Notes on 14 Convos by 14 (Future Research For Talking With My 4-Year-Old)

I recently read Fourteen Talks by the Age of 14: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School by Michelle Icard. While much of this doesn’t apply to my pre school kiddos, I always love a look at what’s to come.

I’ve compiled some notes below and FYI have taken Icard’s words from her books. These are all her ideas and in almost all cases her exact words. Read her book for more detail. For your free copy of the first chapter (loaded with so much good information) go to www.parenting-toolbox.com

Or if listening is your thing, here’s a bunch of podcasts with her as a guest.

A BRIEF Model for Conversations

B= Begin Peacefully

Here are some ways to begin peacefully and open up conversation with your kid:

• Start with an unemotional observation “So, it looks like report cards came out- I saw your grades weren’t as we expected.”
• Start by asking if your kid can explain things to you: “Your grades are different from what I expected. Are they what you expected? Is there anything you need to tell me?”
• Make a scheduling request so your kid doesn’t feel caught off guard: “Report cards came out today and I think we should debrief. Is before or after dinner better for you?”
• “Start peacefully and then be quiet and wait for your child to fill the space”

R= Relate to Your Kid

Here are some ways to relate to your kid so that he will listen to the rest of the convo:

• “It’s tough when you finally have to be honest, but I find it always feels better to stop hiding things from people who want to help us.”
• “This is hard. I’m sure you feel a bunch of emotions right now. Don’t worry. Together we can figure out where to go from here.”
• “I remember times when my grades dipped and if felt awful to get behind. It will take some hard work to pull your grades back up, but with focus and support you can do it.”

I= Interview to Collect Data

Here is where you get a better understanding of your kid’s version of the truth. He’s more likely to be honest with you if you’re setting yourself up to be an ally or at least an empathetic authority.

This is not a time to catch your kid in a lie or to build up questioning to prove your own point right.

This is a neutral fact-finding mission.

E= Echo What You’re Hearing

The echo step of the conversation is part validation, helping to pry open your kid’s min to hearing your suggestions (or requirements) in the next stage, and part comprehension check, making sure you’ve got the facts straight.

Try these:

• “It sounds like…” or “I’m hearing…”: “It sounds like you had an idea your grades were slipping, but felt like you could handle it on your own.”
• Summarize key facts: “Okay, so you though your grades were still on track and this comes as a surprise to you, too.”
• Use their words in a question: “Am I right that you feel like this is mostly the teacher’s fault?”

F= Feedback

The Feedback step is where you get to finally offer suggestions, guidance, or make new rules if yo need a firmer resolution.

Feedback should relate directly to the problem you’ve uncovered through interviewing and echoing. Do not pile on other problems you’ve been having with your child or escalate the argument.

Feedback might sound like:

• Summarize key downfall and state how to avoid it next time.
• If you can, start by asking if your kid is ready for feedback and then follow up with guidance: “Are you open to hearing what I think? Pause. “Okay, we need to … Tell me what you think needs to happen first and then I’ll give you my thoughts.”
• You may feel the consequence needs to be fast and firm

Nine Ways to Improve All Conversations with Your Tween or Young Teen:

1. Become an assistant manager: “How can I support you?”/ “What do you need to be successful with this?”/ “I’m here to listen while you think this through.”/ “Would you like some feedback on this?”/ “Can I help you talk through your options?”
2. Put on a “Botox brow”: Because tweens and teens can’t accurately read facial expressions, they’re forced to make assumptions about what others are feeling. Most often, they assume anger when they see a wrinkled brow.
3. Master the art of playing dumb: When your tween knows everything, play dumb and ask question rather than lawyering up and mounting evidence to prove they’re wrong. Get curious.
4. Appear disinterested: Middle schoolers are simply drawn to you when you are least available. For this reason, I suggest appearing less interested when you want to talk more.
5. Avoid the ambush: To get the most out of even casual conversations, try asking your child if you can catch up with them at a later, specified time. Even better, give them a choice of times.
6. Take your time: Unlike little kids, middle schoolers don’t need an immediate response from you to be able to learn from what’s happened. In fact, because they are so impulsive, teaching them how to slow down their reaction is beneficial. You might say something like, “Hmmm, I’m not even sure how to respond to that. I’ll get back to you in a few hours when I’ve had time to think.”
7. Multitask: Generally speaking, an eye-to-eye conversation will get you some head nods and one-word answers at best, so put something in their hands or get moving when you feel like talking. Think Andy Griffith teaching life lessons at the fishing hole.
8. Don’t talk at all: Some kids respond better to writing than listening. Can you trade spiral notebooks or use other technology to your advantage to maintain funny, informative text chats?
9. Designate a proxy: You don’t have to be the one to have all these conversations with your tween. Let your child know that if they ever want to talk, you’re available, as well as Aunt/Uncle ____. This is a great way for your kid to develop that relationship, build trust, and have an added safety net.

12 Conversation Crashers That Apply to ALL Topics

1. Don’t jump in too quickly.
2. Don’t make assumptions about how your kid feels, has felt, or will feel.
3. Don’t be vague.
4. Don’t talk in absolutes. Avoid words like everyone, only, entirely, exactly, always, never.
5. Don’t be indirect about what you need.
6. Don’t make threats.
7. Don’t be passive-aggressive. Avoid: “Lighten up” / “Fine” / “Don’t overreact” / “Whatever you want” / “You must have missed by point”
8. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries.
9. Don’t be tricked into proving yourself.
10. Don’t make yourself the center of the story.
11. Don’t use hyperbole.
12. Don’t drag it out.

Without further ado…

The Fourteen Conversations:

Convo 1: Talking About Your Parent-Child Relationship

• In early adolescence, your relationship with your child should mature and will benefit from you making space for conversations that are simple and carefree, not always teachable moments. A good pathway toward mutual respect is prioritizing pleasant conversations
• Your tween will be more responsive to your attempts to connect if you explain ways you can both expect your relationship to evolve.
• As your child grows up, their preferences for handling emotions, conflicts, and problem solving will change periodically. Discuss preferences with your child about how to handle these going forward.
• It’s great to share, but don’t overshare. Share your personal values, feelings about your own experiences (but not theirs), hard facts about health topics, interesting memories, and some of the parts of your daily life they never get to see. Avoid sharing if you’re doing it to be impressive, scary, or manipulative. You’ll know you’re oversharing if you tell your kid personally stories about your own adolescence that you wouldn’t tell a boss or new acquaintance.
• Don’t expect instant gratification in this new relationship with your child. Your child will open up incrementally, over a long period of time. Stay the course. It will be worth the time and patience you invest.

Convo 2: Talking About Independence

• Giving kids more independence in their tween years keeps them safer than clamping down ever could. Tweens need practice to learn what’s safe and how to cope with new people, places, and situations.
• Your child will almost certainly think they’re ready for more than they can handle. That’s okay. Figuring out how to cope with their failures is an important life skill to start learning now.
• Adolescents seek independence in two ways: by isolating themselves from their family, and/or by exploring their community without supervision.
• Kids this age need to learn how to navigate public spaces and interact with strangers safely and with confidence.
• Parents who respect their young adolescent’s need for privacy have better long-term relationships with their kids. When kids feel their parents were overly strict or needy of their companionship though adolescence, they can’t wait to experience a normal amount of freedom. When those kids leave home, they disconnect from family for fear of being pulled back into codependency.
• You won’t find a broader range in maturity and social-emotional development than among kids between ages 10-14. As a result, some kids are ready for independence much sooner, or much later, than their peers. During these year, parenting tend to become more judgmental of how other people parent. Resist the urge to compare your rules to others’. There will always be stricter and more permissive families. Do what’s best for your family, and specifically for your child, and don’t waste any emotional energy on what other people choose for their.
• Tweens need limits. They should’t feel arbitrary to your child, because that feeling can lead to unsafe rebellion. When it’s time to say no, give you child reasons why and, more important, concrete ways your kid can show you they are ready for more responsibility and freedom.

Convo 3: Talking About Changing Friendships

• Becoming an independent adult involves a shift from being pleasing to your parents to being successful among your peers. This creates new pressure to be accepted by friends and classmates, and makes it harder for kids to cope with the changes that friendships naturally go through during adolescence. Only 1% of friendships formed in 7th grade last until 12th grade. Remind tweens that learning how to talk with new people and being open to new experiences will benefit them more down the road than finding a soul mate at age 12.
• Pop culture romanticizes teen friendships, increasing the pressure kids feel to find a best friend. Parent should normalize an honest portrayal of adolescent friendship. It’s not ideal, but it is perfectly normal, to feel like a misfit, or long for better friendships, or mourn lost friendships.
• When kids don’t want to maintain old friendships, teach them how to treat people with dignity, even if they aren’t going to stay close.
• Help kids see that they may not have one friend who is all things to them. Having different friends who fill different needs can be just as satisfying.
• Kids get defensive when you comment on their friends. Use other people’s experiences, in real life or in books/on TV, to talk about how good friends treat each other.

Convo 4: Talking About Creativity

• Creativity is a crucial aspect of successful life and not just for artsy types. Business leaders cite creativity as the biggest factor in success.
• Encouraging creativity in- get this- creative ways, will help build your teen’s resilience during the challenges of adolescence.
• Creativity changes in two important ways during early adolescence. 1st, tweens often turn their creativity inward, working on new ways to present themselves to the worlds. 2nd, creative play is often replaced with entrepreneurship. Encourage both.
• Technology isn’t just a mind-numbing void. It can be a creative outlet for kids to express themselves.
• One of the best ways to encourage creative thinking at home is to engage your tween in brainstorming as often as possible. They need to learn their best ideas are often hiding behind their worst.
• Look for ways to encourage creativity by extrapolating from what your child already enjoys. Yes, even if that’s video games.

Convo 5: Talking About Taking Care of Yourself

• Gentle reminders in the form of question, such as “Are you feeling worn out?” or “Is there anything you need from me to help reset?” can serve as pause buttons in a busy day. Help your tween take time to check in with their feelings, but don’t pressure them to share with you.
• Demonstrate to your family the importance of self-care by taking time to recharge your own batteries.
• Fret less about your kid not wearing deodorant but leave a lot of it around the house and in the car. Eventually, almost all kids figure this one out.
• Encourage your tween to develop strong coping skills by making a “Try This First” list and helping you make one for yourself, too.
• Between ages 12 and 16 boys gain 50-60 lbs on average.
• When it comes to food, the healthiest thing your child can do is learn how to self-regulate and eat intuitively.
• Young adolescents need at least 9 hours of sleep at night. You can’t make a person sleep when you want them to, so the best you can is create the most conducive environment for sleep and educate them about why sleep matters.
• When talking to your kids about substances like alcohol or vape, don’t preach, or spread urban legends. Instead, share clear facts and your expectations.
• Self-harm is not correlated directly with suicide, but it does require therapy.
• How you talk about suicide and self-harm matters a great deal. I can’t “crash course” this, s revisit this section as needed.
• Talk about suicide and self-harm in your home. Studies show no statistical increase in suicidal ideation from asking about suicidal thoughts. In fact, talking openly about suicide with kids actually improves their thoughts.

Convo 6: Talking About Fairness

• Make sure you and your child share an understanding of the term “fair.” Many kids think that fair treatment if equal treatment, while adults think fair treatment is when each kid gets what they personally need to be successful. You cannot evaluate fairness out of context.
• When a kids complains something isn’t fair, they usually mean they aren’t getting something they want or need. This might be valid and parents should investigate, but it often has little to do with what is actually fair.
• If you treat your kids equally, you may be treating them unfairly, because you’re not parenting to their differences. Many siblings are not alike and need different things from their parents.
• Kids will balk less at you treating them differently if you explain why and remain open to their feedback.
• To increase the odds your kids will perceive you as fair, be a clear communicator, especially with regards to punishment and rewards. When kids feel ambushed, they do not see you as fair, and when things feel unfair, kids feel right in fighting back.
• Older teens are more likely than younger teens to keep an open mind about fairness, considering other people’s intent and motivation in addition to their own perspective.
• It’s not easy for young teens to stick up for other people being treated unfairly. Be patient and recognize that taking small steps in the right direction is progress.

Convo 7: Talking About Technology

• Worry less about keeping up with trends and more about establishing a living, breathing philosophy around how your family will relate to technology.
• Don’t forget the joy and excitement technology has brought to your life. Remember the first technology that blew your mind? How did it make you feel? This is probably how your kids feel. Try to enjoy some of the same fun they’re having.
• Kids don’t love technology for its own sake, but rather for what is connects them to: people, conversations, and things they find fascinating.
• Have a Tech Family Meeting as a way to establish common ground, guidelines, and personal statements you can use to guide online behavior.
• Tools that are helpful are inevitably also harmful. Stay balanced when talking about technology. It’s neither all good nor all bad.
• Be kind to people who make mistakes online, just as you would someone who got into a car accident. We’re all human. We’re all still learning.
• Technology can be a happy, healthy part of a happy, healthy life. The key is balance.
• Not all screen time is equal. Encourage creative, connected use of technology.
• Technology is a hot-button topic for tweens, especially when they fear you’ll take it away at the drop of a hat. Ease gently into conversations and stay open to the pros and cons. When in doubt, ask your kid to teach you about what they know and love.

