7 Cures for a Lean Purse: 1. Pay thyself 1/10th of what thy earns. 2. Control thy expenditures. Budget thy expenses that thou mayest have coins to pay for thine necessities, to pay for thine enjoyments, and to gratify thy worthwhile desires without spending more than 9/10ths of thy earnings. 3. Make thy gold multiply.  4. Guard thy treasure from loss by investing only where thy principle is safe where it may be reclaimed if desirable and where thou will not fail to collect a fair rental. Consult with wise [wo]men. Secure the advice of those experienced in the profitable handling of gold. Let their wisdom protect thy treasure from unsafe investments. 5. Make thy dwelling a profitable investment. Own thy own home. 6. Ensure a future income. Provide in advance for the needs of thy growing age and the protection of thy family. 7. Increase thy ability to earn. Cultivate thy own powers. Study and become wiser. Become more skillful. Thereby shalt thou acquire confidence in oneself to achieve thy carefully considered desires.” & “Truth is always simple.”
83. The Codling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas are Setting up a Generation for Failure by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt: “By standards of our great-grandparents, nearly all of us are coddled. Each generation tends to see the one after as weak, whiny, and lacking in resilience. Those older generations may have had a point, even though these generational changes reflect real and positive progress. To repeat, we are not saying that the problems facing students, and young people more generally, are minor or ‘all in their heads.’ We are saying that what people chose to do in their heads will determine how those real problems affect them. Our argument is ultimately pragmatic, not moralistic: Whatever your identity, background, or political ideology, you will be happier, healthier, stronger and more likely to succeed in pursuing your own goals if you do the opposite of what Misoponos advised. That means seeking out challenges (rather than eliminating or avoiding everything that ‘feels unsafe’), freeing yourself from cognitive distortions (rather than always trusting your initial feelings), and taking a generous view of other people, and looking for nuance (rather than assuming the worst about people within a simplistic us-vs-them morality).” & “The Untruth of Fragility: What doesn’t kill you makes you weaker. The Untruth of Emotional Reasoning: Always trust your feelings. The Untruth of Us Versus Them: Life is a battle between good people and evil people.” & “Teaching kids that failures, insults, and painful experiences will do lasting damage is harmful in and of itself. Human beings need physical and mental challenges and stressors or we deteriorate.” & “If we want to create welcoming, inclusive communities, we should be doing everything we can to turn down the tribalism and turn up the sense of common humanity.” & “Twenge finds that there are just two activities that are significantly correlated with depression and other suicide-related outcomes (such as considering suicide, making a plan, or making an actual attempt): electronic device use (such as a smartphone, tablet, or computer) and watching TV. On the other hand, there are five activities that have inverse relationships with depression (meaning that kids who spend more hours per week on these activities show lower rates of depression): sports and other forms of exercise, attending religious services, reading books and other print materials, in-person social interactions, and doing homework.”
84. Chasing the Brightside: Embrace Optimism, Activate your Purpose, and Write Your Own Story by Jess Ekstrom (one of my former students!!!): “Optimism is about understanding that we can’t control our experiences, but we can control what they mean to us and the story they write for us.” & “out of your 70,000 daily thoughts, which ones don’t support your story?” & “We never want to reach a place where we feel like we know it all. Which is why it’s a benefit to not classify yourself as an expert. When we feel like we’ve reached a place where we should stop being curious or learning from others, that’s a far worse place to be than a beginner. Optimists are openminded and filled with wonder about what is possible without being sure of what’s next.”
85. Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport: “Simply put, humans were not wired to be constantly wired.” & “I’m quite simply happier and more productive– by noticeably large factors– when I’m walking regularly. Many others, both today and historically, enjoy the same benefits that come from this substantial injection of solitude into an otherwise hectic life. Thoreau once wrote: I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least– and it is commonly more than that– sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements.” & “The dumb phone movement is gathering steam, and the tools available to support this lifestyle change are improving. If you’re exhausted by your smartphone addiction, it’s not only possible to say, ‘No more,’ it’s actually not that hard.”
86. Everything Is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo: “She put down her screwdriver, turned to me, and said, ‘don’t be silly, Ree. Nothing in life is that complicated. You can do whatever you set your mind to if you just roll up your sleeves, get in there, and do it. Everything is figureoutable.” & “The most powerful words in the universe are the words you say to yourself.” & “You are 100 percent responsible for your life. Always and in all ways. It’s not your parents. It’s not the economy. It’ snot your husband or wife or your family. It’s not your boss. It’s not the schools you went to. It’s not the government or society or institutions or your age. You are responsible for what you believe, how you feel, and how you behave. To be clear, I’m not saying you’re responsible for the actions of others or injustices that have happened to you– but you are responsible for how you respond to the actions of others. In fact, lasting happiness can only come when you take 100 percent responsibility for yourself.” & “I win or I learn, but I never lose.”
87. No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson:
88. Pivot: The Only Move That Matters is Your Next One by Jenny Blake: “Pivoting WAS a response to failing at Plan A, the original goal. But when it comes to our careers, learning to pivot IS Pan A. Pivoting, within our roles and throughout our careers, is the new normal.”
89. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: “‘To be loved equally,’ I continued, ‘is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely– for one’s own special self– is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” & “Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.” & “‘It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,’ I replied. ‘We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”
90. Into the World: The Acts of the Apostles by Carol J. Miller + The Book of Acts

