If Time is Money, Then Living 24/6 May Be Priceless.

I recently read 24/6 The Power of Unplugging One Day A Week by Tiffany Shlain and in response, I simply have to try the one-day-a-week unplug that she touts so highly. I’m 100% ready to say NO to screens, no to cell phones, no to digital technology, no to social media, no to google maps, no to texts, no to emails etc. for one full day each week… AND… YES to records, yes to CDs, yes to real paper books, yes to getting outdoors, yes to cooking at home, yes to bike riding, yes to overlooked hobbies, yes to spending time being 100% present and engaged with the people I love who are right in front of me.

In the opening of the book, Shlain traces the roots of the concept of a day of rest starting with the 4th of the 10 commandments (“remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy”) and then moves through history to the Industrial Revolution and the labor unions’ struggles to create rest through their fight for the 40-hour week. For me, this desire to have a day focused on elevating rest and savoring time off (be it off from work, technology, phones, screens, etc.) stems from my understanding of what it means to be successful in life: To me, success is getting to decide how I spend my time. I think that Shlain would agree with this idea as she quotes the Unitarian minister Ana Levy-Lyons who writes,

“…this is where Heschel  and Karl Marx overlap: ‘time is the ultimate form of human wealth on this earth. Without time, all other forms of wealth are meaningless. It is this insight about time– patently obvious but frequently forgotten– that makes keeping a Sabbath day both spiritually profound and politically radical. To reclaim time is to be rich.” (Ana Levy-Lyons, “Sabbath Practice as Political Resistance: Building the Religious Counterculture,” Tikkun 27, no. 5 (2012): 16-67.

Shlain calls this 24/6 practice her and her family’s “tech Shabbat” as they kick off their 24 hours of unplugging tying into their Jewish custom of Friday night Shabbat dinner. Her family has been doing this for more than 10 years and her teenage daughters have come to love and look forward to Friday nights and the following tech-free Saturday. The tech-ban doesn’t extend to all technology, as one might expect in an Orthodox Jewish community. Instead, her family is focused on a digital, plugged-in, on-line, connected to work and social networks, screen ban. With these 24 hours off from technology and screens, she finds:

More presence, more appreciating, more compassion, more laughing, more dancing, more making… more eye contact, more hugs, more daydreaming, more silence, more eating together at the table, more reading, more journaling, more taking a beat, more thinking in slow motion, more rituals, more nature, more getting lost, more rest and digest, more tend and befriend, more empathy, more joy, more authentic connecting, more looking up, more love.”

Doesn’t that just sound like bliss?

Let’s do it!

In preparing for my own personal version of living 24/6, Shlain encourages me to think about the following:

“What brings you joy? Think about all the (screen-free) activities you enjoy doing that you just don’t do enough.”

Here are some of my thoughts:

It brings me joy to spend time…

• with my kids
• with my husband
• learning
• going to lectures, museums, libraries
• at church with my family
• riding bikes around town
• hiking at local State Parks
• playing frisbee golf at local courses
• reading
• going to the farmers market
• having a picnic
• playing piano
• listening to records & my collection of CDs
• writing letters
• exploring parts of our town (surrounding towns, CLT) that we don’t frequent or know especially well
• napping
• volunteering
• walking the dog
• starting a book club
• taking exercise classes
• playing board games
• doing puzzles
• keeping gratitude journal
• writing
• outside in nature
• watching my kids play at the park
• eating good food
• drinking bubbly water and/or having a drink with my husband and/or friends
• laughing with my friends
• traveling to places I love and/or new places I’ve never been

“Consider your own tradition or history. What foods or practices from your childhood, family, faith, or culture would make the day more meaningful for you?”

Here are some of my thoughts:

• We do a Friday night pizza and movie night which is a tradition I’d like to keep. So probably Friday night won’t be our starting point our tech-turn-off 24 hours.
• We prioritize dinner together not only with our family of four but also with my mom and grandma one night a week and my husband’s mom and dad one night a week.
• We don’t have a hard and fast rule of no phones at dinner, but that’s an easy one to implement.

“Consider your intentions. What qualities do you want to develop? Empathy, patience, creativity, curiosity, self-control, humor, optimism, gratitude? What habits do you want to break? How do you want to feel when the day is over?”

