Can Parenting Really Be Simple? Why not?

I recently finished the book Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne. I thought this was a great read. I would certainly recommend it to other parents. Of course, there are some suggestions in the book that I simply (haha) couldn’t see my family executing– like taking the TV out of our living room or removing, essentially, most of the books from my kids’ room. However, so many of the suggestions I agree with, and even those that I don’t, warrant taking a pause and thinking through what is right and best for my family, our environment, our habits.

The Simplicity Parenting website gives the following overview:

Simplicity Parenting based on the book by Kim John Payne offers a simple, orderly, and effective pathway to simplify four realms at home, which reduces stress on children and their parents, and allows room for connection, creativity, and relaxation.

These four realms for simplifying are:

1. Environment: De-cluttering too much stuff at home.
2. Rhythm: Increasing predictability by introducing rhythmic moments for connection and calm.
3. Scheduling: Soothing violent schedules brings moments for Being into all the Doing.
4. Unplugging: Reducing the influence of adult concerns, media and consumerism on children and families to increase resilience, social and emotional intelligence.

Parents who take steps along this pathway to simplify their homes and their schedules, to introduce more predictable rhythms and to filter out concerns which children are not yet able to cope with, find that their children:

• Are calmer and happier
• Do better socially and emotionally
• Are more focused at school
• Find it easier to comply with family rules
• Become less picky eaters

These parents also find that they themselves:

• Have a clearer picture of what they value as parents
• Are more united with each other in their parenting
• Have more time and energy for connection, relaxation, and fun”

At the start of his book, Payne asks us the question: Why simplify at all?

Well, he holds that kids today in our cultural context are experiencing attention issues, anxiety, and depression at higher rates because of the overwhelm in their environments. At the start of his career, he counseled children affected by warzones and violent childhood trama (children who essentially were suffering from PTSD) and later in his career was finding similar symptoms in children who came from upper-middle-class families who were not growing up in war-torn regions of the globe. In treating the kids from both contexts, he found that going through a detailed “simplifying of their world” proved very effective and reduced or prevented the need for prescription medications.

Some thought-provoking quotes for me were:

“We are building our daily lives, and our families, on the four pilars of too much: too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too much speed. With this level of busyness, distractions, time pressure, and clutter (physical and mental), children are robbed of the time and ease they need to explore their worlds and their emerging selves.”

“Our society– with its pressure of ‘too much’– is waging an undeclared war on childhood.”

“Children need experiences, not entertainment, in play. The more kids can do, see, feel, and experience for themselves in play, the more connected they will feel to the world, and the less overwhelmed. We live in an information age, where kindergarten-age children know all about the tropical rainforest. Yet have they thoroughly mucked about in their own yards and neighborhoods?”

I think about this so much at this preschool stage (especially the third quote). I feel like my kids have too much. TOO MUCH STUFF. Do my kids really need ALL THE TOYS? And I certainly prefer when their toys don’t DO any of the playing FOR them. I am that mom who ALWAYS takes out the batteries and/or keeps the toy turned off. The grandparents consistently make jokes about it but they know after I take the toy home it WILL NOT have any noises or lights anymore. For my sanity, for the kids’, and for the dogs’. Those toys have no “staying power” at our house. In his simplifying the environment chapter, Payne doesn’t list specifically what toys to have or which toys to get rid of, but he does provide this guide for parents in the simplifying process.

Avoid:

• Toys that are conceptually “fixed” toys (toys based on movie characters, etc.
• Toys that “do too much” and break too easily
• Very high-stimulation toys
• Annoying or offensive toys
• Toys you are pressured to buy
• Toys that inspire corrosive play (violent video games, etc.)
• Toy multiples (sorry, no need for 100 beanie babies)

On these points, I could not agree more.

Thought-provoking quotes continued:

“Little ones ‘graze’ on our emotions. They feed on the tone we set, the emotional climate we create.”

When I, myself, am overwhelmed, or when I am frustrated, or when I am yelling (read: fed-up and mad), I am certain it affects my kids. How could it not? I will continue to keep at the forefront of my mind that my emotions are absorbed by and then mirrored back to me in my children. It becomes cyclical, but I, as the adult, have the conscious ability to break that cycle.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“Part of an acorn’s telos, or destiny, is to become an oak. An acorn carries its telos within, from the beginning. Beyond our genetic gifts to them, beyond what they absord from us and their environment, children seem to arrive with something of their very own, a telos, or intrinsic nature.”