Here’s what I was (and in some cases am still currently) reading as 2019 transitioned into 2020:

• The 5 AM Club: Own Your Morning Routine, Elevate Your Life by Robin Sharma
• The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-First Century by Thomas L. Freidman
• The Lemon Tree: An Arab, A Jew, and the Heart of the Middle East by Sandy Tolan
• I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist by Norman L. Geisler and Frank Turek
• Factfulness: Ten Reasons Why We’re Wrong About the World and Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling
• American Like Me: Reflections on Life Between Cultures by America Ferrera
• Comedy Sex God by Pete Holmes

Here’s what I received as Christmas gifts/just checked out of the library and I cannot wait to dig into:

• In the Midst of Winter by Isabel Allende
• The Signal and The Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail-– But Some Don’t by Nate Silver
• The Mosquito: A Human History of Our Deadliest Predator by Timothy C. Winegard
• Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting by Hunter Clarke-Fields

Cheers to 2020!  And here’s to more free reading!

A home with the siblings & without the rivalry? Can we really live the dream and not the drama?

I am a parenting novice (despite two kids and almost 4 years of skin in the game thus far) and am always in need of improvement. Don’t worry. I tell my kids daily that I make mistakes and that I’m working on it.

Therefore, I am often reading to learn more. I am always full of hope and optimistically in search of helpful, practical, and well-researched advice to aid me in this parenting journey.

As I read, I often use this blog to process my thoughts about some of the books I read and to create a searchable reference for myself so that I can return to lessons learned and key insights gained from the authors and their works.

For the book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish I’m not going to reinvent the wheel here. I’m loving this mom’s cliffs notes/summary of this book. So, I’m just going to leave his here for me to reference later as it will certainly be needed as my two under 4 hash it out together at this stage of life and all the others to come as they mature together and individually: https://www.google.com/amp/s/matleave.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/siblings-without-rivalry-parenting-books-cliff-notes/amp/

Here’s also a helpful resource for siblings without rivalry from a Montessori perspective and its image captured via Pinterest:

Wish us luck, determination, patience (and maybe sometimes some divine intervention) as we attempt to live the drama-free dream!

Can Parenting Really Be Simple? Why not?

I recently finished the book Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne. I thought this was a great read. I would certainly recommend it to other parents. Of course, there are some suggestions in the book that I simply (haha) couldn’t see my family executing– like taking the TV out of our living room or removing, essentially, most of the books from my kids’ room. However, so many of the suggestions I agree with, and even those that I don’t, warrant taking a pause and thinking through what is right and best for my family, our environment, our habits.

The Simplicity Parenting website gives the following overview:

Simplicity Parenting based on the book by Kim John Payne offers a simple, orderly, and effective pathway to simplify four realms at home, which reduces stress on children and their parents, and allows room for connection, creativity, and relaxation.

These four realms for simplifying are:

1. Environment: De-cluttering too much stuff at home.
2. Rhythm: Increasing predictability by introducing rhythmic moments for connection and calm.
3. Scheduling: Soothing violent schedules brings moments for Being into all the Doing.
4. Unplugging: Reducing the influence of adult concerns, media and consumerism on children and families to increase resilience, social and emotional intelligence.