Convo 8: Talking About Criticism

• People are constantly telling adolescents what to do and how to do it. It’s important to recognize that everyone has different sensitivity to feedback, and to adjust your delivery to your child’s temperament.
• We all have to find a balance between not caring what others think of us, and being cooperative community members.
• Kids benefit from being able to differentiate from constructive criticism (meant to help you improve) and destructive criticism (meant to make you feel bad).
• Remove your emotions from any situation when you learn about negative feedback your child has received. This will allow them to focus on how they feel and how they will cope, not how you feel or plan to cope.
• When giving a critique to a tween, avoid offering your opinion on their performance. Think of yourself as n instruction manual, not an editorial page. Instead of giving your opinion on how they’re doing, just give them clear instructions on how to do a task.
• Research shows that traditional feedback (pointing out flaws) is not effective. People learn better when feedback highlights their strengths. We see more brain development when a person feels confident and competent.
• To help tweens cope with tough feedback, ask questions like “Which of your strengths can help you?” or “What has helped you before when you’ve faced a tough situation like this?”

Convo 9: Talking About Hard Work

You and your child both will benefit from exploring the root of their motivation. by talking about the different reasons for working hard, your tween can develop, at least intellectually, an appreciation for internal, positive motivation:

1. Internal positive: This child works hard out of a desire to learn something new and feel a sense of pride
2. Internal negative: This child studies diligently to avoid not knowing the answers and being embarrassed in front of their peers.
3. External positive: This child is motivated by the end result of a good grade or a pleasing comment from the teacher.
4. External negative: This child fears being punished by parents for poor performance and possibly losing privileges.

• Adults romanticize hard work (especially their own). It’s fun to reminisce and take pride in your efforts, but comparison (and complaining) don’t motivate tweens to work harder. On the other hand, kids take pride in their hard work when others do, too.
• Hard work is subjective and personal. Keep this in mind. For example, what comes easily to one child might be a huge effort for their sibling. Recognize the differences.
• You can help your tween build their own work-ethic philosophy by asking them the same questions you pondered in this chapter regarding hard work, including: To what degree do you prioritize mental or physical hard work over the other? How do you know when your efforts are effective or just keeping you busy without results? How do you balance hard work with enjoying relationships? If you work hard and don’t get the results you hoped for, is there still value in the experience?
• Explain to your tween the 4 types of motivation (see above) so they can come to a better understanding of what motivates them now, and how they’d like to be inspired in the future.
• Beware of burnout. If your child tells you they need a break from a beloved sport or activity, believe them. We can’t expect kids to trade the satisfaction of being happy, active, fulfilled adults for the narrow chance at early success.
• If your child is never satisfied with their own hard work and accomplishments, they may have an underachieving reward center in their brain. It may be possible to retrain this through therapy.
• Talk with your kids about how you cope when your hard work doesn’t translate into the desired result.

Convo 10: Talking About Money

• Talk less about saving money (which teens already understand and practice) and more about the emotional aspects of spending money an accumulating debt.
• Tweens use name brands as a way to telegraph their acceptability to peers during a period of their lives when they fear social isolation and often experience heightened loneliness and self-consciousness.
• Be translucent not transparent, about your family financial decisions. Keep personal financial information private, while still educating your kid about the general costs of mortgages, vacations, cars, health insurance, and other things they will need to understand as young adults.
• Set an example of being grateful for the things that you already have, not sad about the things you don’t.
• Retrain impulsiveness by asking your child their opinion on reasonable wait periods before spending, with suggested longer times for bigger amounts.
• Kids benefit from high-level understanding of how marketing and advertising work.
• Tracking expenses, even as early as middle school, can show how multiple trips to the food court can add up.
• As your tween learns more about financial responsibility, makes sure they understand the nuances of other people’s situations and their right to make choices for themselves without judgment.

Convo 11: Talking About Sexuality

• Teens report parent sex talks could be improved if they were more specific, provided guidance, and were collaborative.
• Teaching safety during sex talks correlates to less risk taking.
• The average age a person first searches for porn is 14. Get ahead of this by talking about pornography early. Don’t focus your message on pornography being immoral or gross, or you run the risk of shame mingling with developing sexuality. Instead, talk about how porn doesn’t represent real sex and the implications of that on a healthy sex life later in life.
• When your child wants to start dating (or whatever they call it) establish guidelines for what’s acceptable in terms of physical touching, coping with new emotions, and staying attentive to school, family, friends, and interests.
• Stay educated on new terms related to sexuality and identity.
• It’s normal and okay for tweens to label their sexuality. Labels may or may not last, unlike the feelings they get when you accept and support them.
• Talk about consent early and often, starting with nonsexual scenarios. Establishing rules about asking permission before touching someone’s things and articulating your own preferences for space and touch preferences are two ways to begin teaching consent at home.

Convo 12: Talking About Reputations

One of the best lessons you can teach your child when they inevitably make a mistake is how to deliver a good apology. Kids need better examples of apologizing with a growth mindset.

A good apology does not:

• blame other people for misinterpreting your actions
• blame others for feeling hurt or offended
• blame circumstances for clouding your judgement
• waste words convincing people you’re a good person who just made a mistake

A good apology does:

• explain what you did wrong
• acknowledge who you’ve hurt and how
• say what you will do differently
• accept consequences

• Adults send mixed messages about when and whether kids should care what others think of them. We also confuse kid when we say good reputations take a long time to develop and a moment to derail.
• Building a reputation can be a hard concept for tweens, who have a present-centric way of thinking about time.
• Gossip has a huge effect on reputation, and how adults respond to gossip is important. Ask kids questions to make sure they consider the whole picture and the full character of a person, instead of focusing on one mistake.
• Kids lie for lots of reasons and not all lies are created equal. Lying to protect a friend or space someone’s feelings, for example, is different from lying to hurt someone.
• As adolescents experience increased freedom and privacy, they lie less.
• Protect your child’s reputation by guarding their private mistakes. Don’t share details without their permission.
• Learn the components of both good and bad apologies. Practice making good apologies in front of your tween (see above).
• Taking, sending, and receiving nudes is now part of the modern adolescent experience. Not for all teens, but for enough that it merits its own conversation with regard to reputation. Be wary of sounding too heavy-handed and always lead with empathy. Yes, nudes can be reputation breakers, but less so if we understand that at the heart of these scandals are tender young humans who are trying to navigate new feelings in a new environment. Nudes: A Reputation Maker or Breaker: reinforce that feeling curious about seeing nude pictures is totally normal at this age. You’re not saying it’s wrong to be interested, just that too many things can and will go wrong. Be clear that if friends or schoolmates pressure your child to ask someone for a nude picture or ask for your child to send a nude picture, that’s wrong.

Convo 13: Talking About Impulsivity

• Impulsive behavior gets a bad rap, but impulsivity isn’t unhealthy or naughty. Without impulsive people, we’d have fewer heroes and innovators.
• You don’t need to squelch your teen’s impulsivity, but you should explain it to them and help them figure out which situations benefit from fast action, and which benefit from careful analysis.
• Impulsivity isn’t simply acting without thinking. More accurately, it’s “a form of decision making that is overly sensitive to immediate urges without adequate considerations of consequences.” Pause on that. Impulsivity isn’t a lack of decision making. It’s a form of decision making.
• Impulsivity during adolescence is a result of one of two things: the inability to delay gratification (which gets increasingly better over tie), or the drive to try new things (which peaks at around age 19 for boys).
• Tweens and teens should be given the opportunity to experience new situations independently. The surge of dopamine that comes from “sensation seeking” actually helps the teen brain develop and become capable of handling more complicated experiences.
• There is no need to harbor disproportionate fear for your impulsive tween’s safety or future success. Almost all people do impulsive (crazy/dumb) things growing up, and almost all end up totally fine.
• When reacting to your child’s impulsive actions, it’s okay if you evoke feelings of guilt, but be careful you’re not triggering shame. Focus on what they could do differently next time and remind them their actions represent what they did, not who they are.
• Use a triage approach for dealing with the aftermath of teen impulses: 1)immediate threats to health, 2) serious, but less immediate, dangers, and 3) possible complications. Handle anything that falls under the first category swiftly, but take your time figuring out the rest.
• You can’t change your child’s personality, but if they overthink things to the point of missing out on opportunities, you can encourage a little flexibility and even impulsivity by showing them how it’s done, and rewarding spontaneity.

Convo 14: Talking About Helping Others

• We all want to raise prosocial kids (kids who do thins for the benefit of others, not just themselves). Young adolescents are naturally self-centered (that’s okay!), but it means sometime they lack the capacity to think outside themselves. This gets better as they grow up.
• Work on developing empathy to get kids thinking outside themselves. Focus on the three ways we build prosocial behavior: helping, sharing, and comforting.
• Be careful not to “other” people who need help. Avoid using people’s misfortune to make your child feel grateful.
• Empathy ties closely with grit. Grit, the ability to trust yourself to get through challenges, is learned by tuning into your inner voice. That voice is nurtured through parental empathy.
• Being an upstander, someone who sticks up for someone else, is not as easy or straightforward as it sounds. Start with baby steps. If your child isn’t comfortable confronting a bully, they can privately say something kind to the target. With practice, they’ll be able to do and say more.
• Holidays with young adolescents always brings up feelings of loneliness for parents and a loss of “magic” for tweens. Try negotiating on important traditions with your tween, and be open to new ways they can create magic for others.

If Time is Money, Then Living 24/6 May Be Priceless.

I recently read 24/6 The Power of Unplugging One Day A Week by Tiffany Shlain and in response, I simply have to try the one-day-a-week unplug that she touts so highly. I’m 100% ready to say NO to screens, no to cell phones, no to digital technology, no to social media, no to google maps, no to texts, no to emails etc. for one full day each week… AND… YES to records, yes to CDs, yes to real paper books, yes to getting outdoors, yes to cooking at home, yes to bike riding, yes to overlooked hobbies, yes to spending time being 100% present and engaged with the people I love who are right in front of me.

In the opening of the book, Shlain traces the roots of the concept of a day of rest starting with the 4th of the 10 commandments (“remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy”) and then moves through history to the Industrial Revolution and the labor unions’ struggles to create rest through their fight for the 40-hour week. For me, this desire to have a day focused on elevating rest and savoring time off (be it off from work, technology, phones, screens, etc.) stems from my understanding of what it means to be successful in life: To me, success is getting to decide how I spend my time. I think that Shlain would agree with this idea as she quotes the Unitarian minister Ana Levy-Lyons who writes,

“…this is where Heschel  and Karl Marx overlap: ‘time is the ultimate form of human wealth on this earth. Without time, all other forms of wealth are meaningless. It is this insight about time– patently obvious but frequently forgotten– that makes keeping a Sabbath day both spiritually profound and politically radical. To reclaim time is to be rich.” (Ana Levy-Lyons, “Sabbath Practice as Political Resistance: Building the Religious Counterculture,” Tikkun 27, no. 5 (2012): 16-67.

Shlain calls this 24/6 practice her and her family’s “tech Shabbat” as they kick off their 24 hours of unplugging tying into their Jewish custom of Friday night Shabbat dinner. Her family has been doing this for more than 10 years and her teenage daughters have come to love and look forward to Friday nights and the following tech-free Saturday. The tech-ban doesn’t extend to all technology, as one might expect in an Orthodox Jewish community. Instead, her family is focused on a digital, plugged-in, on-line, connected to work and social networks, screen ban. With these 24 hours off from technology and screens, she finds:

More presence, more appreciating, more compassion, more laughing, more dancing, more making… more eye contact, more hugs, more daydreaming, more silence, more eating together at the table, more reading, more journaling, more taking a beat, more thinking in slow motion, more rituals, more nature, more getting lost, more rest and digest, more tend and befriend, more empathy, more joy, more authentic connecting, more looking up, more love.”

Doesn’t that just sound like bliss?

Let’s do it!

In preparing for my own personal version of living 24/6, Shlain encourages me to think about the following:

“What brings you joy? Think about all the (screen-free) activities you enjoy doing that you just don’t do enough.”