Having two boys only 18 months apart who are both biologically ours being raised in the same home environment, I have begun to think about this almost on a daily basis. Two kids who have so much in common, could not be more different. They are each CLEARLY their own acorn, with their own telos– or rather they might even be two entirely different seeds that will certainly flower into their own species of tree one day. I have to remember that my goal is not to make them into my tree or even into the same tree, but rather to guide them into growing into their own. This is WAY easier said than done. Every day I try– both to make them my tree and to help them become their own.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“But a half hour or an hour of quiet, restful solitary time during the day is restorative at any age, and a habit worth cultivating.”

100% agree. This used to be 100% true in our house. I want this to ALWAYS be true in our house. My only question is… HOW DO YOU MAKE THE KIDS RECOGNIZE IT’S A HABIT WORTH CULTIVATING? Currently, my kiddos are more interested in playing “jump in the leaves” in their room during afternoon nap/rest time than being quiet (or heaven forbid *** sleeping*** during their half-hour or hour of quiet).

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: the family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bedtime… Saturday pancakes.”

I know we are enjoying this part of the preschool years. Repetition is fun. Family ritual is fun. Daily-ness is fun. Common threads are simple– but not always easy (see our nightly– often failed– attempts to get everyone to sit and eat at the dinner table. Although, every now and then there is that gem of a night where the stars align and it’s… awesome!).  I wonder when the joy of repetition and simple togetherness will change. I do not welcome its demise.

However, the good news is that as I spend time with my 90+-year-old grandmother, it seems that this valuation of repetition as connection seems to come back around again if we are lucky enough to live that long, or wise enough to not forget it.

So, maybe Saturday pancakes and nature walks will always be the key to connection.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“After all, it’s not just what you make of your time, it’s whether you have the time to make it your own.”

Well, for me at least, doesn’t it all just boil down to this one sentence. Time is all we have. We can’t save it. We can’t make more of it. If I want to teach my kids anything about time, it’s that they should make it their own.

In the last chapters of his book, Payne discusses the vital need for parents to function as a secure home-base for their kids as they grow, rather than the “helicopter” parent with which we are so familiar. He goes on to give advice regarding how to achieve this mindset given that parents often have their own anxieties and needs for their kids to become something, succeed at something, achieve something. His last suggestion, which I’ll quote below, is a habit I would live to cultivate in myself before coming obsessively involved in the trajectory of my kids’ lives:

“My last suggestions for backing off from overinvolvement is a simple one. I’ve seen it make a profound difference, however, in some parents’ attitudes, and the emotional climate of their parenting. It is a meditation, a mental exercise for the end of the day that will take just a minute or two. Before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that mean something to you. This simple exercise is like a spritual corrective lense. In your vision of your kids it helps restore the prominance of ‘who are they’ over ‘what they need to do’ or ‘what they need to work on’.”

I want my kids to have a childhood full of the dailiness of simply being a kid so that they can grow into who they themselves can be. I want to cultivate and remember who they are, their telos. Payne encourages visualization as a key habit in simplicity parenting and this seems like a simple and great place to start.

I don’t know what this simple, dailiness of being a kid will look like as my boys get older and we have to consider more often balancing their schedule and all the activities that may infiltrate our days.

BUT… I can say, at this pre-school stage, it will mean fewer toys, less TV (our kids don’t interact with other screens), more focused family time, continued family dinners, and more unstructured outside time.

Today we basically spent the entire afternoon outside in the front and backyards and then cooked dinner over a backyard fire. It was a great day and the boys fell asleep (relatively) simply after a few bedtime books and creative stories.

However… Winter is coming… and Christmas is on the horizon. Time to cull some more toys. It should be simple, right?

Can it really ONLY take 2 hours?

I recently read The 2 Hour Job Search: Using Technology to Make Real-World Connections and Get the Right Job FASTER by Steve Dalton, Senior Career Consultant and Associate Director at Duke University’s Fuqua Business School.

It’s a very process-focused, detail-oriented approach to finding your next job using technology: excel spreadsheets, Linked-in, Indeed.com, email, online alumni databases, Facebook, Google searches, Outlook/Google calendar.

The basic message of the book is that technology, specifically the online job posting and digital applications/resume submissions, has made finding jobs infinitely easier. However, at the same time, that same technology has made getting your application/resume seen and then receiving an interview infinitely more challenging. Dalton holds that the key to success in a job search lies in harnessing technology to find and cultivate advocates working in fields of interest to you or at your desired companies. He calls these people “boosters.” Essentially, boosters help give you information about the company, provide insight into current trends in the field, and (hopefully) will serve as a direct connection/reference when you apply for the right position in that field/company.