Here are my thoughts:

• I want to spend more time together with my family, not next to my family with our minds (often mindlessly) engaged in other things.
• I want to laugh more… I don’t laugh a lot looking at my phone.
• I want to be more patient and kind with my children in times of stress.
• I want to enjoy the beautiful NC weather in all seasons.
• I want to connect through writing (letters, postcards, thank-you notes) and less through text and posts.
• I want to have increased self-control and not look at my phone just because I have a moment of boredom and that is a knee-jerk reaction bad habit.

“Identify your barriers. What are your (or your partner’s or kids’) habits around screens that you most struggle with? What’s going to be the hardest part about giving up screens for a full day? What, if anything, do you fear will happen (or not happen)? Are you ready for this?”

Here are some of mine:

• Checking the phone first thing in the morning.
• Checking the phone as a default any time you are waiting or not doing something else.
• Watching TV routinely as a default in the evening.
• Too much purposeless time on social media.
• Bringing a laptop or smartphone into bed.
• Morning TV watching for kids so I can get ALL THE MORNING THINGS done.
• I LOVE all the library apps on my phone and find reading digitally has become much easier than reading paper books.
• Looking at my phone the last thing at night (usually reading).

“Check in on your current screen use and time online. How many screens do you have in your house? How often do you think you’re on at least one screen every day? Every week? Consider actually tracking your screen time, either with an app, on a spreadsheet, or through non-digital means. What aspects of your screen use worry you? When is the first time you check your phone in the morning? What is the longest amount of time you can remember being away from at least one screen? When was the last time you went a whole day without screens?”

Here’s what my data reveals:

• I use Instagram too much.
• I read a lot on my phone.
• We want to use our bedroom TV less or at least purposefully and strategically and not just out of habit and routine. I don’t want TVs in my kids’ room EVER. My mom was that mom, and I am too, apparently.

“Focus on the bigger picture. How is unplugging regularly good for society? How can you be part of this process? How has your concept of ‘rest’ changed throughout your life? Is it something that you want more or less than you used to? Think about how you want to be remembered, and start living that life.”

“How to prepare. A little thinking ahead will help you get more out of the day.” Do you need to print out a schedule for the day so you don’t have to access your Google calendar? Do you need to set an email away message for work? Have key phone numbers posted by your landline so you don’t have to access your iPhone contacts list? Do you need to have a landline installed?

Here are my thoughts:

• Maybe we need a landline. My husband and I have talked about this before but from the perspective of delaying the pressure of giving our kids cell phones but allowing them a way to be in touch with friends— after teaching high school for 12 years I completely acknowledge how antiquated this sounds. Despite my previous interest, I am hesitant to go the direction of installing a landline before making this Tech Shabbat a personal and family habit first. Feels like we need the horse and the cart in the right order.
• I want to make a list of important phone numbers for the fridge anyway for the boys and our babysitters. Now I have added motivation.
• I have a weekly paper calendar that I use to try to list my top 3-5 goals for the day. I can utilize this to keep a rough sketch for whatever we choose for our unplugged day.
• I’m unlikely to give up using Google Calendar as the main hub for how I keep track of our schedule and my reminders– it’s just too handy and doesn’t suck that much technology time (tracking my screen usage confirms this)
• I might delete the Instagram app. That does suck too much technology time (and tracking my screen usage confirms this, too. Ugggh. So basic.)

“Plan your first Tech Shabbat. Look at your calendar and determine what weekend day (or weekday) you’re going to start. Mark down several weeks in a row. The power and beauty of this practice come with its regularity. in time you will look forward to it each week. Look at the list of things you want to do more of. Plan to fill your screen-free day with activities from that list. You can even print the list, post it on your fridge, and reference it throughout the day. Or fill the day with doing nothing, if that’s what you need and want. Invite anyone you want to join you for a meal, an activity, or the whole day. Print out phone numbers (key friends, family, and emergency numbers) or other important information you may typically look up on your phone. Pring any maps you may need to travel to a new place. Get a landline. you can get one for as little as $20/month. Tell people in your life (family, friends, coworkers, boss) you’re planning to do this. Don’t come from a place of apology, but a place of strength and excitement. If they express concern or curiosity, invite them to a Tech Shabbat dinner so they can experience it with you.”