Here are some of my thoughts:

It brings me joy to spend time…

• with my kids
• with my husband
• learning
• going to lectures, museums, libraries
• at church with my family
• riding bikes around town
• hiking at local State Parks
• playing frisbee golf at local courses
• reading
• going to the farmers market
• having a picnic
• playing piano
• listening to records & my collection of CDs
• writing letters
• exploring parts of our town (surrounding towns, CLT) that we don’t frequent or know especially well
• napping
• volunteering
• walking the dog
• starting a book club
• taking exercise classes
• playing board games
• doing puzzles
• keeping gratitude journal
• writing
• outside in nature
• watching my kids play at the park
• eating good food
• drinking bubbly water and/or having a drink with my husband and/or friends
• laughing with my friends
• traveling to places I love and/or new places I’ve never been

“Consider your own tradition or history. What foods or practices from your childhood, family, faith, or culture would make the day more meaningful for you?”

Here are some of my thoughts:

• We do a Friday night pizza and movie night which is a tradition I’d like to keep. So probably Friday night won’t be our starting point our tech-turn-off 24 hours.
• We prioritize dinner together not only with our family of four but also with my mom and grandma one night a week and my husband’s mom and dad one night a week.
• We don’t have a hard and fast rule of no phones at dinner, but that’s an easy one to implement.

“Consider your intentions. What qualities do you want to develop? Empathy, patience, creativity, curiosity, self-control, humor, optimism, gratitude? What habits do you want to break? How do you want to feel when the day is over?”

Here are my thoughts:

• I want to spend more time together with my family, not next to my family with our minds (often mindlessly) engaged in other things.
• I want to laugh more… I don’t laugh a lot looking at my phone.
• I want to be more patient and kind with my children in times of stress.
• I want to enjoy the beautiful NC weather in all seasons.
• I want to connect through writing (letters, postcards, thank-you notes) and less through text and posts.
• I want to have increased self-control and not look at my phone just because I have a moment of boredom and that is a knee-jerk reaction bad habit.

“Identify your barriers. What are your (or your partner’s or kids’) habits around screens that you most struggle with? What’s going to be the hardest part about giving up screens for a full day? What, if anything, do you fear will happen (or not happen)? Are you ready for this?”

Here are some of mine:

• Checking the phone first thing in the morning.
• Checking the phone as a default any time you are waiting or not doing something else.
• Watching TV routinely as a default in the evening.
• Too much purposeless time on social media.
• Bringing a laptop or smartphone into bed.
• Morning TV watching for kids so I can get ALL THE MORNING THINGS done.
• I LOVE all the library apps on my phone and find reading digitally has become much easier than reading paper books.
• Looking at my phone the last thing at night (usually reading).

“Check in on your current screen use and time online. How many screens do you have in your house? How often do you think you’re on at least one screen every day? Every week? Consider actually tracking your screen time, either with an app, on a spreadsheet, or through non-digital means. What aspects of your screen use worry you? When is the first time you check your phone in the morning? What is the longest amount of time you can remember being away from at least one screen? When was the last time you went a whole day without screens?”

Here’s what my data reveals:

• I use Instagram too much.
• I read a lot on my phone.
• We want to use our bedroom TV less or at least purposefully and strategically and not just out of habit and routine. I don’t want TVs in my kids’ room EVER. My mom was that mom, and I am too, apparently.

“Focus on the bigger picture. How is unplugging regularly good for society? How can you be part of this process? How has your concept of ‘rest’ changed throughout your life? Is it something that you want more or less than you used to? Think about how you want to be remembered, and start living that life.”

“How to prepare. A little thinking ahead will help you get more out of the day.” Do you need to print out a schedule for the day so you don’t have to access your Google calendar? Do you need to set an email away message for work? Have key phone numbers posted by your landline so you don’t have to access your iPhone contacts list? Do you need to have a landline installed?

Here are my thoughts:

• Maybe we need a landline. My husband and I have talked about this before but from the perspective of delaying the pressure of giving our kids cell phones but allowing them a way to be in touch with friends— after teaching high school for 12 years I completely acknowledge how antiquated this sounds. Despite my previous interest, I am hesitant to go the direction of installing a landline before making this Tech Shabbat a personal and family habit first. Feels like we need the horse and the cart in the right order.
• I want to make a list of important phone numbers for the fridge anyway for the boys and our babysitters. Now I have added motivation.
• I have a weekly paper calendar that I use to try to list my top 3-5 goals for the day. I can utilize this to keep a rough sketch for whatever we choose for our unplugged day.
• I’m unlikely to give up using Google Calendar as the main hub for how I keep track of our schedule and my reminders– it’s just too handy and doesn’t suck that much technology time (tracking my screen usage confirms this)
• I might delete the Instagram app. That does suck too much technology time (and tracking my screen usage confirms this, too. Ugggh. So basic.)

“Plan your first Tech Shabbat. Look at your calendar and determine what weekend day (or weekday) you’re going to start. Mark down several weeks in a row. The power and beauty of this practice come with its regularity. in time you will look forward to it each week. Look at the list of things you want to do more of. Plan to fill your screen-free day with activities from that list. You can even print the list, post it on your fridge, and reference it throughout the day. Or fill the day with doing nothing, if that’s what you need and want. Invite anyone you want to join you for a meal, an activity, or the whole day. Print out phone numbers (key friends, family, and emergency numbers) or other important information you may typically look up on your phone. Pring any maps you may need to travel to a new place. Get a landline. you can get one for as little as $20/month. Tell people in your life (family, friends, coworkers, boss) you’re planning to do this. Don’t come from a place of apology, but a place of strength and excitement. If they express concern or curiosity, invite them to a Tech Shabbat dinner so they can experience it with you.”

Here’s my thoughts:

• Saturday morning- Sunday morning?
• Saturday morning no cartoons, yes breakfast and library/farmers market/parks/greenways/museums/etc
• Saturday afternoons reading/boardgames/yardwork/playdates/etc.
• Saturday evening includes a special dinner with candles and guests optional

“Reflect on your first Tech Shabbat and make adjustments. What was your experience like? How did it feel? Did you notice any physical, emotional, or mental changes? What were they? What worked for you? What was the hardest part? What was the best part? What, if anything, surprised you? What would you change next time? Is there anyone else you want to bring along next time? How will you use screens differently this week?

To keep these 24/1 unplugged benefits going through the other 24/6 tech-filled days, Shlain encourages us to think about

• “Screen useEstablish guidelines for when/where screens can be used.
  • Put a small notebook in your bag with a pen you love. This way you don’t have to pull out your phone if you want to jot something down.
  • Use the feature on your phone to set limits on your screen/social media use
  • Set a text auto-response from your phone when you’re offline to let people. know you’re unavailable. for example: “I have my phone off to rebalance my mind. I will write to you when I’m back refreshed.”
  • Set aside time each day to let your mind wander: while taking a shower, doing dishes, walking, exercising. try not to fill those time with talking on the phone or listening to podcasts.
  • Wait until 8th to get kids a smartphone. If your kid needs one before then, consider a simpler model with no or limited internet.
  • Check out smartphone contracts by Janell Burley Hofmann or Dr. Delaney Ruston.
  • Revisit contract every 6 months or as new developments, needs, interests arise
• Rest, Silence, and StillnessGet an old-fashioned alarm block for your room so you don’t use your phone to wake up.
  • Don’t look at screens for at least 30 minutes after you wake up. Try journaling instead.
  • Establish periods of quiet rest throughout the say– leave your phone behind and go for a walk, write in a journal instead of scrolling your phone. Create space for your mind to wander. two hours a day of silence is recommended.
  • Make a list of your favorite places in nature that are close that you want to visit more often. Go.
  • Go somewhere without Wi-Fi for the day or longer.
  • Don’t let screens be the last thing you do before you sleep. The blue light can interfere with sleep onset. Read a book or magazine instead.
• Exits and EntrancesStart paying attention to what you’re doing when you arrive or leave a space.
  • Finish calls before you enter a room.
  • Try the thirty-second hug.
  • Try the ten-second doorknob countdown
  • Before texting someone (during the workday in particular), remember it takes twenty-three minutes to return focus after each interruption. Could this be addressed later?
  • With kids, practice “the entrance” of how to answer the landline: “Hello, XY residence.”
• Empathy and Eye ContactMake eye contact and say hello, good morning, etc. to five new people every day.
  • Get to know the names of people you interact with regularly but whose name you may not know– at work, at your favorite cafe, at the gym, at the library, at school drop-off or pick-up.
  • Forgive someone.
  • Give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Write a list of people you would like to get to know better and why. Invite them to your next Tech Shabbat meal.
• Social Media UseTurn off all social media and app notifications on your phone so it’s not constantly asking for your attention. You choose when to check-in.
  • Adopt a social media strategy. Ask yourself, Why am I on social media right now? Is it for work or for school? For news? It is to connect with family and friends? Who am I following and why? Remember, your feeds are shaping your thoughts and mind.
  • Take a beat before posting. Is what you’re about to post authentic? Is this something you want to broadcast to everyone who follows you? Is this information best-communicated face-to-face with close friends and family, or on a call, or in an email or text?
  • Take a social media sabbatical. Taking an occasional week off can be great for your schedule as well as your soul. Take stock of how you feel afterward.
• GratitudeKeep stack of thank-you notes and stamps in your bag so you can write and send one any time you think about it.
  • Write a letter of appreciation and send it to a friend, teacher, or mentor.
  • Keep a gratitude notepad with you so you can reach for that instead of your phone when you are waiting somewhere.
  • Start The Five-Minute Journal or an appreciation journal.
  • If you have a hard time going to sleep at night, think of three things you are grateful for when you close your eyes.”

 

Time to set a date and give it a try.

Time to disconnect in order to reconnect. I want to do this for ME and for MY FAMILY in equal measure.

The time is NOW to set up habits and patterns as a family.

Time to prioritize how I spend my time and how we spend time together.

After all, “to reclaim time is to be rich.” (Ana Levy-Lyons)

So, let’s DO THIS!

 

 

 

 

Other resources to explore in this journey:

• 24SixLife.com
• AwayForTheDay.org
• Center for Humane Technology
• Center on Media and Child Health
• CommonSenseMedia.org
• DigitalWellnessCollective.com
• Family Online Safety Institute
• NationalDayOfUnplugging.com
• ScreenSense.org
• WaitUntil8th.org

 

Why do I practice mindfulness? Because I’m an orange.

I had been toying with the idea of meditating for a couple years now. I suppose the reason it took me so long to stop thinking about it and start doing it was due to the fact that I didn’t concretely see what the benefit would be. It seemed silly to me to spend 10 minutes a day sitting still with my eyes closed in order to…? What? Despite having read various books and studies that tout its benefits, it was hard for me to understand mindful meditation because it was only theoretical for me.

For me, mindful meditation is something that you have to do in order to understand.

For me, you can’t understand it and then do it.

Through mindful meditation, I have also come to learn that what Hunter Clarke-Fields says is true. I am an orange. If I am not mindful of my inner voice, my self-talk, and my thoughts, then I can never control what comes out of me when I’m squeezed under pressure. If I truly want to choose silliness, kindness, and peace in moments of parenting insanity, then I must take time out of each day to purposefully fill my orange or at least rid my mind of my self-doubt and self-criticism about parenting. Keeping those thoughts around only ensures that my juice will be sour. I’m not a super sweet person by nature but I certainly love the idea of having the gut-reaction of “be kind” in response to a toddler tantrum instead of my usual frustration and sometimes anger– those aren’t good for my kids and it only serves to increase my self-criticism and my inner narrative that I can’t keep control of things in my own house… and it absolutely does not make me feel good after things calm down.

I found Hunter Clarke-Fields’ book Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids and picked it up hoping it could help me meld my New Year intention to be a meditator with my 4+year journey into learning to be a better parent. It was was a great read to help bring mindfulness to my often erratic and reactive parenting.

She also has a Mindful Mama Podcast that, if I were into podcasts, I’d check out, too.

Practicing mindful meditation is an exercise like any other. It is as essential as doing my training runs before running a race or as key as maintaining a consistent yoga practice for my strength and flexibility. I must also work out, exercise, train my mindfulness muscles in order to be a healthier person with healthier relationships.

This same mindfulness muscle is needed to remain mindful in the heat of the parenting chaos. If I haven’t strengthened those mindful meditation muscles I quite literally cannot tap into the knowledge I have worked hard to acquire on best parenting practices. When my younger kid smacks his older brother in the face my blood boils and if I haven’t done my meditation work out that day– or the day before– I am physically incapable of controlling my temper, taking a pause, and choosing kindness and peacefulness in my reaction.

When I’m struggling with my own rage, frustration, and helplessness, I am useless and powerless to help my kids process their own. Clarke-Fields offers this RAIN method for a mindful path through difficult feelings:

Recognize — She suggests using the “I am feeling ____” instead of “I am _____.” This helps you feel the feeling, which means it will pass through you, instead of being the feeling, which makes it seem like more a part of your identity.

Allow or accept– it’s ok to feel this way. You don’t need to act on it. Sometimes allowing the feeling and choosing not to act on it will help it pass through you.