Here’s my notes from the “quick start guide” at the closing of the book:

Step One: Prioritize. The LAMP Method (making your spreadsheet)

List column: 40 minutes total. 4 approaches X 10 minutes per.

a) Dream Employer Approach:

1. Type any dream employers that come to mind in the “L” column of your spreadsheet.
2. Determine common traits shared by your dream employers and log employers who similarly meet those criteria

b) Alumni Approach:

1. Search alumni databases for organizations where alumni hold interesting job titles in interesting locations.

c) Posting Approach:

1. Search indeed.com for organizations with currently available job postings of interest to you.

d) Trend Following Approach:

1. Google trends in industries or functions of interests such as “marketing trends” for employer ideas.

Alumni Column: 10 minutes

a) Search your most recent alumni database for alumni at each employer in the “L” column.

b) Note only “Y” for yes and “N” for no in the “A” column. Do not copy contact information at this time.

Motivation Column: 5 minutes

a) Assign target employers in the “L” column a qualitative score of 1-5. Assessing your motivation to approach each.

1. Award a score of 5 to targets you find most motivating, “dream employers.”
2. Award a score of 2 to targets you are familiar with but find least motivating.
3. Award a score of 1 to targets you are completely unfamiliar with.

Posting Column: 15 minutes

a) Using indeed.com, classify current hiring activity. A 1-3 scale should work in a majority of cases.

1. Award a score of 3 for hits found when searching for “[employer name] [job keyword]”
2. Award a score of 2 for hits found when search for “[employer name]” but not “[employee name] [job keyword]”
3. Award a score of 1 when no hits are found for either of previous options.

b) The “P” column scoring scale is highly customizable. This to this chapter again if you’re not sure which scale is appropriate for your search.

Step One Wrap-up: Sort LAMP List in this order

1. Motivation- largest to smallest
2. Posting- largest to smallest
3. Alumni- reverse alphabetically, or Z-A
4. Change the target’s motivation scores as desired based on job posting quality, alumni contacts, or additional research of unknown employers and sort again

Step Two: Contact- Boosters, Obligates, and Curmudgeons

Naturalize: 20 minutes

a) Identify top priority employers. Say, those in your top 5 with “N”s in the alumni column.

1. If none, proceed to next step.
2. If one or more, use the following algorithm to convert N’s into Y’s: 1) most recent alumni database 2) previous alumni databases 3) Linked In group connection or 1st or 2nd-degree connection 4) Facebook 5) Fanmail 6) Cold calls
3. Once a target is found, note source

b) Utilize emailsforcorporations.com as needed

Email: 20 minutes

a) Locate email address for most-relevant contact at each of top 5 target employers

b) Write 5-point email to each contact

Track: 10 minutes

a) Follow the 3B7 routine for top 5 target employers

1. Set 2 reminders in Outlook calendar anytime a 5-point email is set to a new contact. 1) Reminder #1 = 3 business days later AND 2) Reminder #2 = 7 business days later
2.  If a response is received before reminder #1 pops up, you likely have found a booster. Schedule an informational interview as soon as possible.
3. If no response is received before reminder #1 appears, initiate outreach to a second contact using the 3B7 routine.
4. If no response is received before reminder #2 appears, follow up with the original contact.

b) Initiate contact with new target employers beyond top 5 whenever a booster has been identified, an employer is ruled out, or time permits.

STEP 3: Recruit- Informational Interviewing

Research: 15 minutes per interview

a) Conduct external research

1. See datamonitor360 analysis when possible
2. Review positive headlines on the front page of target’s website
3. Google both interviewer and employer for any negative headlines

b) Prepare for the “Big 3”

1. “Tell me about yourself”
2. “Why are you interested in our company?”
3. “Why are you interested in our industry and/or function?”

Discuss: 30 minutes per interview

a) The 3 phases of a TIARA-framework informational interview are:

1. Small Talk
2. Questions and Answers- TIARA
3. Next Steps

b) Small Talk should occur naturally but can be induced systematically if it does not.

1. “How is your day going?”
2. “What are you working on?”
3. “What path did you follow to join your employer?”

c) TIARA is the guide for Q&A

Trends, Insights, Advice, Resources, Assignments

d) During “next steps”

1. If a referral is offered, commit and schedule yourself to follow up in two weeks.
2. If a referral is not offered, transition to 2-part informational closing

Follow up: 

a) Set monthly reminders to update those with whom you’ve conducted informational interviews

1. The first update email should recap advice given and benefits gained ending with a request for additional suggestions.
2. Subsequent updates serve primarily to update your contact on your progress and request any additional suggestions.

b) Time spent harvesting boosters will grow as progress is made but should remain minimal compared to outreach to new targets on LAMP list

c) Repeat until contacts lead to interviews and employment.