Parents who take steps along this pathway to simplify their homes and their schedules, to introduce more predictable rhythms and to filter out concerns which children are not yet able to cope with, find that their children:

• Are calmer and happier
• Do better socially and emotionally
• Are more focused at school
• Find it easier to comply with family rules
• Become less picky eaters

These parents also find that they themselves:

• Have a clearer picture of what they value as parents
• Are more united with each other in their parenting
• Have more time and energy for connection, relaxation, and fun”

At the start of his book, Payne asks us the question: Why simplify at all?

Well, he holds that kids today in our cultural context are experiencing attention issues, anxiety, and depression at higher rates because of the overwhelm in their environments. At the start of his career, he counseled children affected by warzones and violent childhood trama (children who essentially were suffering from PTSD) and later in his career was finding similar symptoms in children who came from upper-middle-class families who were not growing up in war-torn regions of the globe. In treating the kids from both contexts, he found that going through a detailed “simplifying of their world” proved very effective and reduced or prevented the need for prescription medications.

Some thought-provoking quotes for me were:

“We are building our daily lives, and our families, on the four pilars of too much: too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too much speed. With this level of busyness, distractions, time pressure, and clutter (physical and mental), children are robbed of the time and ease they need to explore their worlds and their emerging selves.”

“Our society– with its pressure of ‘too much’– is waging an undeclared war on childhood.”

“Children need experiences, not entertainment, in play. The more kids can do, see, feel, and experience for themselves in play, the more connected they will feel to the world, and the less overwhelmed. We live in an information age, where kindergarten-age children know all about the tropical rainforest. Yet have they thoroughly mucked about in their own yards and neighborhoods?”

I think about this so much at this preschool stage (especially the third quote). I feel like my kids have too much. TOO MUCH STUFF. Do my kids really need ALL THE TOYS? And I certainly prefer when their toys don’t DO any of the playing FOR them. I am that mom who ALWAYS takes out the batteries and/or keeps the toy turned off. The grandparents consistently make jokes about it but they know after I take the toy home it WILL NOT have any noises or lights anymore. For my sanity, for the kids’, and for the dogs’. Those toys have no “staying power” at our house. In his simplifying the environment chapter, Payne doesn’t list specifically what toys to have or which toys to get rid of, but he does provide this guide for parents in the simplifying process.

Avoid:

• Toys that are conceptually “fixed” toys (toys based on movie characters, etc.
• Toys that “do too much” and break too easily
• Very high-stimulation toys
• Annoying or offensive toys
• Toys you are pressured to buy
• Toys that inspire corrosive play (violent video games, etc.)
• Toy multiples (sorry, no need for 100 beanie babies)

On these points, I could not agree more.

Thought-provoking quotes continued:

“Little ones ‘graze’ on our emotions. They feed on the tone we set, the emotional climate we create.”

When I, myself, am overwhelmed, or when I am frustrated, or when I am yelling (read: fed-up and mad), I am certain it affects my kids. How could it not? I will continue to keep at the forefront of my mind that my emotions are absorbed by and then mirrored back to me in my children. It becomes cyclical, but I, as the adult, have the conscious ability to break that cycle.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“Part of an acorn’s telos, or destiny, is to become an oak. An acorn carries its telos within, from the beginning. Beyond our genetic gifts to them, beyond what they absord from us and their environment, children seem to arrive with something of their very own, a telos, or intrinsic nature.”

Having two boys only 18 months apart who are both biologically ours being raised in the same home environment, I have begun to think about this almost on a daily basis. Two kids who have so much in common, could not be more different. They are each CLEARLY their own acorn, with their own telos– or rather they might even be two entirely different seeds that will certainly flower into their own species of tree one day. I have to remember that my goal is not to make them into my tree or even into the same tree, but rather to guide them into growing into their own. This is WAY easier said than done. Every day I try– both to make them my tree and to help them become their own.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“But a half hour or an hour of quiet, restful solitary time during the day is restorative at any age, and a habit worth cultivating.”

100% agree. This used to be 100% true in our house. I want this to ALWAYS be true in our house. My only question is… HOW DO YOU MAKE THE KIDS RECOGNIZE IT’S A HABIT WORTH CULTIVATING? Currently, my kiddos are more interested in playing “jump in the leaves” in their room during afternoon nap/rest time than being quiet (or heaven forbid *** sleeping*** during their half-hour or hour of quiet).