Investigate– What does this feel like? What thoughts come up? Are they true? Where did this come from? I often feel the hopelessness that our house will ALWAYS be filled with boys biting, hitting, or yelling at each other. If I take a moment to investigate this feeling, I can rationally realize that it is NOT true. So much of our day together is not sibling rivalry chaos. Much of it is fun and silly and full of love for each other or quite simply there’s also lots of individual play where they aren’t even noticing each other.

Nurture– With compassion. Ask, “How would someone you love or admire be treating you as you go through this?” This is so key for me. Again, it takes me out of my head, which probably at that moment is filled with high emotions. I can quickly gain perspective for myself. And for my kids, when they are highly reactive and stuck in a tough moment this tactic helps me to not take it personally. I can think how would their teacher at school help them work through this moment and I can assume that role for them– in addition to the mom role where we get to have all the sweet hugs after the chaos.

Unfortunately but honestly, anger is a feeling I often encounter in this parenting journey. Basic psychology will tell you that anger is usually masking fear. So, in order to both deal with my anger/fear and to teach my kids not to react with anger when they are fearful of something, I need to first notice my anger and not judge it (because that’s when I really start to spiral down into shame), but then dig a bit deeper to determine what fear this anger is masking. Clarke-Fields suggests practicing  TIPI (Technique d’Identification des Peurs Inconscientes)  or in English “Technique to Identify Subconscious Fears.” Follow these simple steps:

1. Close your eyes
2. Pay attention to 2 or 3 physical sensations in your body. Mentally label or note the sensations to keep your mind fully present.
3. Let those sensations evolve, continuing to note them. Breathe.
4. Observe with curiosity and without interfering or trying to understand or control. Simply notice the sensation until your body restores a state of calmness.

I also recognize that, for me, anger is a quick, gut-reaction that occurs when I am triggered. Clarke-Fields asks parents to consciously inventory and then be mindful of their triggers. If we are aware of the triggers we can minimize their power over our reactions.

What are my triggers?

• Not being listened to. Being ignored.
• When my kids hurt each other physically.
• When I’m trying to do something and I just “can’t get anything done!”
• When I feel like I can’t stop something from happening and it all feels out of control. <– THIS! As an enneagram 8, this feeling of being out of control is a HUGE trigger for me.

When I am triggered my initial reaction is often anger and yelling. I think this will help me restore order. Clarke-Fields also asks parents to inventory and be mindful of what you would like to change about your parenting behavior. 100% I want to yell less. I don’t want to be that mom who yells at her kids every day and I don’t want that to be what they remember most about my discipline during their childhood.

“Anger is energy that needs to move through our body, so we can mindfully notice the feeling arise and let the energy of anger move through us.”

We need to “take care of our anger” = we release the energy of anger & calm down our nervous system.

So, this next exercise is pretty handy. It’s literally called the “Create Your Yell-Less Plan.” I’m not kidding. That is the name of the plan and it’s as if Clarke-Fields was inside my brain (or just inside my home on a regular basis) when she decided to title it that. This gives me hope. Clearly, other parents struggle with yelling as a reaction to their triggers, too. I’m not alone in this.

Here is her suggested plan:

• Talk Yourself Down. Tell yourself you’re safe: “This is NOT an emergency. I CAN handle this.”
• Adopt A Mantra to maintain perspective and repeat it to yourself when you’re fed up and feel like you’re going to explode:
  • “He’s only two. He’s only two.”
  • “I don’t have to win.”
  • “Choose love. Choose kindness. Choose peace.”
• Create A Mantra for yourself and remind yourself that you can MAKE THE CHOICE to REMAIN CALM
  • “Still water”
  • “I choose peace”
  • “Relax. Release. Smile.”
  • “Just be kind.”
  • “This will pass. Breathe.”
  • “When kids start yelling, I get calmer.”
• Take A Break. Find a “safe spot” for your kids and walk away for a few minutes.
• 5-8 Breathing. Breathe in for 5-count. Breathe out for 8-count. Repeat.
• Sigh it out. Repeat 5-6 times. This promotes relaxation.
• Mindful Walking. Slowly, deliberately.  Breathe and let go of anger and frustration. Step one foot down and breathe in, place the other foot down and breathe out. Repeat.
• Think Like A Teacher. Don’t take misbehavior personally. Instead ask: “What does my child need to learn and how can I teach him that?”
• Whisper Instead. It’s almost impossible to sound angry and it might bring some humor.
• Use A Funny Voice. Be a robot or Eeyore. Inject humor into the moment. It’s hard to be angry when laughing.
• Tense and Release Your Muscles. Work the anger out through your body, not your voice.
• Strike a Pose. Drop into forward fold or another calming, centering yoga pose.
• Wait. Wait 10 minutes or 24 hours before addressing the issue. It’s fine to come back and talk to your child later about appropriate language and behavior– when you are using appropriate language and behavior.
• Ask For Help. Ask for another adult to give you a break and talk to the child. Have the child explain to the adult that happened.

I am often short on patience and a good way for me to tap into more reserves of patience is to tap into empathy.

Empathy is our parenting superpower. It’s the skill that will help our children achieve the holy grail of their own emotional regulation. When we can sense what our children are feeling and experiencing– and be present with them– we are building connection and attunement.” p. 63

Connecting and communicating with my kids are of the utmost importance to me. I want them to be good communicators with me and use what they’ve learned at home to be good communicators with others out in the world. Therefore, I have to be mindful of how I communicate with them.

If this is my goal, then I have to minimize my use of “communication barriers” which may seem to work in the moment of parenting chaos, but, in reality, only serve to shut down building sincere, open communication habits with my kids. These “communication barriers” are:

• ordering
• threatening
• advising/offering solutions
• blaming
• name-calling/judging
• dismissing

Instead, I will strive to share my feelings of frustration, hurt, and anger with my kids by using “I-Messages” to help them remember that we are part of a family, a team, and our actions and words have an impact on the other people in our family. Kids need to learn that they play an important role in the family and need to pay attention to meeting the needs of other people in the family not just to get their own needs met. I want to shape their behavior by building their empathy and concern for the other people on our team. I don’t want their cooperation because they are rotely complying, because they are fearful, or because they are feeling defeated and powerless themselves.

What’s an “I-Message”? Glad you asked! An I-Message is a statement that helps kids see how they can help you get your needs met. Moms and dads have needs in addition to kids. Ignoring our needs can be what leads to familial conflict. It also helps them consider how their actions affect others. Here’s how it works:

1. Describe the behavior: “Your hair isn’t brushed.” OR “Your hair is a mess.”
2. Describe a specific, tangible effect: costs time, money, energy, prevents you from doing something you want or need to do, upsets your body or senses
3. Share your feelings

Here are some I-Message examples:

• Instead of “Don’t kick me!” –> “Ouch! That really hurts me. I don’t want to be kicked!”
• Instead of “Put your toys away” –> “With your toys all over, I feel annoyed and it’s hard to enjoy our time together.” OR “I feel disappointed when I see a big mess.”
• Instead of “Stop yelling” –> “When you yell, I can’t hear anything and feel grumpy and frustrated.”
• Instead of “You are such a good boy helping mommy”–> I feel good when I see you helping to ______.”

I like order in the house. I like things to feel under control. (Again, hello, Enneagram 8). So, I often hear myself barking orders at my kids. Sometimes it’s successful but even when it is, it often leaves me feeling awful for having ordered my kids around. Next time I start barking, I need to be mindful of my barking, notice it and try a new tactic. Clarke-Fields suggests instead of barking orders to “be silly to set limits”:

• Get into character. Special agent mom, alien who needs kids to explain rules, robot voice, cowboy voice, etc.
• Become contrary. “Please don’t get in the tub. You’re using soap? Nooooo! Ewwww!” This shifts the power struggle.
• Use silly language or silly songs. “The shoes, the shoes, it’s time to put on the shoes!” or “oh my darling, oh my darling, oh it’s really time to go” (to the tune of My Darling Clementine)
• Tell a crazy story. “Did I ever tell you about the little blue cat who didn’t stay beside his mommy in the parking lot?”
• Become incompetent. “Oh no! I forgot how to leave this park. Help!” or “Time to brush your teeth! Wait, where are your teeth? Are they here? (brushing elbow)”

My husband is so much better at this silliness than I am. I’m so endlessly grateful for a partner that can shift the energy and be that mindful voice for me when I’m not noticing the power struggle rut I’m stuck in with the boys.

I am not always a good parent. I am reactive and I get it wrong a lot of the time. However, I hope my kids will see my humility, my unending love for them, and my deep desire to do and be better. I am consistently admitting to them when I’ve made a mistake, asking them for forgiveness and for the chance to start over and try again. For me, this mindful parenting journey is not about perfection but rather about striving.

As the Buddha said:

“Improve your character through mindful striving. Or let your character worsen through negligence and obliviousness.”

I choose mindful striving every time.

A home with the siblings & without the rivalry? Can we really live the dream and not the drama?

I am a parenting novice (despite two kids and almost 4 years of skin in the game thus far) and am always in need of improvement. Don’t worry. I tell my kids daily that I make mistakes and that I’m working on it.

Therefore, I am often reading to learn more. I am always full of hope and optimistically in search of helpful, practical, and well-researched advice to aid me in this parenting journey.

As I read, I often use this blog to process my thoughts about some of the books I read and to create a searchable reference for myself so that I can return to lessons learned and key insights gained from the authors and their works.

For the book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish I’m not going to reinvent the wheel here. I’m loving this mom’s cliffs notes/summary of this book. So, I’m just going to leave his here for me to reference later as it will certainly be needed as my two under 4 hash it out together at this stage of life and all the others to come as they mature together and individually: https://www.google.com/amp/s/matleave.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/siblings-without-rivalry-parenting-books-cliff-notes/amp/

Here’s also a helpful resource for siblings without rivalry from a Montessori perspective and its image captured via Pinterest:

Wish us luck, determination, patience (and maybe sometimes some divine intervention) as we attempt to live the drama-free dream!

Can Parenting Really Be Simple? Why not?

I recently finished the book Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne. I thought this was a great read. I would certainly recommend it to other parents. Of course, there are some suggestions in the book that I simply (haha) couldn’t see my family executing– like taking the TV out of our living room or removing, essentially, most of the books from my kids’ room. However, so many of the suggestions I agree with, and even those that I don’t, warrant taking a pause and thinking through what is right and best for my family, our environment, our habits.

The Simplicity Parenting website gives the following overview:

Simplicity Parenting based on the book by Kim John Payne offers a simple, orderly, and effective pathway to simplify four realms at home, which reduces stress on children and their parents, and allows room for connection, creativity, and relaxation.

These four realms for simplifying are:

1. Environment: De-cluttering too much stuff at home.
2. Rhythm: Increasing predictability by introducing rhythmic moments for connection and calm.
3. Scheduling: Soothing violent schedules brings moments for Being into all the Doing.
4. Unplugging: Reducing the influence of adult concerns, media and consumerism on children and families to increase resilience, social and emotional intelligence.

Parents who take steps along this pathway to simplify their homes and their schedules, to introduce more predictable rhythms and to filter out concerns which children are not yet able to cope with, find that their children:

• Are calmer and happier
• Do better socially and emotionally
• Are more focused at school
• Find it easier to comply with family rules
• Become less picky eaters

These parents also find that they themselves:

• Have a clearer picture of what they value as parents
• Are more united with each other in their parenting
• Have more time and energy for connection, relaxation, and fun”

At the start of his book, Payne asks us the question: Why simplify at all?

Well, he holds that kids today in our cultural context are experiencing attention issues, anxiety, and depression at higher rates because of the overwhelm in their environments. At the start of his career, he counseled children affected by warzones and violent childhood trama (children who essentially were suffering from PTSD) and later in his career was finding similar symptoms in children who came from upper-middle-class families who were not growing up in war-torn regions of the globe. In treating the kids from both contexts, he found that going through a detailed “simplifying of their world” proved very effective and reduced or prevented the need for prescription medications.

Some thought-provoking quotes for me were:

“We are building our daily lives, and our families, on the four pilars of too much: too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too much speed. With this level of busyness, distractions, time pressure, and clutter (physical and mental), children are robbed of the time and ease they need to explore their worlds and their emerging selves.”

“Our society– with its pressure of ‘too much’– is waging an undeclared war on childhood.”

“Children need experiences, not entertainment, in play. The more kids can do, see, feel, and experience for themselves in play, the more connected they will feel to the world, and the less overwhelmed. We live in an information age, where kindergarten-age children know all about the tropical rainforest. Yet have they thoroughly mucked about in their own yards and neighborhoods?”