This concludes the 2-Hour Job Search.

Here’s also a good book summary with slides.

I’m setting the goal of working on my LAMP list during the month of December.

Wish me luck!

Onward!

 

Midlife? It’s looking good!

I recently listened to Barbara Bradley Hagerty‘s book Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, And Opportunity of Midlife. I picked up this book at the Charlotte Mecklenburg Library for a couple reasons:

1. It was there.
2. I’m 35. Midlife looks like it could be starting soon despite the fact that sometimes, in many ways, I still feel like I’m 20.
3. I figured a study of midlife completed by a former NPR reporter would be interesting, well-researched, and well- recorded. Spoiler: It was!
4. I thought it might bring me some insight into my parents’ and inlaws’ life transitions in their 60s and my grandmothers’ in their 90s.
5. One of the reasons I left my job was because I didn’t want to autopilot through the next 10-15 years of my career. Turns out the idea of autopilot and its negative effects on midlife/end-of-life is central to this book.
6. I believe that the positive habits and the ruts from bad ones that I create in my 30s and 40s will bring into sharp relief what my life, health, wealth, and relationships will look like in the second half of my life. Turns out this idea is supported in the research on midlife.

Hagerty writes this book through the lens of her own midlife experiences and curiosities which creates a personal narrative that the reader can follow throughout. She also weaves together her personal story with many, many studies of and much research on midlife as well as other’s personal experiences and anecdotes. I found the combination very interesting and compelling. It wasn’t dry facts, stats, studies nor was it simply one woman’s personal story. However, this combination also produced a dense, multifaceted book that sometimes challenged me to remember what she was talking about in earlier chapters. At the end of the book, Hagerty tried to tie it all back together in what she calls her “16 suggestions for a meaningful midlife”

On Aging Well:

• If you feel midlife blues, remember everyone else does, too. Your most joyous years are ahead of you.
• Aim for meaning and not happiness and you will find both.
• Ask yourself regularly, “How will I use these glory days for the best purpose?”
• The middle-age brain is a thing of wonder. it can learn any new trick if you challenge it.

On Living Exuberantly:

• At every stage of life, you should be a rookie at something.
• Midlife can be like Kansas: long and flat. Creating a goal will energize your days.

On The Power of Thought:

• It’s harder to hurt when you’re laughing.
• Take trouble in stride. A few setbacks are just what the doctor ordered.
• Watch your thoughts. Your thinking shapes your experience.

On Doing Good Work:

• If possible, go for Plan A and it’s possible more often than not.
• Pivoting on your strengths beats starting from scratch.
• Redefine success according to your values not those of the rest of the world.

On Choosing What Matters Most:

• Pay attention. The biggest threat to a seasoned marriage is mutual neglect. Do you value that relationship?
• It’s dangerous at the periphery.
• Happiness is love. Full stop.

Here are a couple of salient quotes that I noted down while listening to the audiobook:

“Turns out we’re hardwired for connection”

“Lonely people were not faking their symptoms. Their own bodies were reacting to loneliness at a cellular level, trying to nudge them to make friends and get back into the warm, safe center of the herd.”

 

“The men and women who scored highest on conscientiousness– that is, who control their impulses, who were dependable and goal-oriented– had 89% lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s than the least conscientious people.”

“Develop thought patterns, particularly purpose in life, now, in one’s 40s, 50s, and 60s. Find purpose beyond your career– because you will one day retire.”

“In fact, people with little purpose were two and a half times more likely to develop dementia than those with a mission.”

 

Every idea in this book runs against our natural tendency to want to relax, take it easy, reward ourselves for decades of work and childrearing. Our default mode at midlife is entropy. The default is not destiny, and on this, the research is unequivocal: for every fork in the road, you are almost invariably better off making the harder choice. Harder in the moment, that is, but easier over the years, as your body and mind remain strong. By resisting entropy, but pushing through the inertia that beckons us to rest a little longer, to slow down just a notch, until your life has narrowed to a pinprick– by resisting those forces you dramatically up the odds that your life will be rich to your final breath, deeply entwined with family and friends, engaged in intellectual pursuits, and infused with a purpose that extends beyond yourself. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is worth it.”

Bottom line? Push through. Stay active. Stay engaged. Onward.