Here’s my thoughts:

• Saturday morning- Sunday morning?
• Saturday morning no cartoons, yes breakfast and library/farmers market/parks/greenways/museums/etc
• Saturday afternoons reading/boardgames/yardwork/playdates/etc.
• Saturday evening includes a special dinner with candles and guests optional

“Reflect on your first Tech Shabbat and make adjustments. What was your experience like? How did it feel? Did you notice any physical, emotional, or mental changes? What were they? What worked for you? What was the hardest part? What was the best part? What, if anything, surprised you? What would you change next time? Is there anyone else you want to bring along next time? How will you use screens differently this week?

To keep these 24/1 unplugged benefits going through the other 24/6 tech-filled days, Shlain encourages us to think about

• “Screen useEstablish guidelines for when/where screens can be used.
  • Put a small notebook in your bag with a pen you love. This way you don’t have to pull out your phone if you want to jot something down.
  • Use the feature on your phone to set limits on your screen/social media use
  • Set a text auto-response from your phone when you’re offline to let people. know you’re unavailable. for example: “I have my phone off to rebalance my mind. I will write to you when I’m back refreshed.”
  • Set aside time each day to let your mind wander: while taking a shower, doing dishes, walking, exercising. try not to fill those time with talking on the phone or listening to podcasts.
  • Wait until 8th to get kids a smartphone. If your kid needs one before then, consider a simpler model with no or limited internet.
  • Check out smartphone contracts by Janell Burley Hofmann or Dr. Delaney Ruston.
  • Revisit contract every 6 months or as new developments, needs, interests arise
• Rest, Silence, and StillnessGet an old-fashioned alarm block for your room so you don’t use your phone to wake up.
  • Don’t look at screens for at least 30 minutes after you wake up. Try journaling instead.
  • Establish periods of quiet rest throughout the say– leave your phone behind and go for a walk, write in a journal instead of scrolling your phone. Create space for your mind to wander. two hours a day of silence is recommended.
  • Make a list of your favorite places in nature that are close that you want to visit more often. Go.
  • Go somewhere without Wi-Fi for the day or longer.
  • Don’t let screens be the last thing you do before you sleep. The blue light can interfere with sleep onset. Read a book or magazine instead.
• Exits and EntrancesStart paying attention to what you’re doing when you arrive or leave a space.
  • Finish calls before you enter a room.
  • Try the thirty-second hug.
  • Try the ten-second doorknob countdown
  • Before texting someone (during the workday in particular), remember it takes twenty-three minutes to return focus after each interruption. Could this be addressed later?
  • With kids, practice “the entrance” of how to answer the landline: “Hello, XY residence.”
• Empathy and Eye ContactMake eye contact and say hello, good morning, etc. to five new people every day.
  • Get to know the names of people you interact with regularly but whose name you may not know– at work, at your favorite cafe, at the gym, at the library, at school drop-off or pick-up.
  • Forgive someone.
  • Give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Write a list of people you would like to get to know better and why. Invite them to your next Tech Shabbat meal.
• Social Media UseTurn off all social media and app notifications on your phone so it’s not constantly asking for your attention. You choose when to check-in.
  • Adopt a social media strategy. Ask yourself, Why am I on social media right now? Is it for work or for school? For news? It is to connect with family and friends? Who am I following and why? Remember, your feeds are shaping your thoughts and mind.
  • Take a beat before posting. Is what you’re about to post authentic? Is this something you want to broadcast to everyone who follows you? Is this information best-communicated face-to-face with close friends and family, or on a call, or in an email or text?
  • Take a social media sabbatical. Taking an occasional week off can be great for your schedule as well as your soul. Take stock of how you feel afterward.
• GratitudeKeep stack of thank-you notes and stamps in your bag so you can write and send one any time you think about it.
  • Write a letter of appreciation and send it to a friend, teacher, or mentor.
  • Keep a gratitude notepad with you so you can reach for that instead of your phone when you are waiting somewhere.
  • Start The Five-Minute Journal or an appreciation journal.
  • If you have a hard time going to sleep at night, think of three things you are grateful for when you close your eyes.”