I think about this so much at this preschool stage (especially the third quote). I feel like my kids have too much. TOO MUCH STUFF. Do my kids really need ALL THE TOYS? And I certainly prefer when their toys don’t DO any of the playing FOR them. I am that mom who ALWAYS takes out the batteries and/or keeps the toy turned off. The grandparents consistently make jokes about it but they know after I take the toy home it WILL NOT have any noises or lights anymore. For my sanity, for the kids’, and for the dogs’. Those toys have no “staying power” at our house. In his simplifying the environment chapter, Payne doesn’t list specifically what toys to have or which toys to get rid of, but he does provide this guide for parents in the simplifying process.

Avoid:

• Toys that are conceptually “fixed” toys (toys based on movie characters, etc.
• Toys that “do too much” and break too easily
• Very high-stimulation toys
• Annoying or offensive toys
• Toys you are pressured to buy
• Toys that inspire corrosive play (violent video games, etc.)
• Toy multiples (sorry, no need for 100 beanie babies)

On these points, I could not agree more.

Thought-provoking quotes continued:

“Little ones ‘graze’ on our emotions. They feed on the tone we set, the emotional climate we create.”

When I, myself, am overwhelmed, or when I am frustrated, or when I am yelling (read: fed-up and mad), I am certain it affects my kids. How could it not? I will continue to keep at the forefront of my mind that my emotions are absorbed by and then mirrored back to me in my children. It becomes cyclical, but I, as the adult, have the conscious ability to break that cycle.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“Part of an acorn’s telos, or destiny, is to become an oak. An acorn carries its telos within, from the beginning. Beyond our genetic gifts to them, beyond what they absord from us and their environment, children seem to arrive with something of their very own, a telos, or intrinsic nature.”

Having two boys only 18 months apart who are both biologically ours being raised in the same home environment, I have begun to think about this almost on a daily basis. Two kids who have so much in common, could not be more different. They are each CLEARLY their own acorn, with their own telos– or rather they might even be two entirely different seeds that will certainly flower into their own species of tree one day. I have to remember that my goal is not to make them into my tree or even into the same tree, but rather to guide them into growing into their own. This is WAY easier said than done. Every day I try– both to make them my tree and to help them become their own.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“But a half hour or an hour of quiet, restful solitary time during the day is restorative at any age, and a habit worth cultivating.”

100% agree. This used to be 100% true in our house. I want this to ALWAYS be true in our house. My only question is… HOW DO YOU MAKE THE KIDS RECOGNIZE IT’S A HABIT WORTH CULTIVATING? Currently, my kiddos are more interested in playing “jump in the leaves” in their room during afternoon nap/rest time than being quiet (or heaven forbid *** sleeping*** during their half-hour or hour of quiet).

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another. In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: the family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bedtime… Saturday pancakes.”

I know we are enjoying this part of the preschool years. Repetition is fun. Family ritual is fun. Daily-ness is fun. Common threads are simple– but not always easy (see our nightly– often failed– attempts to get everyone to sit and eat at the dinner table. Although, every now and then there is that gem of a night where the stars align and it’s… awesome!).  I wonder when the joy of repetition and simple togetherness will change. I do not welcome its demise.

However, the good news is that as I spend time with my 90+-year-old grandmother, it seems that this valuation of repetition as connection seems to come back around again if we are lucky enough to live that long, or wise enough to not forget it.

So, maybe Saturday pancakes and nature walks will always be the key to connection.

Thought-provoking quotes cont.:

“After all, it’s not just what you make of your time, it’s whether you have the time to make it your own.”

Well, for me at least, doesn’t it all just boil down to this one sentence. Time is all we have. We can’t save it. We can’t make more of it. If I want to teach my kids anything about time, it’s that they should make it their own.

In the last chapters of his book, Payne discusses the vital need for parents to function as a secure home-base for their kids as they grow, rather than the “helicopter” parent with which we are so familiar. He goes on to give advice regarding how to achieve this mindset given that parents often have their own anxieties and needs for their kids to become something, succeed at something, achieve something. His last suggestion, which I’ll quote below, is a habit I would live to cultivate in myself before coming obsessively involved in the trajectory of my kids’ lives:

“My last suggestions for backing off from overinvolvement is a simple one. I’ve seen it make a profound difference, however, in some parents’ attitudes, and the emotional climate of their parenting. It is a meditation, a mental exercise for the end of the day that will take just a minute or two. Before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that mean something to you. This simple exercise is like a spritual corrective lense. In your vision of your kids it helps restore the prominance of ‘who are they’ over ‘what they need to do’ or ‘what they need to work on’.”

I want my kids to have a childhood full of the dailiness of simply being a kid so that they can grow into who they themselves can be. I want to cultivate and remember who they are, their telos. Payne encourages visualization as a key habit in simplicity parenting and this seems like a simple and great place to start.

I don’t know what this simple, dailiness of being a kid will look like as my boys get older and we have to consider more often balancing their schedule and all the activities that may infiltrate our days.

BUT… I can say, at this pre-school stage, it will mean fewer toys, less TV (our kids don’t interact with other screens), more focused family time, continued family dinners, and more unstructured outside time.

Today we basically spent the entire afternoon outside in the front and backyards and then cooked dinner over a backyard fire. It was a great day and the boys fell asleep (relatively) simply after a few bedtime books and creative stories.

However… Winter is coming… and Christmas is on the horizon. Time to cull some more toys. It should be simple, right?

Learning to talk so my kids will listen.

I just finished How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King. I read the eBook from the CM Library via the Kindle app and had to start taking notes along the way before I got too far into the book and forgot the first chapters I read.

Overall, I appreciated this read because it offers loads of practical advice on how to better speak to and seek collaboration from your kids.

First of all, I want to make clear that my goal in day-to-day parenting my kids isn’t purely obedience from my sons. I do want them to listen to parents, teachers, and other adult role-models/supervisors and heed their requests. However, what I hope for more than that are two boys who know how to control their emotions, name them, respond to them, share them appropriately with others. Two boys who can self-regulate their actions and engage kindly and cooperatively with others even when no one is watching them or providing direction.

Second of all, as a parent I know that I am quick to become frustrated, to anger, to lose my temper. Therefore the first to-do for me is the next time my kid says/does something inflammatory, I want to try to follow these steps:

1. Grit my teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him!
2. Think about the emotion he is feeling.
3. Name that emotion and put it in a sentence.

Honestly, this is something I should also try with my spouse. So often I get caught in number #1 and then that sends us down a rabbit hole of arguing.

The next to-do for me, especially when considering the morning/bedtime routines and rush, is to keep in mind that

“The best way to help a child ‘get over it’ is to help him go through it.”

The book is divided into 2 parts:

Part One: The Essential Toolkit

• Chapter One: Handling Emotions
• Chapter Two: Engaging Cooperation
• Chapter Three: Resolving Conflict
• Chapter Four: Praise and Appreciation
• Chapter Five: Kids Who Are Differently Wired
• Chapter Five and a Quarter: The Basics

Part Two: The Tools in Action

• Food Fights
• Morning Madness
• Sibling Rivalry
• Shopping with Children
• Lies
• Parents Have Feelings, Too!
• Tattling
• Cleanup
• Doctor’s Order
• Little Runaways
• Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing
• Sleep
• When Parents Get Angry!
• Troubleshooting

PART ONE: The Essential Toolkit

Specifically, from Chapter 1–“Tools for Handling Emotions… What’s All the Fuss about Feelings?– When kids don’t feel right, they can’t behave right”

We are given the “Tools for Handling Emotions”

1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words
   1. “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing”
   1. It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart”
2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing
   1. “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.”
   1. “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wishlist.”
3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art
   1. “You seem sad” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply had over a crayon or pencil)
   1. “You are angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper)
4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality –> “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.”
5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention –> “Ugh!” “Mmmm” “Ooh” “Huh”

We are also given some “Very Important Points”

• All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
• Sit on those “buts.” Substitute “The problem is…” or “Even though you know…”
• Match the emotion. Be dramatic!
• Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

Specifically, from Chapter 2– “Tools for Engaging Cooperation… Feelings Schmeelings. She Has to Brush Her Teeth– Getting kids to do what they have to do”

We are given the “Tools for Engaging Cooperation”

• Be Playful
  • Make it a game: “Can we get all the cars into the boxes before the timer beeps? Ready… set… go!”
  • Make inanimate objects talk: “I’m an empty sock. I need a foot in me!”
  • Use silly voices and accents: “I.. am.. your… robot… Must… buckle.. seat..belt…now”
  • Pretend!: “We need to climb this slippery mountain into the car seat.”
  • Play the incompetent fool: “Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head? No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!”
• Offer a Choice
  • “Do you want to hop to the tub like a bunny or crawl to the tub like a crab?”
  • “I won’t let you cut my clothes. What can you cut?
• Put the Child in Charge
  • “Johnny, would you set the timer and let us know when it’s time to leave?”
• Give Information
  • “Tissues go in the trash.”
• Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)
  • “Trash!” “Teeth!”
• Describe What You See
  • “I see most of the blocks put away in the toy box. There are only a few blocks left to go”
• Describe How You Feel
  • “I don’t like food thrown on the floor”
  • “I don’t like seeing children hurt”
• Write a Note:
  • “Put me on your head before riding. Love, your bike helmet.”
  • “Kitchen closed until 7AM”
• Take Action Without Insult
  • “I’m putting the paint away for now.  I can’t let you splatter the other kids.”

We are also given some “Very Important Points”

• Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child.
• Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
• When expressing anger or frustration, use the word “I”, avoid the word “you.”
• Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

Specifically, from Chapter 3–“Resolving Conflict”

We are given the “Tools for Resolving Conflict”

1. Express Your Feelings… Strongly! –> “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!”
2. Show Your Child How to Make Amends –> “Your sister got scared on the top of the slide. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some pretzels? Do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?”
3. Offer a Choice –> “We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for your turn. You can swing on the swings or you can play in the sandbox. You decide.”
4. Take Action Without Insult –> “We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now (from throwing rocks/sand or pushing, etc.)”
5. Try Problem Solving
   1. Step One: Acknowledge your child’s feelings –> “I can see that you don’t like your hand held in the parking lot. It makes your fingers feel squeezed.”
   1. Step Two: Describe the problem –> “The problem is, I worry about cars hitting children in the parking lot.”
   1. Step Three: Ask for ideas –> “We need some ideas so we can go back to the park and have a good time without people getting mad or scared. What can we do?”
   1. Step Four: Decide which ideas you both like –> “So you like the idea of holding on to my sleeve and leading me to the playground. Let’s circle that one (because you’ve been writing out a physical list with all the ideas– no matter how silly).
   1. Step Five: Try out your solutions –> “Here we are at the parking lot. Grab my sleeve and show me which way to go.”

We are also given some “Very Important Points”

• If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations. Maybe your kid isn’t ready for this activity yet.
• Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.
• Remove the disputed object temporarily.
• You don’t have to wait for the problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!

Specifically, from Chapter 4– “Tools for Praise and Appreciation… Not All Odes Are Equal– ways to praise that will help, not hinder.”

“the first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise”

(much of this entry is actually a direct quote from the book, but I wanted to emphasize this one because my Sunday School class has been considering praise and what we should/should not praise our kids for and when praise is/ is not appropriate)

We are given the “Tools for Praise and Appreciation”

1. Describe What You See –> “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!
2. Describe the Effect on Others –> “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.”
3. Describe Effort –> “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.”
4. Describe Progress –> “You sounded out each of the letters and you put them together. You read a whole sentence!”

We are also given some “Very Important Points”

• Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.
• Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.
• Give a child a new picture of himself.
• Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

Specifically from Chapter Five and a Quarter– The Basics… You Can’t Talk Your Way Out of These– Conditions under which the tools won’t work

REMINDER: The Basic-Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work:

• Lack of food
• Lack of sleep
• Need for recovery time
• Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome)
• Lack of developmental or experiential readiness

PART TWO: The Tools in Action

Food Fights

Resist the urge to…

• insist that your child clean his plate, eat a specific food, or eat a predetermined amount.
• offer dessert as a reward for eating healthy food, or withhold it as a punishment for not eating.
• be a short-order cook
• label your child as a picky eater.
• make good a battleground

Instead, you can…

1. Acknowledge Feelings –> “even though you usually lie chicken, you’re not in the mood for it tonight.”
2. Offer Choices –>
   1. Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself
   1. Serve some of the meal as simple separates so kids can make choices about what they put on their plates.
   1. Offer a simple alternative if kids don’t want the “grown-up” food– peanut butter sandwich, bread and cheese, hard-boiled egg, raw carrots.
3. Manage the Environment –> keep sweets and sugary drinks out of sight. Make it easy to avoid temptation.
4. Put the Child in Charge –> Let kids have as much involvement as possible in planning, shopping, as well as preparing the meal if you can tolerate some food landing on the floor
5. Give Information –> Let kids know that “tastes change,” so they don’t feel stuck with their limited palate. Tell them, “you might want to give this a try when you’re ready.”