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: the family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bedtime… Saturday pancakes.”

I know we are enjoying this part of the preschool years. Repetition is fun. Family ritual is fun. Daily-ness is fun. Common threads are simple– but not always easy (see our nightly– often failed– attempts to get everyone to sit and eat at the dinner table. Although, every now and then there is that gem of a night where the stars align and it’s… awesome!).  I wonder when the joy of repetition and simple togetherness will change. I do not welcome its demise.

However, the good news is that as I spend time with my 90+-year-old grandmother, it seems that this valuation of repetition as connection seems to come back around again if we are lucky enough to live that long, or wise enough to not forget it.

So, maybe Saturday pancakes and nature walks will always be the key to connection.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“After all, it’s not just what you make of your time, it’s whether you have the time to make it your own.”

Well, for me at least, doesn’t it all just boil down to this one sentence. Time is all we have. We can’t save it. We can’t make more of it. If I want to teach my kids anything about time, it’s that they should make it their own.

In the last chapters of his book, Payne discusses the vital need for parents to function as a secure home-base for their kids as they grow, rather than the “helicopter” parent with which we are so familiar. He goes on to give advice regarding how to achieve this mindset given that parents often have their own anxieties and needs for their kids to become something, succeed at something, achieve something. His last suggestion, which I’ll quote below, is a habit I would live to cultivate in myself before coming obsessively involved in the trajectory of my kids’ lives:

“My last suggestions for backing off from overinvolvement is a simple one. I’ve seen it make a profound difference, however, in some parents’ attitudes, and the emotional climate of their parenting. It is a meditation, a mental exercise for the end of the day that will take just a minute or two. Before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that mean something to you. This simple exercise is like a spritual corrective lense. In your vision of your kids it helps restore the prominance of ‘who are they’ over ‘what they need to do’ or ‘what they need to work on’.”

I want my kids to have a childhood full of the dailiness of simply being a kid so that they can grow into who they themselves can be. I want to cultivate and remember who they are, their telos. Payne encourages visualization as a key habit in simplicity parenting and this seems like a simple and great place to start.

I don’t know what this simple, dailiness of being a kid will look like as my boys get older and we have to consider more often balancing their schedule and all the activities that may infiltrate our days.

BUT… I can say, at this pre-school stage, it will mean fewer toys, less TV (our kids don’t interact with other screens), more focused family time, continued family dinners, and more unstructured outside time.

Today we basically spent the entire afternoon outside in the front and backyards and then cooked dinner over a backyard fire. It was a great day and the boys fell asleep (relatively) simply after a few bedtime books and creative stories.

However… Winter is coming… and Christmas is on the horizon. Time to cull some more toys. It should be simple, right?

Can it really ONLY take 2 hours?

I recently read The 2 Hour Job Search: Using Technology to Make Real-World Connections and Get the Right Job FASTER by Steve Dalton, Senior Career Consultant and Associate Director at Duke University’s Fuqua Business School.

It’s a very process-focused, detail-oriented approach to finding your next job using technology: excel spreadsheets, Linked-in, Indeed.com, email, online alumni databases, Facebook, Google searches, Outlook/Google calendar.

The basic message of the book is that technology, specifically the online job posting and digital applications/resume submissions, has made finding jobs infinitely easier. However, at the same time, that same technology has made getting your application/resume seen and then receiving an interview infinitely more challenging. Dalton holds that the key to success in a job search lies in harnessing technology to find and cultivate advocates working in fields of interest to you or at your desired companies. He calls these people “boosters.” Essentially, boosters help give you information about the company, provide insight into current trends in the field, and (hopefully) will serve as a direct connection/reference when you apply for the right position in that field/company.

Here’s my notes from the “quick start guide” at the closing of the book:

Step One: Prioritize. The LAMP Method (making your spreadsheet)

List column: 40 minutes total. 4 approaches X 10 minutes per.

a) Dream Employer Approach:

1. Type any dream employers that come to mind in the “L” column of your spreadsheet.
2. Determine common traits shared by your dream employers and log employers who similarly meet those criteria

b) Alumni Approach:

1. Search alumni databases for organizations where alumni hold interesting job titles in interesting locations.

c) Posting Approach:

1. Search indeed.com for organizations with currently available job postings of interest to you.

d) Trend Following Approach:

1. Google trends in industries or functions of interests such as “marketing trends” for employer ideas.

Alumni Column: 10 minutes

a) Search your most recent alumni database for alumni at each employer in the “L” column.

b) Note only “Y” for yes and “N” for no in the “A” column. Do not copy contact information at this time.