 

Time to set a date and give it a try.

Time to disconnect in order to reconnect. I want to do this for ME and for MY FAMILY in equal measure.

The time is NOW to set up habits and patterns as a family.

Time to prioritize how I spend my time and how we spend time together.

After all, “to reclaim time is to be rich.” (Ana Levy-Lyons)

So, let’s DO THIS!

 

 

 

 

Other resources to explore in this journey:

• 24SixLife.com
• AwayForTheDay.org
• Center for Humane Technology
• Center on Media and Child Health
• CommonSenseMedia.org
• DigitalWellnessCollective.com
• Family Online Safety Institute
• NationalDayOfUnplugging.com
• ScreenSense.org
• WaitUntil8th.org

 

Why do I practice mindfulness? Because I’m an orange.

I had been toying with the idea of meditating for a couple years now. I suppose the reason it took me so long to stop thinking about it and start doing it was due to the fact that I didn’t concretely see what the benefit would be. It seemed silly to me to spend 10 minutes a day sitting still with my eyes closed in order to…? What? Despite having read various books and studies that tout its benefits, it was hard for me to understand mindful meditation because it was only theoretical for me.

For me, mindful meditation is something that you have to do in order to understand.

For me, you can’t understand it and then do it.

Through mindful meditation, I have also come to learn that what Hunter Clarke-Fields says is true. I am an orange. If I am not mindful of my inner voice, my self-talk, and my thoughts, then I can never control what comes out of me when I’m squeezed under pressure. If I truly want to choose silliness, kindness, and peace in moments of parenting insanity, then I must take time out of each day to purposefully fill my orange or at least rid my mind of my self-doubt and self-criticism about parenting. Keeping those thoughts around only ensures that my juice will be sour. I’m not a super sweet person by nature but I certainly love the idea of having the gut-reaction of “be kind” in response to a toddler tantrum instead of my usual frustration and sometimes anger– those aren’t good for my kids and it only serves to increase my self-criticism and my inner narrative that I can’t keep control of things in my own house… and it absolutely does not make me feel good after things calm down.

I found Hunter Clarke-Fields’ book Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids and picked it up hoping it could help me meld my New Year intention to be a meditator with my 4+year journey into learning to be a better parent. It was was a great read to help bring mindfulness to my often erratic and reactive parenting.

She also has a Mindful Mama Podcast that, if I were into podcasts, I’d check out, too.

Practicing mindful meditation is an exercise like any other. It is as essential as doing my training runs before running a race or as key as maintaining a consistent yoga practice for my strength and flexibility. I must also work out, exercise, train my mindfulness muscles in order to be a healthier person with healthier relationships.

This same mindfulness muscle is needed to remain mindful in the heat of the parenting chaos. If I haven’t strengthened those mindful meditation muscles I quite literally cannot tap into the knowledge I have worked hard to acquire on best parenting practices. When my younger kid smacks his older brother in the face my blood boils and if I haven’t done my meditation work out that day– or the day before– I am physically incapable of controlling my temper, taking a pause, and choosing kindness and peacefulness in my reaction.

When I’m struggling with my own rage, frustration, and helplessness, I am useless and powerless to help my kids process their own. Clarke-Fields offers this RAIN method for a mindful path through difficult feelings:

Recognize — She suggests using the “I am feeling ____” instead of “I am _____.” This helps you feel the feeling, which means it will pass through you, instead of being the feeling, which makes it seem like more a part of your identity.

Allow or accept– it’s ok to feel this way. You don’t need to act on it. Sometimes allowing the feeling and choosing not to act on it will help it pass through you.

Investigate– What does this feel like? What thoughts come up? Are they true? Where did this come from? I often feel the hopelessness that our house will ALWAYS be filled with boys biting, hitting, or yelling at each other. If I take a moment to investigate this feeling, I can rationally realize that it is NOT true. So much of our day together is not sibling rivalry chaos. Much of it is fun and silly and full of love for each other or quite simply there’s also lots of individual play where they aren’t even noticing each other.