Morning Madness

1. Be Playful –> (shoe talking) “I don’t want that foot in me. Nooooo!” (parent talking) “You’d better get on Luke’s foot right now. You’re making him late.”
2. Offer a Choice –> “Do you want to walk to the car the regular way of backward?”
3. Put the Child in Charge –> “Can you set the timer? I need you to let me know when it’s time to go out the door.”
4. Try Problem-Solving –> “It’s not easy to remember all the things we have to do in the morning. What do you think about making a chart?”
5. Acknowledge Feelings –> “It isn’t easy to get out of a warm, cozy bed. It’s nice to snuggle for a few more minutes!”

Sibling Rivalry

1. Accept Feelings –> “It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!”
2. Give Wishes in Fantasy –> Let the older child pretend to be a baby. “Come sit on my lap and be my super baby.”
3. Describe What You See –> Notice an appreciate the positive interactions between siblings. “You figured out who to cheer up your sister when she was crying.”
4. Put the Child in Charge –> So that he has an opportunity to see himself differently. “Can you pick a board book for the baby? She likes it when you read to her.”
5. Reconnect With Your Child –>
   1. Plan for special one-on-one time -> “Would you like to make cookies when the baby takes her nap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up books?”
   1. Tell the other child stories about his baby days –> “I remember when you…”
6. Take Actions Without Insult –> Avid casting a child in the role of aggressor. “We need to separate. I don’t want anyone getting hurt!”
7. Try Problem-Solving –> Resist the urge to take sides and don’t minimize the problem! “Jamie wants to build by himself and Kara wants to touch the blocks. This is a tough problem. We need ideas.”

Shopping with Children

1. Put the Child in Charge –>
   1. Have him help make a shopping list and gather groceries to put in the cart.
   1. Give him an allowance: “You can bring your dollar to the grocery store in case you see something you want to buy for yourself.”
2. Offer a Choice –> “Should we get the spiral pasta or the elbow pasta? You pick!”
3. Acknowledge Feelings with a Wish List –> Don’t let them get everything they want but address their desires by putting it on a wishlist for special birthdays/holidays.
4. Give Information-Let Children Know What to Expect –> “We’re going shopping for Elena’s birthday present today. Let’s bring the wish list in case you see something you’d like yourself.”

Lies

1. Describe What You See –> Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious. “I see chocolate on your face.”
2. Describe How You Feel –> “I’m upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!”
3. Acknowledge Feelings –> “It’s not easy to resist cake. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it.”
4. Try Problem- Solving –> Make a plan for the future. “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.”
5. Adjust Expectations –> Manage the environment instead of the child. Think to yourself, The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert so it’s not so tempting.
6. Help the Child Make Amends –> “We’re going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you get out some cookies and arrange them nicely on a plate?”

Parents Have Feelings, Too!

1. Express Your Feelings… Strongly! –> Instead of, “You’re being rude!” Try, “I don’t like being told I’m mean. It makes me mad.”
2. Tell Them What They CAN DO Instead of What They CAN’T –-> “You can tell me ‘Mommy, I’m disappointed! I wanted to go!”
3. Don’t Forget the Basics-Give Yourself and Your Child Time to Recover –> “I’ll talk to you about it after dinner. Right now I’m too upset.”

Tattling

1. Acknowledge Feelings –> “Jenna didn’t like being poked. That hurt!”
2. Help the Child Make Amends –> without scolding “Let’s get a broom and sweep up the mess.”
3. Try Problem-Solving –> “How will we remember not to touch the stove dials? We need ideas? A sign?”

Shy Kids

1. Acknowledge Feelings –> “It can be hard to walk into a new house filled with relatives. Lots of people want to say hello to you. That can feel scary.”
2. Adjust Expectations –> Give a child something to do instead of pressuring him to be social. “You can carry in the chips and put them in the bowl for people to eat.”
3. Offer a Choice –> “Do you want to sit on the couch and watch the kids set up the trains? Or do you want to have a snack with the grown-ups first?”
4. Be Playful –> (Sock puppet talking) “Hi there! Would you like a corn chip?”
5. Put the Child in Charge –> “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”

Cleanup

1. Be Playful –>
   1. (shoes talking) “Pretty please, put me in the closet with my friends!”
   2. “How many minutes will it take to toss all the Legos into the bucket? You can set the timer. Ready… set… go!”
2. Offer a Choice –> “Do you want to be in charge of putting away the books or the cars?”
3. Write a Note –> “Please hang me on the hook. Love, Your Coat.”
4. Describe What You See –> “I see orange peels on the floor.”
5. Give Information –> “Peels belong in the compost.”
6. Say It With a Word –> “Coats! Peels! Shoes!”
7. Describe Progress –> “You got that whole pile of dirty laundry in the basket! All that’s left to put away are the cars and books.”
8. Describe What You See with Appreciation –> “Wow, look at this big cleanup you did. The floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it’s a pleasure to walk on.”

Doctor’s Order

Little Runaways

1. Adjust Expectations: Manage the environment instead of the child –> Avoid outings that seem like fun but will be more stress than pleasure with a small child. There will be plenty of opportunities to see holiday decorations at the mall or enjoy an outdoor concert by the river when your child is a little bit older.
2. Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings –> “You don’t like it when your hand is squeezed. You want to be free to look around.”
3. Describe Your Own Feelings –> “I worry that drivers backing out of parking spaces can’t see children.”
4. Offer a Choice –> “You can ride in the cart or you can help push.”
5. Be Playful –> “We need to stick close together. It’s a jungle out there. I think I just saw the tail of a lion behind that car.”
6. Try Problem- Solving –> “Let’s think of a secret signal we can use that means we have to get to each other as fast as possible.”
7. Take Action Without Insult –> Grab your kid and go home. “We can’t stay here. I have to watch the baby and I’m too worried about losing sight of you by the river.”

Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing

1. Take Action Without Insult –>
   1. Make everybody safe. “We need to separate!”
   1. Attend to injuries. “Let me kiss that bump. Do you want a piece of ice for your head?”
2. Express your Feelings Strongly –> “I don’t like seeing Isabel hurt!” “That makes me very upset!”
3. Help the Child Make Amends –> “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a strawberry?”
4. Acknowledge Feelings –> “It can be very frustrating to have a little sister grabbing your things.” “It’s not easy to resist hitting or pushing when you’re mad.”
5. Give Information –> “No pushing allowed in this house. Daddy is not allowed to push me. You are not allowed to push your sister, and she is not allowed to push you. And I am not allowed to push either of you— unless you need a push on the swing.”
6. Try Problem-Solving –> “Sometimes your little sister can drive you crazy! What can a person do when his sister is bothering him? We need ideas.”

Sleep

When Parents Get Angry!

Troubleshooting

1. When a child is too upset to cooperate, go back to Acknowledging Feelings“You don’t even want to think about visiting your friends another time. You were looking forward to going today!”
   1. Make sure your tone of voice matches the emotion –> “That’s so disappointing!”
   1. Try a grunt instead of words –> “UGH!” “Mmmph!”
   1. Put your child’s thoughts into words –> “Stupid legos! They should stick together and stay together!”
   1. Tell the story of what happened –> “You worked for a long time on that spaceship. yo used blue bricks for the base, and red bricks for the lights, and it was almost ready to launch! All it needed was the fins on the rockets…”
2. Give your child Time To Recover (and give yourself a break!) –> “I can see how sad you are. I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner. Come join me when you’re ready.”
3. Help a child climb out of the pit of despair by Acknowledging Feelings, Giving Information, and Offering Choices. –> “Oh no, the skin got ripped! That hurts! Good thing skin knows how to repair itself. it’s getting busy right now growing more skin cells to cover that poor knee and make it as good as new. How many days do you think it will take? What kind fo Band-Aid should we cover it with?”
4. Take Action and stick to your values; if you regularly cave in to whining and complaints, the tools won’t work. –> “You wish we could have candy for breakfast! I’m putting it out of sight. The choices are cereal or eggs.”
5. Check on “The Basics” –> Is your child lacking food or sleep, or feeling overwhelmed? Is your child developmentally ready to do what you’re expecting?

This is all a lot to digest. I vow to take it a little bit at a time and then revisit and try some more.

Here are some key takeaways I want to start with. I will try to incorporate these into my “mom” vocabulary:

• use “as soon as…, we can..” instead of “if you…, then I’ll/we’ll...”
• use “the problem is…” instead of “but...”
• use “I don’t like seeing your brother hurt/pushed” instead of “you pushed your brother!”
• use “you CAN…” instead of “DON’T DO…”
  • don’t yell you’ll wake the baby –> let’s use our whisper voices
  • don’t run in the parking lot –> hand-holding time!
  • don’t throw sand –> sand is for pouring and digging
  • don’t jump on the couch –> you can jump on the bean bag chair
  • don’t wiggle while I’m trying to tie your shoes –> time to freeze like a statue!

Here are some other key takeaways I want to start considering with my “mom” actions:

• the first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise
  • When a child is engaged in an activity, there is no need to disturb her concentration by looming over him and offering unsolicited comments
• the punishments we mete out on our children give them a blueprint for how to approach conflict in their lives.
  • We have to ask ourselves if we want them to use these methods on their peers and siblings.
  • The key question is: how do we want our children to approach conflict? Do we want them to think about what they should do to the other person– take something away or inflict pain– or do we want them to think what can I do to solve this problem?

At the end of the book, in the works cited/bibliography section there were a number of resources I’m interested in reading at least parts of:

• Liberate Parents, Liberated Children by Faber and Mazlish
• Siblings without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish
• Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful by Donna Goertz
• Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
• The Spirited Child by Kurcinka
• Playful Parenting by Lawrence D. Cohen
• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
• Punished by Rewards by Kohn

I finished this book during a week-long family vacation in Texas. This was a wonderful and challenging trip. Some challenges: We drove to Texas from North Carolina. We stayed at my dad’s house— which while it’s very low-key, it’s certainly not very 17-month-old or 3-year-old friendly. Some wonders: A week of fully family-focused time where we didn’t watch any TV, have any WiFi nor much cell reception at all.

Reading this book while living 24/7 care of my kids with all the challenges and joys reminded me that I have a lot of work to do, but that also sometimes I get it right.

Just like my kids 🙂

Humility? What is it and how do you instill or cultivate it in yourself or someone else?

Last month I listened to David Brooks’ The Road to Character on audiobook during my commute to and from work. This was a great audiobook for a drive— except for the introduction and last chapter which required acquiring a hard copy so that I could read and re-read to better digest its layered messages. The reason I enjoyed this book so much during my commute is that Brooks essentially used each chapter to simply tell a story. Throughout each chapter, he endeavored to tell the story of one particular figure from history in order to illuminate a “eulogy virtue” that person embodied in his opinion.

Brooks proposes to us that the conflict between  “resume virtues” versus “eulogy virtues” or “Adam I” versus “Adam II” is the base of our struggle in building character. In an article for The Atlantic, Brooks summarizes this virtue/Adam conflict in this way

“Adam I is the external Adam, it’s the resume Adam,” Brooks explained. “Adam I wants to build, create, use, start things. Adam II is the internal Adam. Adam II wants to embody certain moral qualities, to have a serene inner character, not only to do good but to be good. To live and be is to transcend the truth and have an inner coherence of soul. Adam I, the resume Adam, wants to conquer the world…. Adam II wants to obey a calling and serve the world. Adam I asks how things work, Adam II asks why things exist and what ultimately we’re here for.”

One of the key ideas that emerged from this book, for me, was the role of humility in this conflict to building character. Therefore, I did not find it surprising that last weekend when David Brooks’ book became the focus of our “Connections” Sunday School discussion that humility quickly emerged as an area of interest in our discussion.

As a result of that discussion and my comments on the topic, the dad who was leading the initial lesson– we are all moms and dads of young children in this Sunday school class– asked me to follow up next Sunday with some passages and perspectives on humility. Since I had read the book and the topic is of interest to me, I said that I was happy to help.

Here are some thoughts that are rattling around in my head and that I’m working through in preparation for next Sunday’s discussion:

First, in the two creation stories, Adam I is created by God in the same way God created the universe and its plants and animals– from a distance. Adam II is created from the dirt of the Earth and the Bible then tells us that God himself breathed life into Adam II. So, from the very beginning, I see a distinct difference in Adam II. God lives inside Adam II in a way that Adam I has never experienced or been aware of. For Adam I, God seems to only be an external, distance force. For Adam II, God is part of him and Adam II is more attuned to the fact that his very existence is dependent on the breath of life from God. I will circle back to this idea that humility has an essential element of dependency.