Motivation Column: 5 minutes

a) Assign target employers in the “L” column a qualitative score of 1-5. Assessing your motivation to approach each.

1. Award a score of 5 to targets you find most motivating, “dream employers.”
2. Award a score of 2 to targets you are familiar with but find least motivating.
3. Award a score of 1 to targets you are completely unfamiliar with.

Posting Column: 15 minutes

a) Using indeed.com, classify current hiring activity. A 1-3 scale should work in a majority of cases.

1. Award a score of 3 for hits found when searching for “[employer name] [job keyword]”
2. Award a score of 2 for hits found when search for “[employer name]” but not “[employee name] [job keyword]”
3. Award a score of 1 when no hits are found for either of previous options.

b) The “P” column scoring scale is highly customizable. This to this chapter again if you’re not sure which scale is appropriate for your search.

Step One Wrap-up: Sort LAMP List in this order

1. Motivation- largest to smallest
2. Posting- largest to smallest
3. Alumni- reverse alphabetically, or Z-A
4. Change the target’s motivation scores as desired based on job posting quality, alumni contacts, or additional research of unknown employers and sort again

Step Two: Contact- Boosters, Obligates, and Curmudgeons

Naturalize: 20 minutes

a) Identify top priority employers. Say, those in your top 5 with “N”s in the alumni column.

1. If none, proceed to next step.
2. If one or more, use the following algorithm to convert N’s into Y’s: 1) most recent alumni database 2) previous alumni databases 3) Linked In group connection or 1st or 2nd-degree connection 4) Facebook 5) Fanmail 6) Cold calls
3. Once a target is found, note source

b) Utilize emailsforcorporations.com as needed

Email: 20 minutes

a) Locate email address for most-relevant contact at each of top 5 target employers

b) Write 5-point email to each contact

Track: 10 minutes

a) Follow the 3B7 routine for top 5 target employers

1. Set 2 reminders in Outlook calendar anytime a 5-point email is set to a new contact. 1) Reminder #1 = 3 business days later AND 2) Reminder #2 = 7 business days later
2.  If a response is received before reminder #1 pops up, you likely have found a booster. Schedule an informational interview as soon as possible.
3. If no response is received before reminder #1 appears, initiate outreach to a second contact using the 3B7 routine.
4. If no response is received before reminder #2 appears, follow up with the original contact.

b) Initiate contact with new target employers beyond top 5 whenever a booster has been identified, an employer is ruled out, or time permits.

STEP 3: Recruit- Informational Interviewing

Research: 15 minutes per interview

a) Conduct external research

1. See datamonitor360 analysis when possible
2. Review positive headlines on the front page of target’s website
3. Google both interviewer and employer for any negative headlines

b) Prepare for the “Big 3”

1. “Tell me about yourself”
2. “Why are you interested in our company?”
3. “Why are you interested in our industry and/or function?”

Discuss: 30 minutes per interview

a) The 3 phases of a TIARA-framework informational interview are:

1. Small Talk
2. Questions and Answers- TIARA
3. Next Steps

b) Small Talk should occur naturally but can be induced systematically if it does not.

1. “How is your day going?”
2. “What are you working on?”
3. “What path did you follow to join your employer?”

c) TIARA is the guide for Q&A

Trends, Insights, Advice, Resources, Assignments

d) During “next steps”

1. If a referral is offered, commit and schedule yourself to follow up in two weeks.
2. If a referral is not offered, transition to 2-part informational closing

Follow up: 

a) Set monthly reminders to update those with whom you’ve conducted informational interviews

1. The first update email should recap advice given and benefits gained ending with a request for additional suggestions.
2. Subsequent updates serve primarily to update your contact on your progress and request any additional suggestions.

b) Time spent harvesting boosters will grow as progress is made but should remain minimal compared to outreach to new targets on LAMP list

c) Repeat until contacts lead to interviews and employment.

This concludes the 2-Hour Job Search.

Here’s also a good book summary with slides.

I’m setting the goal of working on my LAMP list during the month of December.

Wish me luck!

Onward!