Nurture– With compassion. Ask, “How would someone you love or admire be treating you as you go through this?” This is so key for me. Again, it takes me out of my head, which probably at that moment is filled with high emotions. I can quickly gain perspective for myself. And for my kids, when they are highly reactive and stuck in a tough moment this tactic helps me to not take it personally. I can think how would their teacher at school help them work through this moment and I can assume that role for them– in addition to the mom role where we get to have all the sweet hugs after the chaos.

Unfortunately but honestly, anger is a feeling I often encounter in this parenting journey. Basic psychology will tell you that anger is usually masking fear. So, in order to both deal with my anger/fear and to teach my kids not to react with anger when they are fearful of something, I need to first notice my anger and not judge it (because that’s when I really start to spiral down into shame), but then dig a bit deeper to determine what fear this anger is masking. Clarke-Fields suggests practicing  TIPI (Technique d’Identification des Peurs Inconscientes)  or in English “Technique to Identify Subconscious Fears.” Follow these simple steps:

1. Close your eyes
2. Pay attention to 2 or 3 physical sensations in your body. Mentally label or note the sensations to keep your mind fully present.
3. Let those sensations evolve, continuing to note them. Breathe.
4. Observe with curiosity and without interfering or trying to understand or control. Simply notice the sensation until your body restores a state of calmness.

I also recognize that, for me, anger is a quick, gut-reaction that occurs when I am triggered. Clarke-Fields asks parents to consciously inventory and then be mindful of their triggers. If we are aware of the triggers we can minimize their power over our reactions.

What are my triggers?

• Not being listened to. Being ignored.
• When my kids hurt each other physically.
• When I’m trying to do something and I just “can’t get anything done!”
• When I feel like I can’t stop something from happening and it all feels out of control. <– THIS! As an enneagram 8, this feeling of being out of control is a HUGE trigger for me.

When I am triggered my initial reaction is often anger and yelling. I think this will help me restore order. Clarke-Fields also asks parents to inventory and be mindful of what you would like to change about your parenting behavior. 100% I want to yell less. I don’t want to be that mom who yells at her kids every day and I don’t want that to be what they remember most about my discipline during their childhood.

“Anger is energy that needs to move through our body, so we can mindfully notice the feeling arise and let the energy of anger move through us.”

We need to “take care of our anger” = we release the energy of anger & calm down our nervous system.

So, this next exercise is pretty handy. It’s literally called the “Create Your Yell-Less Plan.” I’m not kidding. That is the name of the plan and it’s as if Clarke-Fields was inside my brain (or just inside my home on a regular basis) when she decided to title it that. This gives me hope. Clearly, other parents struggle with yelling as a reaction to their triggers, too. I’m not alone in this.

Here is her suggested plan:

• Talk Yourself Down. Tell yourself you’re safe: “This is NOT an emergency. I CAN handle this.”
• Adopt A Mantra to maintain perspective and repeat it to yourself when you’re fed up and feel like you’re going to explode:
  • “He’s only two. He’s only two.”
  • “I don’t have to win.”
  • “Choose love. Choose kindness. Choose peace.”
• Create A Mantra for yourself and remind yourself that you can MAKE THE CHOICE to REMAIN CALM
  • “Still water”
  • “I choose peace”
  • “Relax. Release. Smile.”
  • “Just be kind.”
  • “This will pass. Breathe.”
  • “When kids start yelling, I get calmer.”
• Take A Break. Find a “safe spot” for your kids and walk away for a few minutes.
• 5-8 Breathing. Breathe in for 5-count. Breathe out for 8-count. Repeat.
• Sigh it out. Repeat 5-6 times. This promotes relaxation.
• Mindful Walking. Slowly, deliberately.  Breathe and let go of anger and frustration. Step one foot down and breathe in, place the other foot down and breathe out. Repeat.
• Think Like A Teacher. Don’t take misbehavior personally. Instead ask: “What does my child need to learn and how can I teach him that?”
• Whisper Instead. It’s almost impossible to sound angry and it might bring some humor.
• Use A Funny Voice. Be a robot or Eeyore. Inject humor into the moment. It’s hard to be angry when laughing.
• Tense and Release Your Muscles. Work the anger out through your body, not your voice.
• Strike a Pose. Drop into forward fold or another calming, centering yoga pose.
• Wait. Wait 10 minutes or 24 hours before addressing the issue. It’s fine to come back and talk to your child later about appropriate language and behavior– when you are using appropriate language and behavior.
• Ask For Help. Ask for another adult to give you a break and talk to the child. Have the child explain to the adult that happened.