Second, from Brooks’ book, this passage on humble ambition really spoke to me. To me, humility is not at odds with ambition as it may seem when considering “resume virtues.” My former boss, although we didn’t always see eye to eye, I do agree wholeheartedly with one of her work mantras: “Stay humble and hungry.” She shares this mantra with me, and all faculty, as the key to what she looks for in successful teachers who add value to the school. I couldn’t agree more. I propose, and so does my boss and this passage from Brooks, that humility and ambition do not have to be at odds with each other. In fact, being humble can make you much more ambitious and effective. However, the key is that “eulogy ambition” is different than “resume ambition.” The former requires community with others– ideally with God first, then in communion with others such as family, marriage, friendships– and the latter seeks to highlight and claim all success as your own personal accomplishment as if life existed in a vacuum with only your name.

When I first read this passage, it made me think of when I tried to explain to my father what I thought was the most compelling and convincing argument for getting and staying married. Marriage means that you are committing to being connected to and often dependent on someone else until death-do-you-part. After 14 years of an achievement-focused all-girls’ school education, it is sometimes hard to admit that I need a man’s, or anyone’s, help, but if you look at the facts of life it is true that we require each other. It is why people evolved to living in community with others rather than in solitary isolation. We need each other in order to be our best selves and we achieve more together than we could apart. After all, two heads are better than one, no? In some ways, the idea of admitting that you cannot and do not want to do this life alone requires humility and that you must confront head on that you are just a speck of dirt in the great scheme of the universe of creation. In fact, ‘humility’, derives from the Latin humus, ‘earth’ or ‘dirt’. Once you realize you are not you without God, without family, without your partner you open yourself up for greater energy, ambition, and success. Since you are not just you, your accomplishments are not your own. To me, this is the essence of humility.

This seemingly counterintuitive idea that dependency on God and others makes you stronger and more capable reminds me of a favorite quote of mine from Óscar Romero:

“We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.”

This idea is only counterintuitive if you are considering it as your Adam I self. Adam I was made by God and then looked out at the world and saw it as his to be conquered by him. If you, instead, look at this idea from the perspective of Adam II, the Adam who is aware that his very life is dependent on the breath of God, then it seems so simple and also incredibly empowering. Again, by admitting that we are dependent on others and that we cannot do it all we are then freed to do what we can and do it well and fully. We do not tire at the daunting, complex tasks that life puts before us but instead, we are imbued with energy and purpose from God and others to accomplish that which we can. We embrace humbly that we cannot, in fact, do it all– after all, we are but dirt, merely dust in the giant universe– and we are dependent on God for our initial breath in the moment of creation and in all tasks born out of that moment. Only when we are in intentional partnership with Him and others are we confident to do our part and put our faith in God and community to do the rest. Again, if the work of life is not fully ours then the glory of achievement does not fully belong to use either and must be shared humbly and happily with others. This is what I wish for my sons to learn and know. This is what I see and admire so deeply and passionately in my husband. I am grateful that I have chosen a life dependent on him and God. We are stronger, happier, hungrier, and humbler in community together.

Third, Brooks discusses what he calls “The Humility Code” in the last chapter of his book. It’s a detailed list of the “eulogy virtues” and his thoughts and explanations about them:

1. “We don’t live for happiness, we live for holiness.”
2. “The long road to character begins with an accurate understanding of our nature and the core of that understanding is that we are flawed creatures.”
3. “Although we are flawed, we are also splendidly endowed… We do sin, but we also have the capacity to recognize sin, to feel ashamed of sin, and to overcome sin.”
4. “In the struggle against your own weakness, HUMILITY is the greatest virtue. Humility is having an accurate assessment of your own nature and your own place in the cosmos.” Yes! Yes! Yes! Let’s read this whole passage again (see below #15)
5. “Pride is the central vice… Because of pride, we try to prove we are better than those around us. Pride deludes us into thinking that we are the authors of our own lives”
6. “Once the necessities for survival are satisfied, the struggle against sin and for virtue is the central drama of life… Contending with weakness often means choosing what parts of yourself to develop. The purpose against sin and weakness is not to ‘win,’ because it is impossible; it is to get better at waging it.”
7. Character is built in the course of your inner confrontation. Character is a set of dispositions, desires, and habits that are slowly engraved during the struggle against your own weakness. You become more disciplined, considerate, and loving through a thousand small acts of self-control, sharing, service, friendship, and refined enjoyment.”
8. “The things that lead us astray are short term– lust, fear, vanity, gluttony. The things that we call character endure over the long term– courage, honesty, HUMILITY. People with character… are anchored by permanent attachments to important things.”
9. “No person can achieve self-mastery on his or her own… Everyone needs redemptive assistance from outside– God, family, friends, ancestors, rules, traditions, institutions, and exemplars.”
10. “We are all ultimately saved by grace. The struggle against weakness often has a U shape… In retreat, you admit your need and surrender your crown. You open up space that others might fill. And grace floods in.” YES! YES! YES!
11. “Defeating weakness often means quieting the self. Only by quieting the self, by muting the sound of your own ego, can you see the world clearly. Only by quieting the self can you be open to external sources of strength you will need.”
12. “Wisdom starts with epistemological modesty” <— what the heck does this mean? And how does modesty differ from humility? Still digesting here. Have little clarity, but ironically that is, in fact, what this means. “We are generally not capable of understanding the complex web of causes that drive events. We are not even capable of grasping the unconscious depths of our own minds.”
13. “No good life is possible unless it is organized around a vocation… A vocation is not found by looking within and finding your passion. It is found by looking without and asking what life is asking of you.”
14. “The best leader tries to lead along the grain of human nature rather than go against it… Therefore the wise leader is a steward for his organization and tries to pass it along in slightly better condition than he found it.”
15. “The person who successfully struggles against weakness and sin may or may not become rich and famous, but that person will become mature. It is not earned by being better than other people at something, but by being better than you used to be.

When considering all of this from the perspective of a parent who wants to instill in her sons a reverence and self-driven desire for cultivating more “eulogy virtues” in their own lives, there are essentially four things I was my sons to learn and spend their lives struggling to reconcile:

1. They are special in the eyes of God as a child of God.
2. They are not the center of the universe and they serve a larger order.
3. They are inherently flawed and will make mistakes.
4. They know who they are and have established those selves on bedrocks such as Brooks’ “eulogy virtues.”

Perhaps more thoughts to come post-Sunday School discussion.

Want “smart” kids? I have no answers. I have only questions.

On my 40-minute commute to and from my job teaching Spanish at a private, affluent high school, I recently listed to Amanda Ripley’s The Smartest Kids in the World: And How They Got That Way via CD audiobook from the CM Library.

This work isn’t particularly current, published in 2014, but based on my personal experiences working for over a decade in a private school in the United States, to me, it often felt spot on and in a way timeless in the questions it posed regarding the structure, purpose, and outcome for formal education in our modern day.

Here is Amanda Ripley, a journalist & author, introducing her book and her investigative mission to explore, essentially, the geography of education and parenting. I enjoyed how this book weaved together data from the international PISA test, while also taking a deep dive into education reform and how formal education is structured in South Korea, Finland, and Poland. All the while Ripley took us on a journey walking alongside 3 specific USA students who chose to study abroad in high school in those respective countries– Eric, Kim, and Tom.

Here is another video that can give you a baseline for the data of PISA and introduce you to the “characters” of the book– the three USA students studying abroad in South Korea, Finland, and Poland.

Ripley set her sights on investigating South Korea, Finland, and Poland in particular because they, as her website says, “reveal a pattern of startling transformation: none of these places had many ‘smart’ kids a few decades ago. They had changed. Teaching had become more serious; parents had focused on what mattered, and children had bought into the promise of education.”

The author set out to explore what accounts for the great difference in what students learn in high school in the USA context both state to state and school to school, and why — despite educational reforms such as “No Child Left Beyond” or “Race to the Top“– our PISA results remain mostly unchanged while some scores soar in other countries. What accounts for the difference in what students learn in high school both across the USA and across the globe? People often cite these elements below as essential factors that limit students’ learning, but did that bear out in the data and the research?

Are the disparity and fluctuations due to:

• Investment in education?
• Child poverty rate?
• Diversity in student population?
• Teacher-student ratio?
• Tracking of students?

Ripley doesn’t purport to be an expert by any means but by the end of the book, she does share some conclusions based on her year spent researching education. She holds that in successful education:

RIGOR IS KEY: This is perhaps the most important takeaway. Essentially, if you have low standards for your students, even from even a young age, the students will learn that they are capable of very little and come to expect that of themselves and of the educational system.

STUDENT BUY-IN IS ESSENTIAL: Why do kids in South Korea study so hard and continue to participate in this seemingly unhealthy “hamster wheel” style of education where everyone is organized by their public test scores? Why do kids in Finland not only keep coming to school diligently in their final (senior) year but also are consistently engaged learners and show up to their end-of-year exam dressed to-the-nines ready to show what they’ve learned? One key conclusion Ripley was able to draw after her in-depth research and conversations with students in various educational contexts was that: “to buy into school, kids need to be reminded of the purpose all day every day.” These high-stakes, end-of-school tests embued the entire school year with purpose. It was clear why the students were at school every day working hard: to learn so that they could score well on the end-of-school exam so that their high school diploma would mean something to universities and future employers. If students don’t buy into the promise of and need for education then no amount of reforms, imposed standards, incredible faculty, or money will make any difference.

TEACHER QUALITY IS ESSENTIAL: Why do kids in South Korea, Finland, and Poland learn more in their classrooms (or in their Hagwons in the case of South Korea) and perform better? According to Ripley’s research, because of better teaching with higher standards/rigor.

We already talked about standards/rigor. So, how do you get better teaching? Answer: Better recruit and better train your teachers. Apply that same standard of rigor to recruiting and training your teachers.

Through the Hagwon system, the best teachers can become rich due to popularity and attain certain celebrity status in their academic culture. How is “best” defined? The best teachers in that context rise to the top because of economic incentives and because students (or more accurately their parents) give their money to those teachers who have a proven track record of helping students produce results on the national exams. Remember, the best teachers in South Korea are, essentially, celebrities because of how hard they make students work and how well they help support students to achieve their academic goals and desired test scores. Sadly, in my decade+ years teaching in the USA, I can’t tell you how many times students say a teacher is the “best” simply because their class requires very little effort on the student’s part. In stark contrast to the accounts from South Korea, I have seen USA students venerate faculty for their lack of rigor, low expectations, and the ease that the teacher adds to the student’s academic journey.

The South Korean model is not exactly what I desire to emulate here in the USA, but I do think there is something positive to be said for valuing teachers who produce measurable results in our kids rather than those who help students waste their time in high school with little to show for time spent here beyond leisure and pleasure. I’d prefer that my kids have teachers who help them learn and prepare them for the working world— where knowledge of content and competence of skills matter– rather than teachers who simply help them get into college with high grades. These grades are not consistently backed up with adequate skills nor mastery of content knowledge. These teachers are teaching a mindset of lethargy and complacency, not curiosity and tenacity.

In Finland and Poland, school reform began not with high school or elementary school reform but rather first with teacher college reform. The smartest college majors apply to and get into the teacher’s colleges. Many applicants must apply various times before receiving acceptance. If you want to more consistently ensure similar standards across the nation for high schoolers at the end of 4 years of study, shouldn’t that begin with ensuring teachers are trained with that same idea in mind? That is not the case in the USA. There is a wide variance in who gets admitted to teacher colleges and what is learned– or even if a teacher is trained before starting in the classroom. I entered the teaching profession without having been trained– however, I did later pursue a masters degree in second language education. In fact, the first class I had ever taught was my guest lesson during my interview and I relied solely on my experience as a student to teach my lesson, not at all on any training I’d received in undergrad.  Once I secured the job, it was trial by fire and I learned a lot along the way, but when I think back on my first years in the classroom I know now that my students deserved better. If I had been better trained, I could have done better for my students from the start. I don’t see why reform in the USA couldn’t start here. As we train the next generation of teachers, why aren’t we raising the standards/rigor, the quality and consistency of training, and the top recruitment of our teachers? — and, of course, raising the pay, too, no?

TRACKING PLAYS A ROLE: Finnish and Polish school systems subscribe to the philosophy that tracking is helpful but should be delayed until students are about 16 years of age. Any tracking earlier in that should only be used to give students intense and tailored extra help to ensure they do not fall behind their peers. At 16 students can select into university or trade school/job tracks.

At this point, trade school tracks have essentially been taken out of most– if not all– US school systems (public and private). Interestingly, NPR just had a story related to this topic this week: High-Paying Trade Jobs Sit Empty, While High School Grads Line Up For University.

The Sout Korean school system doesn’t seem to track at all but the Hagwons certainly do and quite intensely. Again, I am not sure I am in favor of a system that tracks their students down to the minutia of each student knowing each other student’s ranking in the school/region/nation.

STUDENT FEEDBACK IS ESSENTIAL: In order to really understand what’s going on day in and day out in a classroom, classroom observations are not enough. Student feedback is essential. Ripley found that students are surprisingly candid and astute in their evaluation of their teachers. Student surveys should be an essential element in teacher PD, training, and decisions on retention. She suggests a Tripod style-survey with simple, straightforward questions that only students can answer. For example

What does all of this mean for our context?

Out of these findings, Ripley makes some general suggestions for change you can make now. You don’t have to wait for systems or governments in order to implement some small but key changes. Or at the very least she gives some suggestions to USA parents, who in many contexts can have a variety of choice in their child’s school.

SCHOOLS SHOULD INVEST IN PEOPLE OVER PROPS:

“In a world-class education, people always matter more than props.” I wish I saw that my school lived by this motto.

“Ignore shiny props”– The physical spaces, the schools and the classrooms, in South Korea, Finland, and Poland are relatively sparse and lacking in modern technology when compared with most USA school contexts. It was not the shiny thing that made the classroom a learning environment but rather it was the people– the students and the teacher.

From what I see, in the USA system parents and students are often drawn to a school because of it’s shiny props— big athletic stadiums, fancy auditoriums, state-of-the-art technology, beautiful dorms, etc. Education in the USA– at least private elementary- high schools and pretty much all institutions of higher education– are businesses. They need students to build a revenue stream and an operating budget. Shiny props attract people. But what are we sacrificing by subscribing to this system? Our children’s and our nation’s future?

Ripley has painted the clear picture that these educational systems in Finland, South Korean, and Poland have forgone shiny props in favor of academic results. They have invested in people. They have invested in their teachers and, according to PISA and first-hand student accounts, have found results.

PARENTS SHOULD SERVE AS AN EDUCATIONAL COACH:

The research showed that just because the parent was more involved in school, did not mean that the student performed or learned better. It depended more on the type of involvement. Assuming the role of the academic coach to your child had greater yields than serving as a sports supporter, on the PTA, helping with school fundraising, or any other school-support activity.

WHEN LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT SCHOOL, ALWAYS ASK “WHAT ARE YOUR SCHOOL’S WEAKNESSES:

This question will tell you more about the school culture than anything else on the school tour. Weaknesses? I assure you that every school has got them. And you want to know what they are. Are you paying $20,000 a year for a school that has a robust athletic program but a weak math and foreign language program? If the school self-identifies as such, then that tells you about the culture.

This is a question I will continue to keep in mind as I enter new academic systems and environments.

My family and I have dreams of living abroad one day– somewhere Spanish-speaking. I hope to teach in some school and send my boys to school while we’re living there, too. So, maybe years from now I’ll have a new perspective to add and can weigh in on rigor, student buy-in, teacher quality, student tracking, and student feedback from another cultural and geographical context.

Until then, I teach and learn on.

Wild Things – The Art of Nurturing my 2 “Explorers”

 

In their book, Wild Things- the Art of Nurturing Boys, Stephen James & David Thomas contend that boys go through a journey of development that is unique from that of girls. At times this book could be seen to have strong sexist and religious undertones, but if you don’t get caught up in those loaded words and concepts, I hope you will appreciate it for its honest look at boyhood and their practical advice given in response to the unique challenges that rearing/nurturing boys can present to a parent.

Here’s the author, David Thomas, giving an intro for how to read and digest his book. Again, the author’s Christian values are an underpinning of his perspective. Even if that isn’t your faith background or belief, I think there are interesting ideas and some helpful advice here. In the book, the authors also draw from their careers working in counseling and with youth and from their personal lives of raising boys.

At different stages of my boys’ development, I plan to revisit this book as a guide or manual for me to better understand and support them in their various boy stages. Having spent 14 years at an all-girls school, I certainly am well-versed in the uniqueness of girls. So it stands to reason that boys, in turn, are unique too. Yin and Yang and all. But now that I am blessed to be a #boymom, as they say these days, it’s time to seek some wisdom for understanding how to nurture these sweet and determined little boys into strong, caring, self-directed young men.

My boys are only 18 months apart, so they will often be in a similar stage of development at the same time— not to say that will manifest in the same way. I can tell you that the infant and toddler stages have already proved to be both similar and radically different between the two boys. With that in mind, let’s do a deeper dive into their current stage: the Explorers stage of boyhood.

Explorers: age 2-4 years old

Q: What does an Explorer look like?

A: Explorers are active, aggressive, curious, and self-determined.

• Active: these boys can be described as bundles of energy and stubborn learners when it comes to discipline.
• Aggressive: At this explorer stage, love and affection can often be demonstrated through aggression such as hitting, for example. Aggression can also signal overstimulation in an explorer.
• Curious: Explorers are kinesthetic. Their favorite questions are: Why? and I see it? They explore their world with their hands and bodies. They need to touch, feel, do.
• Self-Determined: Explorers need to be given the opportunity to do tasks independently. This gives them power and control over their small world– which exists within a much bigger one where they lack control.

Q: What do Explorers need?

A: Space & Structure

• Boundaries = #1 need because the truth is that at this stage we cannot expect a high level of self-control from our boys.
• • Redirect hitting behavior you don’t want! What can he hit?
• Open Space= Giving boys access to open spaces each day can head off potential problems by providing them with lots of it on a daily basis.
• • Room to run and let them be wild.
• Consistency = For explorers, ritual brings inner peace.
• • The attention span of an explorer is realistically 8-15 minutes.
• • When talking to an explorer, make tactile contact, visual contact is key. Use your son’s name when addressing and redirecting him. Keep your requests short and digestible.
• Understanding = Boys’ brains are chemically different than girls’.
• • Communication needs to be concrete and specific. Give a command rather than ask a question.
• • Think if training an explorer like training a dog.

Q: How can I, as the parent, put this into practice?

A: Specific Strategies

1. Don’t confuse him. Be concrete and specific.
2. Limit his choices but give him choice.
3. Anticipate changes and announce transitions in the daily routine.
4. Set a few straightforward rules that everyone can follow.
5. Demonstrate how you want him to behave: “look how gently I turn the pages of the book” or “let’s see how gently we can love on baby brother”
6. Have discipline make sense: Throws a ball in the house, remind him where he can throw balls and then take the balls away for a period of time.
7. Give him space to roam: prioritize time outside EVERY DAY.
8. Model self-control in your speech and actions when you are mad or frustrated.
9. Keep it short and simple: Do not give instructions in the form of a question. Do not end your sentence or request with “ok.”
10. Praise the positive: It’s more helpful for him to be reminded of what TO DO rather than what NOT TO DO.

The next stage of boyhood is the Lover, ages 5-8 years old.

• For this stage, I will, obviously, revisit the next chapter in Wild Things- the Art of Nurturing Boys, Stephen James & David Thomas
• AND also, read Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay
• I love that the author thinks that this is one of the sweet spots of a boy’s life and his relationship with his mom and family.

Then, comes the Individual stage of boyhood, ages 9-12 years old.

This is followed by the Wanderer stage of boyhood, ages 13-17 years old– the adolescence, the most complicated, some say “worst” stage of boyhood.

And last but not least the Warrior stage of boyhood, which is essentially the age of young adulthood.

 

Enter Being + 29 Other Reminders for being the Awakened Family

When you become a parent no one gives you a manual. Therefore, you tend to parent through instinct. Sometimes instinct serves, but often instinct, or ego, compounds the parenting problem.

In her book, The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting, Dr. Shefali encourages and teaches us to be in the moment of parenting, to embrace who our child is rather than constantly trying to form him into what we want him to be, and to be conscious of our own parenting biases which are based in our own personal struggles and, in fact, have little to do with our son. We have to acknowledge the rise of the parent ego in order to be the best parent for our sons.

Ego, according to Dr. Shefali, is the picture of ourselves we carry around in our head. It’s not just about supremacy. It’s about a false idea of who we, ourselves, are. It’s far from who we are in our essential being. This self-image, the ego, is not the true self. It is a falsehood. We begin to form this image as a young kid based much in how our parents see and treat and interact with us.

Her website eloquently introduces The Awakened Family in this way:

“All parents have aspirations for their children. But often these turn into crushing expectations that cause real harm and disillusionment at the most important time in a child’s development. Parenting should not be a competition with winners and losers. Parents need to recognize their children for who they actually are, and in her groundbreaking new book, Dr. Shefali Tsabary challenges the modern myths of parenting that define how a child is “supposed to be.” Instead of holding our children to society’s impossible ideals, Dr. Shefali teaches us how to control our expectations, embrace the present moment, and let go of the anxiety surrounding how best to parent our children. Written in the style of her New York Times bestseller, The Conscious Parent, The Awakened Family draws from Eastern philosophy as well as Western psychology to offer enlightened advice and a clear program for raising confident, conscious children who are true to themselves.”

Dr. Shefali believes deeply in transforming our own and our children’s lives. She is committed to walking alongside us on this journey. Here is a series of live-stream, international book club sessions she did with her readers:

• The Awakened Family Book Club Session One
• Book Club Session Two for The Awakened Family
• Book Club Session Three for The Awakened Family
• The Awakened Family Global Book Club Session 4
• Book Club Session Five for The Awakened Family
• The Awakened Family Book Club Session 6
• The Awakened Family Book Club Session 7
• The Awakened Family Book Club Session 8
• The Awakened Family Book Club: Facebook Live Session 9
• The Awakened Family Book Club: Facebook Live Session 10
• TAF Global Book Club Session 11
• Etc. there are MANY more you can find on her YouTube Channel

From reading her book, one of the helpful takeaways was her list of 30 daily reminders to build consciousness. Now, I certainly fall completely short of doing all 30 every day but I’m hopeful that by having them written out here to reference, I can revisit them often to reinvigorate my practice and desire to be a conscious parent. I want my boys to be their best, true selves.

30 Daily Reminders to Build Consciousness

1. Chant the Welcome Prayer- “I welcome all that is involved in the madness of parenting. Aware that I invited this journey to transform me. I welcome its wildness. Its chaos and confusion. Its dirt and distractions. Its sulks and strife. Its unknowns and unpredictability. Its helplessness and havoc. Its anxiety and anger. Its tedium and tension. I welcome all that is involved in the madness of parenting. Knowing that when I truly embrace it in the now I am left in awe of its magnificence and bejeweled beauty.”
2. Honor Essense– Focus on who your child is today not what they do.
3. Open the Heart– Remember when your kid was sleeping or was sick, remember his sweet, softness. Connect with your child from this place. Remember they are children for only a short time.
4. Create Connections– Touch your child’s face and tell them what they mean to you.
5. Enter Presence– Simply observe and follow their lead. Create space for your child to simply be today.
6. Enter a No Judgement Zone– No matter what the triggers
7. Express Feelings Safely– Open conversations with questions, not judgments. Validate them to feel how they feel at any given moment.
8. Accept Imperfections– Create humility, encourage them to embrace imperfections not change them.
9. Allow Pain– Soothe them. Allow tears. Normalize fears.
10. Enter Forgiveness– Invite your child to tell you ways you can be a better parent.
11. Create Memory– Seize the moment. What simple thing can you do today that they’ll remember always?
12. Activate the Inner Guide– Tune in and tap into their inner knowing. Help them explore their own path.
13. Use Antidotal Energy– If kids are loud, you be soft. If they are angry, you be still. Through shifts in your energy, they change.
14. Practice Conscious Asking & Receiving– Ask for what you truly desire and create gratitude for blessings.
15. Take a Spin– Into the positive. Kid is rude, ask what they’re going through. Kid acting crazy, appreciate all their energy. Highlight the positive.
16. Stop the Nagging– Use your presence. Ask for cooperation.
17. Let them Lead– Empower them to create their own schedule and you assist.
18. Be the Mirror, Look in the Mirror– What does how they are acting show about me? I reflect their essence.
19. Teach Awareness– Being Aware of feelings is as important as their academics.
20. End the Complaints– Channel your complaints into action. How can you change the dynamic?
21. Correct Limiting Beliefs– Beware of your choice to see lack of abundance. Which thoughts help? And which thoughts don’t?
22. Be Spontaneous in Play- Drop what you are doing and join them in whatever they are doing. Enter their world.
23. Make time: me-time, we-time, play-time, work-time– Value alone time, family time, fun time, and work time so that your kid does, too.
24. Practice Daily Self-Care– Prioritize it in your own life. Wonder & Gratitude.
25. Own your Choice– You/they always have the choice to solve your problems if you/they wish to.
26. Create Sacred Boundaries– Create buy-in, ways of living as a family.
27. Find Zen in the Conflict– Authenticity often looks like conflict. Power sharing.
28. Make Peace With the As-is– Accept your kid and you as you are in this moment. Let go of the fantasy you think you should be.
29. Embrace Today– Resolve to create change right here, right now, not in the past. Enter what is.
30. Enter Being– Flow. Interfere little. Engage in the essential. Drop all that isn’t essential.

As I embark on a season as a stay-at-home mom prioritizing her family while searching for what career step is next, I want to visit these reminders often.