I am often short on patience and a good way for me to tap into more reserves of patience is to tap into empathy.

Empathy is our parenting superpower. It’s the skill that will help our children achieve the holy grail of their own emotional regulation. When we can sense what our children are feeling and experiencing– and be present with them– we are building connection and attunement.” p. 63

Connecting and communicating with my kids are of the utmost importance to me. I want them to be good communicators with me and use what they’ve learned at home to be good communicators with others out in the world. Therefore, I have to be mindful of how I communicate with them.

If this is my goal, then I have to minimize my use of “communication barriers” which may seem to work in the moment of parenting chaos, but, in reality, only serve to shut down building sincere, open communication habits with my kids. These “communication barriers” are:

• ordering
• threatening
• advising/offering solutions
• blaming
• name-calling/judging
• dismissing

Instead, I will strive to share my feelings of frustration, hurt, and anger with my kids by using “I-Messages” to help them remember that we are part of a family, a team, and our actions and words have an impact on the other people in our family. Kids need to learn that they play an important role in the family and need to pay attention to meeting the needs of other people in the family not just to get their own needs met. I want to shape their behavior by building their empathy and concern for the other people on our team. I don’t want their cooperation because they are rotely complying, because they are fearful, or because they are feeling defeated and powerless themselves.

What’s an “I-Message”? Glad you asked! An I-Message is a statement that helps kids see how they can help you get your needs met. Moms and dads have needs in addition to kids. Ignoring our needs can be what leads to familial conflict. It also helps them consider how their actions affect others. Here’s how it works:

1. Describe the behavior: “Your hair isn’t brushed.” OR “Your hair is a mess.”
2. Describe a specific, tangible effect: costs time, money, energy, prevents you from doing something you want or need to do, upsets your body or senses
3. Share your feelings

Here are some I-Message examples:

• Instead of “Don’t kick me!” –> “Ouch! That really hurts me. I don’t want to be kicked!”
• Instead of “Put your toys away” –> “With your toys all over, I feel annoyed and it’s hard to enjoy our time together.” OR “I feel disappointed when I see a big mess.”
• Instead of “Stop yelling” –> “When you yell, I can’t hear anything and feel grumpy and frustrated.”
• Instead of “You are such a good boy helping mommy”–> I feel good when I see you helping to ______.”

I like order in the house. I like things to feel under control. (Again, hello, Enneagram 8). So, I often hear myself barking orders at my kids. Sometimes it’s successful but even when it is, it often leaves me feeling awful for having ordered my kids around. Next time I start barking, I need to be mindful of my barking, notice it and try a new tactic. Clarke-Fields suggests instead of barking orders to “be silly to set limits”:

• Get into character. Special agent mom, alien who needs kids to explain rules, robot voice, cowboy voice, etc.
• Become contrary. “Please don’t get in the tub. You’re using soap? Nooooo! Ewwww!” This shifts the power struggle.
• Use silly language or silly songs. “The shoes, the shoes, it’s time to put on the shoes!” or “oh my darling, oh my darling, oh it’s really time to go” (to the tune of My Darling Clementine)
• Tell a crazy story. “Did I ever tell you about the little blue cat who didn’t stay beside his mommy in the parking lot?”
• Become incompetent. “Oh no! I forgot how to leave this park. Help!” or “Time to brush your teeth! Wait, where are your teeth? Are they here? (brushing elbow)”

My husband is so much better at this silliness than I am. I’m so endlessly grateful for a partner that can shift the energy and be that mindful voice for me when I’m not noticing the power struggle rut I’m stuck in with the boys.

I am not always a good parent. I am reactive and I get it wrong a lot of the time. However, I hope my kids will see my humility, my unending love for them, and my deep desire to do and be better. I am consistently admitting to them when I’ve made a mistake, asking them for forgiveness and for the chance to start over and try again. For me, this mindful parenting journey is not about perfection but rather about striving.

As the Buddha said:

“Improve your character through mindful striving. Or let your character worsen through negligence and obliviousness.”

I choose mindful striving every time.